“You know something? I think we should talk about it, June.”
A deeper-than-usual wrinkle appeared on his forehead. Even though it wasn’t the first time Will had opened up to me, for a moment I wondered if I really was good enough for him and if I really deserved his trust. I was afraid that what I’d done with James would undermine the trust Will had given me. But maybe the two things had nothing to do with each other. Wanting to be there for Will didn’t depend on how often we made out or the fact that we went out together because even if we weren’t dating, I would probably feel the same way. Above all else, I wanted to be his friend and be close to him.
“Are you afraid of water?” I ventured, while a more pronounced scowl appeared on his face.
“What? No. No,” he rushed to say before biting his upper lip, leaving me waiting. “It’s the damn smell. It still makes me nauseated, June.”
“Chlorine?”
“Chlorine.”
I let him take his time even though I was feeling stressed.
“We can stay here if you want. We don’t have to talk.” I tried to reassure him.
“The way I feel is wrong, June.”
I furrowed my brows.
“And even when I think about that afternoon, I know that I should feel some way, but—”
“There isn’t an emotions manual, Will. No matter what your mood is, if you feel it, it means it’s right for you.”
I was floored by how out of sorts he was in the silence of that room, and squeezed his hand.
“James and I are really different,” he declared, staring into the void.
“I’d say that’s a good thing,” I quipped. His lips curved up for a brief moment, then his smile was eclipsed by a remorseful expression.
“But I’ve done really awful things,” he added.
Fear tingled on the nape of my neck, and Will seemed to have recovered his voice.
“I’ve talked about them so rarely that, in fact, I’ve probably never told anyone.”
“What are you talking about? You’re really starting to worry me.”
“We swam six hours a week in middle school.” He started off calmly.
“Okay . . . that’s a lot.”
“The others always skipped it. James preferred boxing, Jackson played soccer, and I was the only one who liked swimming, so much so that I never missed a lesson. Plus the pool was close to home so I’d ride my bike there, and—”
His calm tone froze for a second, just the right amount of time for me to hear his fragmented breathing.
“Two years ago we agreed to go see a boxing match right after my swim lesson. James was so excited. He got tickets months before.”
I frowned. I didn’t understand what he was getting at.
“James was supposed to wait outside for me, but I hadn’t left. The lesson had finished fifteen minutes before, so instead of waiting for me, he, impatient as usual, came in.”
“I’m listening, Will.”
“We learned our lesson,” he repeated, like a chant.
With his chin trembling, he lowered his gaze to the tip of his shoes.
“Sorry. I thought it would be easier.”
