“Whatdid you call me, young man?”
Colin flashed his dimples in a quick grin. “I mean,Mom!”
“Not pissed at you for anything,” Bracha replied.
“I was too involved in planning and executing the rescue operation to even think about calling anyone,” Colin told her.
“He was the first one through the door when they rushed the building,” Joshua told her, his voice warm with pride.
“That’s just ‘cause I don’t know how to count,” Colin said. “Lenny said, ‘go on three’ and I thought three came after one.” He threw Bracha a quick wink.
“I know you played a huge part in rescuing my son,” Bracha said. “I talked to Lenny after Josh was rescued, and he told me everything. The word he used to describe your approach to Joshua’s rescue wasindomitable. He said you would have chewed your way through a brick wall to get to him.” She rose and walked to her son-in-law and stroked his hair. “Youarea hero.”
Joshua couldn’t help but smile as Colin squirmed, embarrassed by his mother-in-law’s tribute.
“Mom,” Colin drawled out, “I’m really not! I was pretty much a wreck the entire time.”
“Well, you’remyhero,” Bracha told him, her eyes once again welling with tears.
“We still being all overemotional in here?” Abel asked as he entered the living room. “Colin! You may be a hero, but I can still kick your weenie ass at chess. You up for it?”
“You got it, bro,” Colin said, leaping to his feet. He kissed Bracha’s cheek. “Thanks, Mom,” he whispered, then trailed Abel to the chess table.
Bracha laid a hand on Joshua’s shoulder as she sat back down and leaned forward to kiss his cheek. “He’s wonderful,” she murmured, tilting her head toward Colin.
Joshua gave a soft laugh. “You don’t know the half of it,” he told his mother, then rose. “I need to go talk to Jessica.”
Bracha nodded then watched as he leaned on Colin’s cane, using it to maneuver his way toward the kitchen.
* * *
The entire familyinsisted that Jessica, who had been housekeeper and cook for Joshua’s family since he was a child, sit with them at dinner. She would only allow this breach of protocol on the rarest of occasions, but eventually she surrendered to Joshua’s pleas and took a seat next to Colin.
Bracha raised her wineglass. “Let’s begin with a toast to the rescue and recovery of my beloved son, Joshua.”
“Here, here,” Colin said, grinning as he bent to kiss Joshua’s cheek.
“And to my son-in-law,” Bracha continued. “The hero who found him and saved his life.”
“Mom!” Colin protested. “Stop! I’mnota hero!”
Joshua smirked a smile and shook his head, then in an exaggerated stage whisper he pointed to Colin and announced to the entire table: “Actually, heis!”
Colin frowned and sat his wineglass down. “No, Josh!” he bit off. “I’mnot!”
There was a moment of stunned silence, and Joshua laid a hand on his arm. “Honey, what’swrong?”
For a long moment Colin stared down at his plate, pulling in long, noisy breaths through his nose, spinning the wineglass in aimless circles. “Let me tell all of you something,” he murmured at last. “Let me put this ‘hero’ business to rest once and for all.”
He looked around the table, studying each face, one by one, until finally his eyes came to rest on his husband. “When he was missing,” Colin said, then pressed his lips together, struggling to control his emotions. “It was the worst feeling I’ve ever had in my life.” He reached with one hand and stroked Joshua’s still raggedly-cut hair. “But I know another feeling that’s nearly as bad. A feeling I had before Josh was part of my life.” He drew in a deep breath, then expelled it. “The feeling of not wanting to go home. Ofneverwanting to go home.”
“I had that feeling for years andyears,” he said. “I’d stay at work ‘til seven, eight, nine o’clock at night. Then I’d head to McCafferty’s and staythere‘til they threw me out. Because I just didn’twantto go home! There was nothing to go hometoand going there,” he huffed out an ironic laugh, “was like falling into a black, empty hole. It was the loneliest place on earth.” He turned and gazed at Joshua, then reached to caress his cheek, his fingers moving with exquisite care over the still-dark bruise on Joshua’s left jaw.
“Butnow?” Colin said in a half whisper. “Now?”He shook his head and smiled. “God, I can’twaitto get home! Can’twait!Just the thought that he’sthere, waiting for me, cooking our dinner, ready to hug and kiss me the minute I walk in the door, smiling at me, yattering and yacking about what he’s done all day...Jesus, it fills me so full ofjoythat I nearly fuckingexplode!”
He spun to face Bracha. “And it’s not justourhome! It’sthishome too! I have family here! Even my mom’s house in Situate, which used to reflect nothing to me but a dark and ugly memory…” He turned to look at Joshua, who had tears tracking down his cheeks. “Now?” Colin said, smiling at him. “I love being there again because he’s there with me, filling it with love and laughter. And that made it a home again!”
For a long time, the room was silent except for Joshua’s wavering breaths, then Colin spoke again. “It’s become crystal clear to me that ‘home’- formeanyway - is whereverheis. I’m not a hero for saving his life, because it wasn’t his life I saved. It was my own. I’m not a hero. What I am is too much of a coward to face the possibility of life without him.”
