I feel a smile form.
Logan taps against the wheel with his cast. “Damn, okay. Thought that one was pretty good.”
“That was funny,” I say.
He looks confused. “Was it? I couldn’t tell.”
“I smiled.”
Logan finds the right moment to steal a longer look at me. “I must not have caught it. Sometimes I have a hard time knowing what you’re feeling.”
I rock back against the seat. “You do? I thought I looked amused, I guess?”
“It’s my bad. I just didn’t see it is all,” he says, setting his jaw.
I twist to face him, even though he’s focused on the road. “Do you feel like it’s hard…” I swallow, bracing myself. “To connect with me?”
Logan reaches for my hand. “I’ve never connected with anyone so quickly the way I have with you.”
I’m relieved. But I can tell there’s more he wants to say.
“I didn’t realize I wasn’t reacting,” I admit. “Is this what it’s been like since we met?”
“You were pretty annoyed when we met,” he says with a half smile. “That much was clear.”
I cross my arms over my stomach. “Yeah, I guess that wasn’t hard to tell.”
“I’m used to connecting with people through emotions,” he says. “Which we established a couple days ago is probably not great if it’s only through one particular emotion, but… yeah, I like getting feedback. A frown if I’ve said something you don’t like. A laugh if my joke is funny. Otherwise, I guess I feel alone in an experience.”
I had no idea I came off like that. It’s like having a mirror held up, and instead of a reflection I’d expect to see, I’m faced with adifferent version of myself. Strangely, this one feels closer to the truth of who I am than any I’ve seen before.
“I feel that, too,” I say quietly. “Lonely.”
As bizarre as it sounds, his noticing my lack of reactions makes me feel… seen.
“I was so young when my mom died. It was quick and sudden. But it was earth-shattering,” I say, my voice shakier than I intend it to be. I clear my throat.
“Even an earthquake that only lasts a few seconds can be damaging,” Logan says.
I nod. “That’s how it felt. Life as we knew it changed overnight. It became such an emotional roller coaster with my dad.” I look out the window at the blurring landscape. “He’d gamble, make bets, lose so much money one day but then win the next. I got exhausted from feeling the highs and the lows.” My voice levels out. “So, at six, I had to grow up and take care of everything and everyone. To do that, I had to turn off my reactions and emotions.”
Logan grabs my hand and brings my just-read palm to his lips, gently dropping a kiss on what I remember being my Love line. It’s his way of encouraging me to continue.
“If something hard is happening, I try to level out,” I tell him. “I reach for the nearest thing that can make me happy, so I don’t have to sit in the lows.”
Quick marriages. Tattoos. Bathroom sex.
“Or I’d rather feel nothing,” I say. “But I’m numbing the good stuff, too. When nice feelings pop up, I don’t let myself stay there because I know that happiness won’t last. Staying in the zero-feelings zone is easiest.”
“Is it, though?”
I blink. “No. Well, maybe it was once. And now it’s what I’mused to. God, I’m such a hypocrite. At the theater, I told you that you’re allowed to feel bad. Who am I to say that when I don’t allow myself to feel the bad or the good?”
“You were trying to help me,” Logan reasons. “It’s easier to see what others need than what we need ourselves.”
“I’ve kept everything in for so long,” I say. After a long pause, I add, “Too long.”
“We’ve both been keeping too much in,” Logan says. “Maybe we can sit in our lows together.”
