A child peeked in, confused to find a woman with a baby, unsure what parts of the scene, the diorama before him, were part of the display. Clara smiled. She didn’t want to make him feel uncomfortable, but she didn’t want to move either because Lucinda was back on the boob, suckling now for comfort. “You can come in if you want to,” she said. “We’re just sitting.”
She kept forgetting that she didn’t want to be left alone after all. No, she wanted company, but perhaps she wanted it too much. The boy sensed her longing and backed out slowly, and she heard the scramble of his footsteps as he hurried overto a parent, a responsible adult who came to look inside and find out what the boy was talking about, the half-dressed woman and the baby in the tomb.
Clara ignored the curious adult and instead stared down at Lucinda, who was gazing back up at her, coming off the breast to smile, this incredible baby that Clara had grown all by herself once science had given her a jump-start.
And then Jess was there. “Hey you,” Clara said, easy. Jess would always be the one to find her.
“They have a nursing station downstairs.”
Clara looked at her, incredulous. Her too?
“Nick went to look in the minerals gallery,” Jess said, “because Lucinda likes shiny things, but I knew I’d find you up here.” When Clara didn’t respond, Jess said, “Clara, I can’t keep chasing you. I don’t have the energy. It’s too hard right now. It’s all too much.”
“I know.” It was a relief that Jess was here, so much easier than it had been to wait for her. “But sometimes there’s just this pressure, like a weight, like the whole world’s about to come crashing down. It’s excruciating. I just had to get away. It’s hard to explain.”
“But you don’t have to,” said Jess, settling in beside her. “I know exactly what that’s like.” Jess had fallen apart after Miles was born, though it was all over and done with by the time she reappeared in Clara’s life, the whole experience neatly tied up with a bow. “And maybe Nick called me because he knew I’d understand. He’s such a rock, Clara, he really is. He thought it was postpartum depression, and he was scared. He thought something was wrong.”
“But nothing’s wrong,” said Clara. “For the first time, maybe ever, it feels like nothing’s wrong.”
“These last few months have been a lot,” said Jess. “I think they are for any new mom. And nowtwins. I almost didn’t believe him.”
“I almost don’t believe it either.”
“And I’m not really sure that you’re actually okay,” Jess said carefully, looking around the tomb.
“I just couldn’t handle it, you and him,” Clara said. “Talking about me like I’m a child.” Lucinda was looking around now, eyes wide. A tomb was a funny place to be.
“Nobody thinks you’re a child,” said Jess. “Nick’s just worried. And we should probably go and find him.” She pulled her phone out of her bag, then put it back. “Why does nobody in your family have a cellphone?”
Clara shrugged. “We have one, we just keep losing it. Anyway, it’s hard to get a signal in a tomb.” Lucinda latched on to her breast again.
“You aren’t always in a tomb, though,” said Jess.
Clara said, “Maybe I’m thinking of staying here.”
Jess said, “Come on.”
Clara said, “I need you to trust me.”
“Of course I do.”
“You don’t,” said Clara. She closed her eyes as the baby fed, feeling the ease of her milk’s flow. “You and Nick both think I’m crazy. Which will probably be a foregone conclusion if I have these babies, and you two aren’t there for me. I need you.”
“But we need you too,” said Jess. “Can’t you see that? How every time you run away or disappear, it doesn’t get easier. It hurts, Clara. And I just can’t keep doing it over and over. I can’t.”
Clara kept her eyes closed and focussed on the steady rhythm of Lucinda drinking her milk, the pull she felt deepinside her body. Jess’s voice was far away, on the periphery of her life now. Things had shifted, things were always shifting, nothing ever stayed the same.
“You’re lucky,” Jess continued, off in the distance. “I don’t know that I’ve been clear enough about that. I know it hasn’t been easy, but you’ve got Nick, and this baby, and the other ones you’re going to have.”
“I’m spoiled for babies.” Lucinda came off the nipple. Clara opened her eyes.
“We need to get back,” Jess said. “He’s going to know you’re not in Minerals, and he’s going to think you left. And the kids are getting hungry.”
“I want lunch too,” said Clara, refastening the straps on the baby carrier.
“How are you feeling?” asked Jess, hauling her up to her feet. “Really?”
“Good,” said Clara. “Really. Nobody believes me.” Not Nick, the doctors, or her midwives. Every time she said she was feeling good, they saw it as proof that she was delusional. “Hungry, though.” Jess could grasp that. “I’m eating for three. Actually, four,” because she was Lucinda’s food supply too. “I’ve got energy though, and my moods are stable.” The hormones she was taking during her fertility treatments had been much more difficult to endure than her pregnancies. She looked at Jess. “I was going to tell you.”
