Together, they walked the five blocks from the dorm to the university’s favorite pizza place, a shabby mom-and-pop joint that sold pizzas bigger than a car tire. They split one with green peppers, black olives, and mushrooms because Flora announced she’d just become a vegetarian. Lily said she was thinking about becoming a vegetarian, too. Ivy kept herself from saying that once upon a time, Lily’s favorite food had been hot dogs, and she’d eaten three at a time. Her daughter was growing up and becoming someone else. Ivy had to let her.
Over pizza, they created a game plan for how Flora would handle running into her ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend. Lily said she should ignore them, whereas Ivy said, “The best way to show him what you’re made of is to face him, smile, and pretend you’re better than you’ve ever been.”
She considered telling her daughter and her new friend about Daniel’s affair, about the young woman who’d come into the flower shop to apologize. But she didn’t want to taint Lily’s non-memory of her father any more than she already had that day.
After a dessert of ice cream with fudge brownies, a decadence Ivy could hardly believe, she walked the girls back to their dorm, hugged Lily twice and Flora once, then headed back to her car. It was ten degrees Fahrenheit, and she shook all the way out of the parking lot, so much so that she wondered if she was going to wreck.
All the way home, she wept for her daughter. She wept for herself, for the life she’d never lived, for the college classes she’d never attended, for the dreams she’d never had. She even wept for Flora, whose heart had been shattered so recently. Flora and Lily would surely have their hearts broken again and again through the years. They were the sorts of girls who took chances, who put themselves out there, who searched for beautiful things among the wreckage of being alive.
Ivy wondered if she would ever find beautiful things again. She thought again of Elliot and dismissed him immediately. She knew she should call him and cancel their appointment next week. She imagined telling him she wasn’t up for it and couldn’t handle it. She imagined that he’d ask, “Up for what?” What was she talking about? Did you really think we would fall in love? After everything?
The drive back to Bluebell Cove took nearly four hours. When Ivy pulled into her driveway, she caught sight of Celia at the front desk of the eco-lodge, bent over and scribbling something on a notepad. There was also a light on in Tyler’s bedroom, proof that he was home but hadn’t gone to bed by ten, his bedtime. Ivy sat in the darkness of her car for a moment, imagining the next moments. She could go inside and force Tyler to sleep. She could fight with her own demons and try to sleep on her own.
Instead, she got out of the car, sped through the freezing air, and entered the Bluebell Cove Eco-Lodge. Celia snapped up with a curious smile on her face. At the sight of Ivy, she melted, throwing herself around the counter to draw Ivy into a hug. Ivy hadn’t realized that she’d begun sobbing again. Tears were frozen on her cheeks.
Before she knew it, Celia had her in the back office, the same office where Ivy had once let her babies sleep while she worked the front desk. Celia poured them both glasses of wine and demanded to know how it had gone with Lily.
“She just looked so right there. Like she belonged,” Ivy confessed, hating how open she felt. She felt like an overflowing tap. “Her roommate is darling, honestly. So funny and brokenhearted and truly a mess.”
“What eighteen-year-old girl isn’t a mess?” Celia asked.
“Exactly. We know that, now,” Ivy said. “Gosh, if I could go back and talk to my eighteen-year-old self? I don’t know if anything would be the way it was now.”
Celia cocked her head. “What would you say?”
“I mean, I wouldn’t have married Daniel,” Ivy blurted.
Celia raised her eyebrows. Ivy had never confessed anything like this, not to any of her sisters, not to any friends.
“I mean, Lily and Tyler are my life,” Ivy was quick to add. “I wouldn’t trade them for anything. Every awful night with Daniel, every terrible thing he said, I would take all of it again if it meant having Lily and Tyler. But, ugh.” She smacked her thigh, making Celia laugh. She’d forgotten what it felt like to make Celia laugh. Joy flowed through her. “Daniel was the worst kind of man. Helpless and mean and totally not a feminist.” She echoed what her daughter had said in the car and smiled. “He saw me as a maid and a baby-maker and nothing else, I think.”
Celia laughed outright. “Ivy Harper. I’ve never heard you say a thing about this.”
“You weren’t around,” Ivy said. She drank half of her wine, then added, “Not that I blame you. Dad could be heinous, too. And you had dreams and visions for your life, Celia. I respect that more than you know. I’m sorry that it sometimes seems like I resent you. To be honest, I do resent you!” Ivy laughed again, and Celia joined her. “But I love you, too. Does that make any sense?”
“You’re making more sense than you ever have, sis.”
Celia refilled their glasses of wine and begged for more details about Daniel. Ivy picked around her stories, talking about the young woman who’d come into the flower shop, how devastated she’d been when she’d found the lipstick stains, and how sure Daniel had seemed about wanting to go to college and “build a better life for all of us.”
“My ex was awful, too,” Celia said. “I can barely picture his face anymore, but I remember what it was like when he yelled at me. I can still hear his voice, ringing in my ears.”
Ivy felt a rush of adrenaline. “We never should have had to put up with that.”
“Never,” Celia affirmed.
“Not that I wanted what happened to happen,” Ivy stuttered, remembering.
“Of course not,” Celia said. “You aren’t a monster.”
“I wish he had let me leave him first,” Ivy said. “Instead, I’m this pitiable widow forever. I’m the woman who let him kick me around. I’m this woman who has to mourn him.”
Celia reached for the bottle of wine again and gave them a final, hearty refill. It was nearly two o’clock in the morning, and they would both surely regret all this wine. There was no way Celia would drive back to her rental tonight, not now. Ivy made up her mind to invite her over to her place so that she could sleep in Lily’s vacated bed.
She wanted as many people in her life to be near her. She wanted to feel protected.
“I never thought I’d find love in Bluebell Cove,” Celia said finally, setting down the bottle. “But Landon has changed my mind about everything.”
Ivy blinked at her, searching for meaning.
