On the sticky floor of the sixth pub she’d trailed Janet to that evening, Gretsella formed a newplan.
A Digression on the Subject of Janet
The funny thing was, despite what anyone might think about herscheming, Janet really did care about democracy.
People liked to naysay and criticize, of course. People always did. Janet knew perfectly well that being very sneering and cynical about something new and difficult that someone else was trying was the easiest way in the world to feel very clever and superior. If the project failed, you could crow about it, and if it succeeded, you could immediately turn on your heel and claim that you’d known it was a good idea all along and had only been pointing out its flaws in order to help turn it into the great success that was its sure and obvious ultimate destiny. People like that old witch Gretsella could nitpick and criticize all they wanted from the sidelines while people likeJanet did difficult things. Janet didn’t mind that at all, so long as she waswinning.
Janet came by her democratic inclinations honestly. Her father had been a part-time carpenter and full-time drinker, as was the ancient tradition of the Findimatabar men. Their little cottage had been held together mostly through the efforts of Janet’s mother and elder brothers, all of whom were relentlessly practical types too consumed by keeping their heads above water to contemplate things like the workings of the national government. Janet was a puzzle to them all. She was a voracious reader as a child, in a household without any books. Though she was a natural romantic and a sincere lover of her fellow man, her life experiences had conspired to make her into a misanthropic cynic. She was a ruthlessly ambitious young woman with no money, no connections, and barely any formal education (though people tended to assume that her career in jesting was backed up by at least one extremely expensive degree). She was a naturally socially awkward and contrarian personality who had very intentionally studied human behavior purely in order to more effectively manipulate it.
She was, to put it simply, perfectly suited to help foment a democratic revolution.
A Sub-Digression on the Subject of Being a Good Person
Avery commonly held—and perfectly understandable—idea about the nature of good and evil is that anyone who is nice and kind and pleasant to be around in their personal life must also hold views about politics, society, and their fellow man that would withstand the scrutiny of future generations, and, on the flip side, that nasty, selfish, rude individuals must be philosophically in favor of things like the divine right of kings, sacrificing doe-eyed toddlers to the sun gods, and making virulently green molded gelatin salads out of celery, canned orange segments, and mayonnaise. Janet Findimatabar was a perfect example of how quickly this assumption could fall apart. Janet was (as she would readily admit) a shrewd, scheming, manipulative person who would happily drive several knives deep into a friend’s back just to use the hilts of said knives as a ladder to a higher level of fame andfortune. She was also a fervent supporter of the democratic experiment in a time and place when the vast majority of people preferred their ruler to be selected via the whimsical caprices of a lady who, given all of the available options, chose to live at the bottom of a pond.
Most people contain multitudes or, at the very least, a multitude or two. Janet’s multitudes were simply slightly more multitudinous than most.
Back to the Janet-Based Digression
Janet, as a professional entertainer, had spent a great deal of time among The People. Singing for her supper had made her extremely highly attuned to what The People wanted. She could also, considering her background, claim to be one of The People herself without feeling any need to blush or demur or obfuscate the extent of her father’s real estate holdings. She therefore very quickly developed a Theory of the Top Five Things The People Actually Want from Their King. The Things were as follows:
For the cost of bread to be lower, or at least not dramatically higher
For there to be less dung of various and diverse origin (horse, dog, human, misc., etc.) in the streets
For knights in shining armor to have a bit less latitude when it came to lopping off the head of any peasant who mildly annoyed them (though not atotallack of latitude, just in case a knight was annoyed by someone who had it coming)
For a few extra holidays per year, especially if the government also sponsored a parade and provided everyone with one (1) pint of free beer in a special commemorative mug they could take home with them
To feel as if they had A Choice in the Matter
Janet thought these were, largely, perfectly reasonable things to want. More to the point, she believed in the Will of The People, so if—when—she was elected the new king of Evermore, she would do her determined best to make items one through four come to pass. She was passionate about democracy partially out of a pure mercenary lust for power, and partially because she truly thought The People deserved better than the watery governmental gruel that had been served to them for untold generations. The People might be, as Gretsella was prone to saying with a milk-curdling degree of scorn, mostly not particularly intelligent, pure of heart, or pleasant to gaze upon. Janet didn’t care. They were stillpeople. Janet was of the opinion that all people deserved to be able to afford to eat, to have relatively sanitary streets to walk on, and to not have to worry excessively about whether a knight-errant mightchop their head off if they failed to tug their forelocks with sufficient obsequiousness.
Above all, Janet believed The People deserved at leastsomesay in the way their own country was run. The farmers and smiths and coopers and carpenters and bakers and hairdressers of Evermore were, after all, the entire reason why the country existed in the first place. Without them, the king and his court would just be a bunch of naked, hairy, hungry people bowing at one another in a muddy pit. It was only good and right and just that the common people should have the power tochoose.
Whether or not they could make a truly free choice when their main source of information was a devious professional propagandist wasn’t of particular concern to Janet. She would bring democracy to the populace. If the transformation of Evermore into a republic incidentally happened to propel Janet to the absolute pinnacle of fame, power, and fantastic wealth, then future generations might consider that the just fruits of her heroic efforts to bring Freedom, Justice, and a New Annual Parade to the populace.
Deny it as she might, in her deepest heart of hearts, Janet was sometimes forced to admit that there might be theteensiestdegree of inherent witchiness about her temperament.
