“After our divorce, I felt like I had to fake it even more. I wanted everyone to think I was better off without you.”
Is she admitting that she’s not? I never would have expected that. I thought I’d held her back. Here she is, being real with me. So she’s more honest than she ever was in our marriage.
“I put on a show,” she continues. “I laughed louder, smiled wider, took more selfies. My social media sites skyrocketed, and I was getting paid to promote all the stuff I used to pay for.”
I thought she’d said it got worse. It sounds like we both got our dream jobs. “That’s not so bad.”
“Well. The problem with putting yourself up on a pedestal is that eventually you fall off.” She scrunches her nose. “I said something careless and got canceled. At which point Elliot replaced me the way I’d replaced you.”
So she’s not with Elliot anymore. The realization gives me a strange kind of peace. Strange, not because it makes me want to say, “I told you so,” but because it offers hope that she started off her current relationship from a healthy place. If Elliot left her for getting canceled, then he’s no better than a stranger on Twitter.
I only know what that means because she used to tease me that I was going to get her canceled. It sounds like a really dumb thing, but I guess for her career it could be similar to the kind of angry mobs I’ve dealt with. The crazy thing is we both chose the ungrateful masses over each other.
Just last week I might have felt vindication over her leaving me and still getting canceled. Today I don’t want that for anyone. Not even my ex. “I’m sorry.”
She huffs. “Best thing that ever happened to me. See, I didn’t just get canceled for what I said. They attacked every fake thing about me. All the insecurities I thought I’d hid, every flaw, had been on display without me knowing.”
So that’s why she looks different now. It’s not only about being real on the outside, she’s real on the inside.
“Everything I did in our marriage was to get people to like me.”
I nod. That’s what I’d thought of Gemma at first. “I know.”
“But here’s what you don’t know.” She steps a foot wide and pops her hip. But she also drops her head to one side and looks deep into my eyes, which gives the whole sassy hip pop a new softness. “I also tried to get you to like me. So when you were angry, I just did whatever I could to keep you from being mad at me.”
I blink. I knew she tried to comfort me, but I’d never looked at it from this perspective.
“After getting to know the firefighters through the safety academy, I thought that would be a job where you could still be the hero but not come home as angry.”
I rub my hands over my face. This changes everything. Or does it? “But I heard you tell Thad you needed me to become a firefighter if you were to become an influencer. You wanted me to have a better image.”
Her lips purse. “You heard that?”
“Uh … yeah.”
“Karson.” She shakes her head. “It wasn’t that I didn’t want you to be a policeman. I didn’t want you to be anangrypoliceman. I was afraid I’d be doing a live video and you’d be yelling or slamming doors in the background. I asked for Thad’s help because I’d rather you be mad at him than me.”
I want to be angry that this is all about my anger. But that would be counterproductive. Especially with all the confessions she’s making about her selfishness. “I was mad at both of you.”
She closes her eyes and lets out a huge exhale. “So that’s why your attitude changed toward me. I thought it was because of the riots.”
“Those didn’t help my disposition. Which is why I’d thought some time apart would be good for us. I felt like you were kicking me while I was down, and I needed to get back up if I was going to be able to fight for us.”
“I had no idea.” She presses her lips together. “When your attitude changed, you didn’t like me anymore. So I found someone who did. Or, I should say, someone who claimed to. I’m sorry.”
Her apology pokes a hole that all my hot air seeps out of. She’s deflated me. “No, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have taken out my anger on you. I should have taken care of it out of my love for you.” So much pain could have been avoided. “I should have at least talked to you about it rather than just take off.”
“I forgive you, Karson.” She twists her lips. “We both had a lot to learn, and apparently I had to hit bottom before I could even be honest with myself.”
She’s not on the bottom anymore. She’s content. She’s joyful. “Where are you now?” I want to know.
Her sly smile says she’s proud of who she’s become but in a wholesome way. “I’m the coordinator for Nike’s community impact fund. I also married one of their sports researchers.”
“Wow.” I didn’t know sports researching was a career. It’s like a degree in gunsmithing, I guess. I’m glad she’s been redeemed in the same way as my rusty old guns.
I never used to like her Catholic beliefs. Members of the church could simply confess their sins to some priest, then they didn’t have to face the consequences. I wanted there to be consequences. But now, as I’m here, seeking forgiveness from my ex for a wrong I didn’t realize I’d committed, I understand we’re all just doing the best we know how. Confession means we realize we made a mistake, and we want a second chance to learn how to fix it. It also means we realize we don’t deserve the second chance.
“Why are you here, Karson?”
