“You’re not married or anything, right?” I ask belatedly.
He looks grave. “No. Not anymore.”
I push myself up with my hands. “But you were?”
“It was a decade ago,” he says.
I wrap my arms around my knees, almost afraid to ask. I can’t imagine anyone letting Levi get away. “What happened?”
“I was young,” he says simply. “She was dishonest.”
I swallow.No secrets. No drama.It’s starting to make sense.
“I struggled through three years of lies and manipulationbefore I found out she was cheating on me, and I ended it. That was that.” He reaches out and tugs at one of my fingers. “Does that change things for you, that I’m divorced?”
I shake my head. “No. Not at all. Just curious.”
He nods, clearly relieved. “What about you?”
“Not married, no,” I say, but the memory of curling around my cramping midsection as Roger paced sayingI don’t understand; what happened?over and over flits through my mind. The almost angry way his brows came together, the unabashed disappointment. Not just in the miscarriage… Inme. As if I were faulty, a perfect diamond harboring an inclusion he’d missed. He promised we’d try again, but when the grief lingered, he seemed unable to reconcile this new swell of emotion in my near featureless performance heretofore. Then came the nightmares, the flashbacks of the fire, the dark. It was too much for him.I, the real me, was simply too much.
“But?”
“There was someone… recently.”
Levi grows serious, his brows straightening, a curious light in his eyes that encourages me to say more.
“I was pregnant,” I blurt. “I had a miscarriage.”
He pulls me into him. “Judeth, I’m so sorry.”
“It’s over now,” I tell him. “My relationship with the father. He left me after.”
Levi pulls back, shock lining his mouth and eyes. “He left you after you lost a baby?”
The way he says it cracks me open inside, and the ugly reality gushes out. “I was really emotional, grieving. It was something he wasn’t used to from me.”
“Of course you were.” Levi is quick to come to my defense. “What did he expect?”
The validation in his words gives me the strength to admit the rest. “And I think… I think he blamed me for the miscarriage. He didn’t say it was my fault, but he didn’t have to.”
“Oh, Judeth.” Levi wraps his arms around me. “I’m sorryanyone made you feel that way, but I’m glad he’s gone. You deserve more. Better.”
When Levi says it with such conviction, he makes me believe it’s true.
“Can I ask you something?” he prods gently.
I nod.
“Did you love him?”
It’s a fair question. And the automatic response would beyes. But I’m not automatic with Levi. I’m more myself than I’ve been with anyone since Dara. So, I give him the answer that burbles up from my breast, honest and present. “No, I didn’t. And that’s what made him safe.”
He doesn’t act surprised. He simply drinks it in along with the rest of me. “Thank you for trusting me with all of this,” he says. His eyes are full of gratitude.He means it,I think, and my heart squeezes with pleasure.
I nod. “I wanted the baby, though,” I tell him softly. “We weren’t trying. But once it was there, I wanted it. For so many years, I couldn’t see a future for myself. But when I found out I was pregnant, this whole path opened up before me, an automatic destiny. I wanted that, a way forward, a reason for being, for carrying on each day. Even if it wasn’t really mine.”
“You sound surprised by that,” he says calmly.
