“No, James. Don’t even think about it. I was joking when I hinted at that. I was angry.”
“Why?” I raised an eyebrow.
“Because I saw you dancing with her,” she admitted in one breath. Then she bit her lip, almost regretting admitting having said that.
“You always see me with different people.”
“But it’s you and me. With the others it’s just—it’s not nothing, James.”
I put my hand on my forehead and massaged it nervously. Her sentence bothered me, even though I tried to hide it. I could bang anyone, but I was only this much of an asshole to Taylor.
Because it was a game with Tiffany, and that was often only when there were other girls in between; with Ari it was a vendetta against Brian; with Poppy and the others it was a pastime to chase away the boredom, but I was a real bastard with Taylor.
She kept believing that I was just a physical object with the others, and I’d tried to explain to her in every possible way that it wasn’t worth it, that being with me didn’t make sense, but we always ended up talking about it in the end. Maybe I was drawn to her bitchy character.
“Then explain this to me James: If you don’t have sex, what are you always doing with her?”
Great fucking question.
I didn’t know how much longer I’d be able to control myself.
Every time the princess and I argued, I was always an inch away from lifting up that damn uniform skirt and pressing my body against her, just for the pleasure of making her feel how much her obnoxious chatter turned me on.
“So you didn’t record a video? Nothing? Are you sure?” I demanded, now about to step in the shower.
“No, Jamie.” She shook her head. “And if I did, I would’ve deleted it.” I didn’t trust Taylor; she’d have a million reasons to make me pay.
“Uh, I don’t believe you,” I grumbled when she came closer to throw her arms around my neck.
“I love you, James, I’d never do something like that.” Taylor loved me. Sure.
They’d told me that so many times that I’d already lost count. Strangers never said I love you, so I always wanted Sammy and the other girls at school to tell me that, even if it was just for fun. What else did they love other than what they saw on the outside? Did they love what I gave them? Drugs, sex, money, my affection? How could anyone love someone who had so little respect for themselves? Who spent day after day wearing themselves out in the hopes of self-destructing?
And the more my self-hatred grew, the more their love intensified. They continued to adore me, oblivious to the fact that the object of their love didn’t exist. The guy they loved so much wasn’t real, was just an illusion—the result of thoughts and judgments that the others had of him. And I mirrored them continuously.
James is violent. James is toxic. James treats women badly. But loving others had always been a challenge for me. How do you pour into someone else’s cup if your own bottle’s empty?
I’d always envied Tiffany and how she never gave a damn about what other people thought. Poppy and her carefreeness. Ari and the fact that she didn’t feel guilty despite so many betrayals. Being with them was the equivalent of absorbing their light while I tarnished them with my darkness. With the disappointment that I’d been carrying with me when I was abandoned for the umpteenth time by the same people who were supposed to love and protect me.
“Jamie.” Taylor’s voice brought me back to reality.
Maybe I was hiding a feeling of guilt for breaking her heart a million times behind the awareness that Taylor was strong and capable of handling anything. She reminded me of her mom, who did nothing but put up with her husband’s cheating. It was wrong, and knowing it should’ve made me feel like a monster, but the truth was that I, Brian, Amelia, Jackson, and even Will, all shared family histories that made us grow up lacking and chronically incomplete. “I didn’t like what you did at Poppy’s,” I mumbled.
“Did it turn you on?” she asked me, insistently seeking my lips.
“No, you went too far, Taylor.”
I removed myself from her sharp nails scratching my cheeks, and Taylor’s reaction was predictable.
“I was pissed off because of the fight with my dad, then Will was a pain in the ass with that good-guy act he’s been keeping up since he met White!” she spewed, infuriated. “Do you know that now he doesn’t go to the races anymore?” she added.
“I didn’t know that. So what?”
“Look, James, I don’t want to drag you into more messes because of me, but I want the gun back before my dad gets in the middle of it. Do something!” she said, stretching out her arms.
“Will’s a good guy in his own way. Of course he’s not that way just because he met her,” I clarified.
Taylor furtively looked me up and down.
