She looked at him with blurry eyes. “Well, maybe it did. I don’t know. I guess I’m not as far along in my grief as I think I should be. It’s been eighteen months, and I feel like I should be almost done by now.”
“I’m not sure we ever get done.” He sighed. “It’s been six years for me, and I’m still dealing with it.”
“You are?”
“Sure.”
“You really loved Anne, didn’t you?”
He hesitated. “I did...”
She was confused. “What happened?”
“It all just sort of changed.”
“Sorry, I shouldn’t have asked.”
“No, I don’t mind. I thought I was going to grief therapy today too. Windy had encouraged me to go. I’m not even sure why.”
“She encouraged me too ... told me there was a speaker...”
“To be honest, it kind of pushed my emotional buttons too.” He pursed his lips and looked toward the sky. “Anne actually mentioned something like this once. She knew it was legal in Oregon, and she confessed to wanting to exit her life.”
“Oh?” Riva studied him, trying to determine how much she should react.
“I know she was trying to come to grips with her illness and wanted to escape it. I didn’t agree though. I’ve always believed that God gives us our earthly lives and that we should wait for him to take us home in his timing, not ours.”
“That’s what I believe too.”
He nodded. “I suspected as much. But Anne always lived life on her own terms.” He let out a troubled sigh. “Sorry, that’s another story.”
“Were you with her when she passed?”
He shook his head grimly.
“Did that make it harder for you?”
“To be honest, I’m not sure. It’s ... complicated. And like I said, it’s kind of a long story.” He looked directly at her with sad eyes. “One I’ve never fully told. Not even to Windy.”
“If you need to talk”—she placed a hand on his forearm—“I’m listening.” For a long time, they both just sat there. Riva was worried that her offer had been intrusive. She knew stories about losing a spouse were personal and intimate, and she barely knew Marcus. What right did she have to his story? She was about to backpedal and apologize for being nosy when he began to speak.
Chapter15
Riva listened closely as Marcus shared. He explained how he was close to forty by the time he was discharged from the Air Force and done with college. He met Anne shortly after starting his first teaching job at a local middle school. “Anne was an administrative aide there. But she didn’t really like working with teenagers. Maybe because she wasn’t that much older than they were. I actually thought she was a student at first.” He paused to smile at a couple walking by with two small children.
“I think I was drawn to her youthful free spirit, although I’ll admit her beauty pulled me in too. I couldn’t believe someone like her was interested in an old codger like me. At first I thought it was because I’d encouraged her to finish her degree and become a kindergarten teacher. But then we got married and I helped her to actually do it.” He cleared his throat. “But after nearly fifteen years of what I thought was a happy marriage, Anne got really restless. She called it her midlife crisis ... and at the same time I was actually considering an early retirement and travel. Anyway, Anne was done with teaching, done with marriage, done with me, it seemed. She left me to spread her wings. I assumed that was the end of our marriage and that she would file for divorce.But she didn’t. I was pretty miserable. Then, not even a year later, she got a diagnosis for leukemia...”
“Oh, wow.”
“She was still on my health insurance and begged me to take her back so she could get treatment. Of course, I welcomed her back. She apologized for hurting me and was very grateful for my help. We got her the best medical treatments available. She wanted to survive, but she hated how the chemo and radiation made her lose her hair and feel so sick. And who could blame her? After more than a year, her cancer was winning. Anne was worn out and fed up. That’s when she brought up the idea ... of physician-assisted suicide. I was not onboard and I told her so.”
Riva nodded. “Sort of like what the speaker just said about family members’ objections and why it needs to be the patient’s right to decide?”
“Uh-huh. I guess those words struck a bad chord with me. Like you, I don’t want to judge anyone. And I didn’t want to impose my standards on Anne, but I wasn’t ready to condone it. I was mostly just confused. Anne was going downhill fast that spring and when school let out for summer break, I assured her I would devote my whole summer to caring for her. And I did. I worked with hospice to monitor her care, to keep her out of pain. I did all the housekeeping, shopping, laundry ... everything. I made her special smoothies and did whatever I could to help her. But she wasn’t getting better. Then one day, after the hospice nurse arrived to help her bathe, Anne handed me a detailed list for the grocery store. I should’ve been suspicious since she had no appetite, but her favorite foods were on the list so I thought maybe she was rallying. By the time I got home, Anne was gone. The nurse was still there, explaining how Anne had died peacefully. That helped some, but I felt so let down. It felt like Anne had intentionally sent me out of the house because she knew she was dying. And that really hurt.” His eyes were filled with tears now.
“Oh, Marcus, I’m so sorry. That must’ve been so hard on you.But maybe it was her way of sparing you that pain of seeing her ... go.” Riva remembered her own last day with Paul. “It’s not easy.”
“Yes, I’m sure you’re right. But after all I’d done, taking Anne back and caring for her, I just felt sort of tricked. I know that must sound selfish, but the truth is, I was a mess. I was even pretty angry for a while.” Tears trickled down his tanned cheeks, and Riva didn’t know what to say or do. So she hugged him. He held tightly to her, and they embraced for a long moment. She could feel his sobs, or were they her own? It was hard to tell. Finally, she felt him relax, and she released her hold on him and sat back.
