Does that mean in a year she might be open to transferring back? Even if she’s commuting just for work, it would up my chances of running into her again. She’d expressed interest in being a dance instructor at one time, so she could be a really good fit as a teacher. And she’s competent at her job compared to a lot of the flight attendants I’ve worked with. Even when it came to how much she cared about squirting a passenger with orange juice. “You’d be good at it.”
“Thank you.” She beams. She’s dreaming again. “The opportunity gives me something to think about. I really adore Seattle. Angel and I explored it after church last week. You know, after one of the services you skipped.” I guffaw in surprise at being called out. Working that long trip had been punishment enough, and little good it did for my goal of avoiding her. “You might be pleased to hear that the trip I picked up that Sunday was a nightmare.”
Her lips press together, as if hiding a smile. “Andyoumight be pleased to hear that Angel is opening up to the idea of remarriage.”
My eyebrows jump. Not sure where that came from or how I’m supposed to respond. Claire thinks this information affects me how? “Okay?”
“Yeah, that’s why you’ve been skipping church, right?”
The woman is either blind or refusing to recognize my attraction to her. If I’m not in love with my ex, then I’m smitten with her roommate.
I tip my head back to laugh and to keep her from reading the vulnerability in my eyes.
“What?” she demands. “You two are cute together.”
She must think I connect with everyone the way I connect with her. How long can I stare at the cathedral ceiling, with its metal trim and exposed piping, before she gets suspicious?
The back of my neck twinges. I have to say something.
I inhale deeply and lower my chin to face Claire. “I’m taking the time I need to learn how to truly love by wanting what’s best for someone else, even if it’s not best for me.”
Her eyes clear, as if she’s just realized I’m talking about her. My heartbeat pounds in my ears. I was trying to be vague but honest. I didn’t want to put her in the middle. I know not to expect her to share my feelings. Am I ready for this conversation?
All too soon her eyes cloud. “Angel quoted you on that, and we had a long discussion. It’s a hard lesson.” She peers out to where the planes are landing. Her lips part, but it takes her a moment to speak. “Being afraid of losing someone isn’t love, because it’s more about you. About what you get from them. It’s selfishness.”
My heart squeezes tight, though I’m not sure if it’s from disappointment or relief. Either way, I need to focus on the conversation we’re having rather than the one I’d been preparing to have. We’re talking about the selfishness of not wanting to say goodbye. Ouch.
“The fear itself is selfish,” I argue. For her as well as for me. “It’s a feeling. Self-preservation. It hurts to lose someone we love.” I look down at my salad just in case her gaze returns to mine. The window for revealing my feelings has shut. “But acting on that feeling is selfish when it’s not in the other person’s best interest.”
She nods. Breathes.
I peek at her, but she’s still not looking at me. I guess I had nothing to worry about there.
Her phone rings in the silence.
She answers, her face taut.
I try to tune in, but the din of surrounding conversations and live music on the other side of the cavernous room grow louder to fill the void.
Claire’s eyes wander aimlessly. “Are you serious?”
I rub my jaw impatiently. My pulse ticks out the seconds.
“Thank you for calling,” she says in a tone that still doesn’t tell me anything. “Okay. Bye.”
She sets the phone down between us and stares at me in a daze.
“What happened?” I ask.
“Brittany called to let me know I’ve been transferred.”
Then why is she just sitting there? This is what she’s been talking about from the day I met her. “That’s great, right?”
She must be stunned. Finally she squeals and reaches to squeeze my hands.
I squeeze in return, afraid to let go. But even more afraid to hold her back.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
