“Did you come here to get laid or play the victim?”
I was an insensitive, self-centered person, but then again, I gave Taylor a run for her money.
“God, James, are you really that much of an asshole?” she spat, grabbing her car keys from her purse.
I saw her lurch up to the door then turn away looking livid.
“My boyfriend is cheating on me, my best friend betrayed me, and as if that’s not enough, I’m also losing the Juliet role. My dad was furious with me when he found out I snuck you into the house. I can’t go on trips, and you can only think of yourself. I’m not your girlfriend? Okay, but I at least thought I was your friend.”
“It’s all my fault,” I said without thinking.
“I didn’t say that,” she snarled begrudgingly.
I closed the cabinet door, then stopped to look at my reflection in the mirror.
“Why do you always say you love me? How do you not hate me?”
“Of course I hate you sometimes, it’s just that, you know, there are more times that I love you.” No, Taylor didn’t love me; she hated me from the bottom of her heart, just like she hated her cheater of a dad. She was the only one not to worship me, except she was still here.
“Listen, James, I know what you think about monogamy and being together. I don’t care about all that bullshit you have in your head. I’m just asking you one thing: Leave things as they are.”
Her tone was unusual and bordered on begging.
“How so?” I asked, genuinely confused.
“Don’t fall in love with her.”
I burst out laughing at the bullshit she’d just let slip. There was no risk.
“What the hell’s gotten into you, Taylor? Fall in love with who?”
Falling in love included trusting and putting one’s trust in someone. It had happened once; it wouldn’t happen again.
I lost all desire to keep seeing someone once I got into bed with them. It didn’t matter how much my stupid brain made me believe I wanted the object of my desire.
I wanted them, I chased them, I took them.
And as fun as sex was, it was just an illusion—the promise of happiness that never came. Because orgasms didn’t last long, and my brain was never capable of turning everything off.
It didn’t matter how beautiful or arousing the person in front of me was. I always felt that visceral lacking. That was why mixing sex and drugs was my solution to all my problems. Not remembering the feelings the day after helped me feel less guilty.
And doing it sober wasn’t going to happen. Not the way they liked it.Faster, James, harder, James.I was good at it. I transformed myself into the necessary tool to get them where they wanted, and I managed to oblige even the most immoral and obscene requests. Because after all, we’re all equal. Men and women. Everyone wants to feel good; everyone was looking for a moment of happiness. And in the end, I was the only weird one.
Because if the others ended up feeling better, I only felt like trash after.
Taylor kept staring at me, but now I was a blank mirror in front of her. I’d already told her to get out. Maybe I should’ve said it again.
But just as I was about to lose hope, she finally went back to the door.
“Jamie, get the damn gun back before my dad goes to the police to report it missing,” I heard her murmur, and then she left me alone.
39
James
I rubbed my temples nervously. I was too tired to think about the mess with Austin. I had to take a shower and recover, but my stomach was burning from hunger. I smelled something inviting come up from downstairs, so I decided to go down to eat something.
“Will you make one for me too?”
