“But you’re going back eventually?” There were lines around Jess’s mouth, new ones, and they came out when she was frowning.
“Who knows, who knows,” said Clara.
But Jess would not be deterred. “You must have some idea.”
“I have none at all,” said Clara. “This, a baby, was the end point, and we never thought past it.” The last few years had taught her plenty about taking things as they come.
“But won’t you miss it?” asked Jess, and Clara hardly knew what she was talking about. “Your job,” Jess clarified. “You’ve always loved your work. You knew what you wanted to do before anybody else we knew did.”
“But that was such a long time ago,” Clara said. “And I don’t even do that anymore.”
“You’re going to be bored,” said Jess.
“I guess we’ll see.”
“Iwas bored. I couldn’t wait to get back to work.”
“How’s it going, anyway?” asked Clara. “Work.”
So Jess told her about her promotion, and how they’d been granted five years of extra funding, which would provide latitude for new creative projects. “I’m home by five thirty, and I can set the nanny free,” Jess said.
“And Miles,” said Clara. “I’ve never even met Miles.” She paused. “These last couple of years…”
“Seriously,” Jess said. “I barely made it out alive. Two kids, and Adam’s working all the time. One day I went out wearing socks on my hands. I thought they were mittens. It was August. I don’t even know.” She took a breath. “I wish I’d been a better friend, but it was just so hard. I could barely keep my own life together, but I want to do better now. I want to be here for you.”
“Okay,” said Clara. She’d been waiting for an entry point. “So how about this: I want you to be here when the baby’s born.”
“What?Here?”
“At home. We want to have the baby at home.”
“That’s insane,” said Jess.
“It’s not,” said Clara. “Especially not if you’re going to be here. Because you know how to do this. You’ve done it—twice.”
“I’ve never had a baby at home.” Jess seemed horrified. Maybe this was a bad idea.
“You’ve had a baby, though,” Clara said. “I want that matrilineal tie.”
“I’m not your mother.”
“But you’reamother. You’re the closest thing I’vegot—well, except for my actual mother, but if she were here while I was having a baby it wouldn’t end well.”
“But what if it doesn’t end well for us, either?” asked Jess, sounding desperate. “I mean, our track record hasn’t been great lately.”
“Maybe the idea is too weird,” Clara admitted. “It’s been such a long time.”
“That’snot why it’s weird,” said Jess.
Clara said, “I just want to do everything right. You don’t know how hard it’s been, how much it cost, and I don’t just mean money. It almost cost me you.”
“But it didn’t.”
“I need my people around me now,” said Clara. “I want to bring our baby into the world surrounded by so much love and strength, and you’re the only person I trust enough. Except Nick, but it can’t all be on him. This whole thing’s so scary, just like—” She tried to think of a way to explain it. “It feels like jumping off a cliff.”
Jess said, “Oh.”
“What?”
