James nodded as if he perfectly understood my mood.
“Everyone reacts to trauma differently,” he added, continuing to leaf through the album.
“He was in chemo here.”
I pointed at a photo. Seeing it brought up memories and sensations that made me shiver.
“It’s crazy. Everything changed when he started treatment. They did nothing but make him tired and weak, but he started smiling again. Like he knew things weren’t working, and that those would be his last smiles.”
I saw James curve his lips up at my brother’s amused expression on the hospital bed.
“He said he smiled because someone in our family had to. At that point neither I nor my parents could anymore. And I started to seriously regret it toward the last few days when I understood there was nothing more to do. We were selfish because he would’ve wanted to see those smiles, but we couldn’t do it.”
I bit my tongue repeatedly, as if that was enough to hold the tears back. I didn’t want to cry in front of James.
“Maybe deep down you think holding everything in doesn’t just make you seem stronger but also makes the pain go away,” he said.
I shrugged it off. “I don’t know, it’s hard for me to externalize what I’m feeling,” I admitted, my voice cracking.
“What we show others is never what we’re really feeling.”
His comment stirred something in me. I was lost in my thoughts and didn’t realize that my leg accidentally grazed against his. James stood up abruptly and looked down at me.
He was so unpredictable. How could I trust him? I’d just confided in him about my pain. And what if he did tell Taylor? Deep down, I didn’t know him that well.
“Can I trust you?” he asked. I was floored. I nodded with my lips sealed.
“Even after what you heard and saw tonight, White?” He looked at me attentively. I took a big gulp of air before answering.
“Yeah. I won’t say anything to anyone. Can I trust you?” I asked back.
“You’d have to earn it.”
“So you and Taylor don’t tell each other everything?”
“Why, you and William do?” he shot back. “We don’t. Taylor and I aren’t friends.”
“You’re not friends, and the other day you said she’s not your girlfriend.”
“We fuck. Is that so hard to understand?”
I was irritated. I couldn’t stand how crass he was.
“And besides, why did you confide in me and not Will?” James was too direct. But it wasn’t that bad of a thing to hear.
“The opportunity never came up. And Will always has something to tell me.”
“Such as?” He furrowed his brows. I stayed quiet for a long moment, holding his gaze.
“He told me about the swim coach.”
“Fuck, I knew it. I knew it.”
I watched him run both hands through his hair, barely pushing it back.
“What happened to him?”
“Shut your damn mouth.”
