“Your slim budget?” Logan asks, remembering.
I nod. “That extends to the city, too.” The twinkling artificial lights brighten as the sky’s glow fades. “Growing up, I felt trapped. I wantedto come here because it felt like freedom. And it seemed fun. I didn’t get to have a lot of that, either.” A cold breeze sweeps across my cheeks. It feels cleansing in a way. I almost feel brand-new. “Here, I could be anyone I wanted to be.” Whoever that is. I think about all the versions of me I imagined myself being when I moved here for my first—and only—job. Independent. Explorative. In control.
“It’s the best place for reinvention,” Logan says.
That’s what I had hoped, but life doesn’t go that way.
“It’s nice being away from it all for a second. Peaceful,” I say.
And now, given everything, I might need to leave. How can I still justify living in one of the most expensive cities in the world?
He gives me a small smile. “What happened today?”
I think I might start crying again if I look at Logan, so I stare at an orange, cone-shaped roof to the left of the Empire State Building. “My dad refinanced the lake house. We might lose it.”
Even though I’ve had some distance from the afternoon, the floor feels like it’s falling out from underneath me for a second time today. Paired with how high up we are, my legs stiffen more, and I cling to Logan. It’s disorienting, being practically on top of the world but feeling so low.
Logan holds me steady as he releases a tense breath. “No. That can’t happen.”
“We only have until the end of the month to cover the missed payments.”
“Okay, so you still have the house,” he says. “That’s good at least. There’s still time.”
“I don’t have the money to cover all of it.” I don’t even want to think about what would’ve happened if we didn’t win the lottery. At least now, I can still help a little.
“Do you need more money? You can have mine,” Logan offers without a second thought.
Now I can’t help but look up at him. My jaw has dropped. He’s just casually offering me his annual lottery winnings? “I don’t borrow from those I care about, and you’ve given me enough. But that’s generous of you,” I say. “I shouldn’t have paid off all my student loans. I just wanted to do something for myself, you know?”
Paying off my debts felt too good to be true. How did I not hear the alarm bells ringing?
“It’s not like you bought a boat,” he says. “You paid off your education.”
I nod distractedly. “Maybe I can take out a personal loan. Though I’ll need a job for that. Maybe we should’ve taken that lump sum.”
“It’s nice that you want to help, but won’t there just be more problems?”
Undoubtedly.
“I need to figure something out.” Maybe this time I can convince Dad to transfer the house into my name so that this doesn’t happen again. “Dad and Jerry need me.”
They probably always will. I’ve had so many conversations with Dad about gambling and getting help. I know my pleas alone won’t change anything. They won’t cure his addiction.
My voice is tense when I say, “I have no idea what to do.”
Logan positions me in front of him as he wraps his arms around me. I nestle in, leaning back against his chest. We stand there for a few minutes, my body rising and falling in sync with his every breath.
“I’m so sorry about earlier,” I say, turning to face him. I try not to feel again how desperate I was. How I try to eject myself from a shitty situation only to find myself in a different problem. “I shouldn’t have done that. I wanted to feel something good.”
Of all the bad things that happened today, how does what I did to Logan feel like the worst of all of them?
Logan raises one eyebrow. “And I was that something good?”
“You’re something more than good,” I say. “You didn’t deserve that.”
He kisses the tip of my nose. On purpose. The simple, tender act of it locks something into place. I like this man. A lot. I never again want to do anything like I did earlier tonight to jeopardize a future with him.
Another breeze blows over the observation deck, this time so forceful that my jacket puffs out. Like if it were one degree stronger, I could lift off. With the city so small beneath me, it appears less chaotic. More controllable. I can see all of it at once. The bigger picture. It’s a fleeting moment, but what it feels like is a wake-up call.
