“She didn’t know it was a party. She thought it was a real funeral.”
Cosmo helped pick up the mess, and his voice took on an irritated edge. “Then she didn’t look hard enough at the invitation or was never actually handed one. My execution was certainly lacking in some aspects of the event. Now I get people randomly screaming at me when I’m trying to buy shampoo in the grocery store.” He stacked everything neatly, set it in front of the office door, and placed a rock on top so nothing blew away. “Chasing her down to give her the folders seems like a bad idea.”
“I agree.” Micah started to direct him up the stairs to the second level, then caught himself. “I was about to tell you where my place is, but of course you already know.”
“I don’t remember, actually. It’s been three years since I lived there. It’s twenty-something. Twenty-four?”
“Twenty-one.” Keeping in mind that so long had passed for Cosmo was going to be difficult, though his hair was longer than it had been in their ghostly interactions, one lock always hanging in his eye.
“How old are you?” Micah headed up the stairs and dug his keys from his pocket. “Twenty-nine?”
“Close. Twenty-seven.”
Micah suddenly felt ancient, and he was certain Cosmo could see every line on his face and the slight regression of his hairline. It only reinforced that he couldn’t assume Cosmo’s flirts meant interest, and working himself up was only going to end in heartbreak.
“And you? Wait – I’m going to guess it. Thirty-one.”
A laugh barked from Micah’s throat. Cosmo frowned and said, “I’m quite far off? Twenty-eight, then.”
Twenty-eight! “I’mthirty-eight.”
Cosmo smacked Micah’s arm. “You are not.”
“I am.”
“You don’t look it.”
Micah unlocked the door and swung it open. He shook out his tingling fingers. This was it. Cosmo was coming in. Everett’s coworkers were going to hate him for all the dancing he’d be doing.
He stepped over the threshold and turned to welcome Cosmo inside. Cosmo placed his foot on the carpet. Micah’s chest seized up. He slammed his hand against the doorjamb, blocking Cosmo’s entry. Cosmo flinched and stepped back.
Oh no. No, no, no. Micah let out a ragged breath. “I’m sorry. Hang on. Just… Just a moment.” He tried to calm his quaking limbs, but his mind was screeching unnecessary warnings.Bad! Danger! Run! Bad! Stop! Bad! Bad! Bad!
Cosmo let out an uncertain chuckle, as though this were another of Micah’s jokes that took him by surprise. “I don’t mind if it’s a little cluttered.”
Fighting through his racing thoughts, Micah reminded himself that Cosmo had been sitting on his bed just last night, and it hadn’t induced panic. This was the same Cosmo, only in the flesh, and there was nothing bad or dangerous about letting him inside.
He squeezed his eyes shut, dug his nails into the doorframe, and commanded himself to step out of the way and let Cosmo pass. But the more he insisted, the harder his hand cramped around the frame, his legs the stubborn roots of an ancient oak.
“You’re genuinely worried I’ll break the universe by coming inside?” Cosmo asked. “If it helps, I’m not scared, and I don’t believe something will happen.”
This phobia was not going to keep ruining his life. Not tonight. Not with Cosmo. Micah just needed to do something differently. He stepped outside, then turned and faced the open door. “Why don’t you try going in first?”
“Oh, I see.” Cosmo grinned and tugged on one tortoiseshell hoop earring. “You’re not worried about me. You just don’t want to be collateral damage.” He stepped into the studio, opened his arms, and turned in a circle. “I don’t think my atoms are being rent apart. Seems safe to come in. Look at all these plants! Your space is lovely. Very cozy.”
Lovely and cozy, and Micah could share that space with Cosmo. Cosmo was safe company, and he was already inside. Micah could walk in and shut the door behind him. It was easy. Nothing to it.
He clutched the doorframe and stepped onto the threshold. His heart pumped madly, body vibrating so hard it was going to shake his soul loose. Throat tightening and tears stinging his eyes, he clenched his teeth and pain zagged through his jaw. Just. Walk. Through.
Flinging himself away, he gripped the cold balcony railing and screamed. “Fuck!” It echoed across the parking lot, bouncing back at him. His voice broke. “Godfuckingdamn it!” He yanked at his hair and kicked the railing until it rang like a tuning fork.
No matter how much he liked someone, no matter how safe they felt, he was never going to be able to share their company in his home because his brain was utterly broken. The assault had nearly robbed him of his eye, and it was still robbing him. There was no way to go back and be the man he was before, and there was no point to living as this one.
He smashed his fist into the railing, again and again. Blood smeared the metal, and the bars warped.
A hand grazed Micah’s shoulder, and he crumpled. He pressed his forehead against the concrete and let out a fractured sob. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
Cosmo’s shoes scraped across the pavement. “Should – Should I leave?”
