“I… I don’t know. I was the one who had to think about everything,” I say. “At some point, I started acting as impulsively as what I had witnessed growing up. Too-high highs made me scared for the drop. Too-low lows had me reaching for something that could bring me out of it. I’m impulsive, and I’m afraid I’ll hurt people I don’t want to hurt.”
I recall my thoughtlessness with Logan at the theater, right before he took me to Top of the Rock. My heart rate accelerates. Wasn’t our whole relationship built on recklessness? Me going to the fortune teller that led to a chaotic reading? My impromptu plans to fix Logan’s luck without much success? I’ve brought him into my ups and downs.
“Maybe you’ve made impulsive decisions,” Gloria says, her voice more serious than I’ve ever heard it. “And maybe those decisions have led to less-than-ideal situations. But I’d bet this entire candy store that some of those quick choices you’ve made have led to something good.”
“Hey! Speaking of being rash,” Emma says. “You can’t be using this place as collateral.”
Gloria waves her off. “On the day I first came into your store, Emma, I was supposed to meet someone for a date at a restaurant around the corner.”
Emma looks confused before something clicks. “That’s why you were dressed up. I’d never seen someone with so much fur on before. You looked like a bear.”
“It was faux, darling,” Gloria reassures us.
“You…” Emma blinks in surprise. “You hung out with me all night. You had a date?”
Gloria shrugs. “It was your opening week. You were panicking about how you were offered partner, and instead of accepting it, you quit your high-paying, stable, fancy lawyer job on the spot to open this.” She looks around at all the worldly trinkets lining the walls. “We make thoughtless decisions all the time, whether we realize it or not. Sometimes impulsivity can lead to the very best things.”
“You ghosted your date for me?” Emma grabs Gloria’s hand, her eyes glistening. “Thank you.”
Gloria taps her hand. “This is why I deserve more than a fifteen-percent discount on candy.”
I huff a laugh at this as my thoughts wander to my hasty tattoo, which intrigued Logan enough to buy me a charm because of it. In my mind’s eye, I see Logan and me dressed up as the older versions of ourselves. An act that ultimately led to our true identities beingrevealed, which led to the truth coming out to my dad. A truth that I hadn’t been fully ready to face but needed to.
I think again of the fortune reading. If I had never made that impulsive decision, I never would’ve met Logan. The thought sends pinpricks down my body.
Sometimes impulsivity can lead to the very best things.
Take the job, save the house.
Don’t take the job, lose the house.
Everything I’ve wanted before, it’s not what I want anymore.
And that’s okay. I can give myself permission. I can dream new dreams.
“I love what I do,” I say, staring at the bowl of gingerbread gummies. “I want to keep working in data. But I don’t want to be a manager. I’ve managed people my whole life. I don’t want to do that anymore.” I pinch my eyebrows together. “It feels wrong to say that.”
“Because it’s deeply ingrained in us to constantly strive and achieve more,” Emma says as Gloria nods beside her. “I felt this when I left my job.”
“Yes,” I say, a little breathless. It’s such a relief to know I’m not the only one who’s felt this way. “We’re supposed to climb the ladder, make more money. Do more, be more. Otherwise, you’re getting in the way. You’re a rock in a river while everyone rushes around you.”
“Isn’t it tiring living your life based on what other people think you should do?” Emma asks.
Gloria points a dark-purple-manicured finger at me. “What does Hazel Yen want?”
The lake house pushes its way front and center. Then my grandparents. And Mom. To lose the house Grandpa built, the house that Mom loved, would feel like I was disappointing them.
If we lose the house, it feels like losing them.
I run my fingers along my bracelet, feeling each of the charms. Mom’s just as much in this bracelet as she is in that house. She’s in me, just as much as she’s in anything.
I make my way around to the bird.
“You know, phoenixes symbolize rebirth,” Gloria says, watching me. “After destruction and hardship, they emerge stronger. They rise from the ashes and start over.”
“This isn’t a phoenix,” I say, confused. “It’s a dove.”
Gloria squints at the charm. “That’s a phoenix if I’ve ever seen one.”
