“So you’ve never done that before?”
“I didn’t say that. You know the needs Ingram has. There have been times when I have helped him with those.”
“Helped him?”
He nodded, then sighed. “It was a safe exploration, I suppose, and I never minded it. We weren’t romantic, though.”
“You just didn’t seem as interested in me that way, so I thought maybe I wasn’t your type. Maybe your type has a penis?”
He stared at me like he’d just realized I might be stupid, then let out a soft chuckle. It caused me to freeze, the sound unusual from him. It wasn’t loud, didn’t last long, but it felt like a rare glimpse of the real him, the one beneath all he’d been through, beneath whatever Mr. Yorn had done to him.
It made me wonder what exactly had happened to him, who he might have been without Obsidian. Would it have been someone who laughed like this?
“I don’t know if I have a type, but penis or not, it hasn’t really mattered to me. Sex can be a strange thing for me as the more contact I have, the harder it is to block out thoughts.”
“That seems nice,” I said. “If I knew exactly what people were thinking, it’d be easier to trust them. I’d know they were going to screw me over before they did it.”
He shook his head. “There were times when I’d come to realize in the middle that the person saw me as a freak, as something to try out for fun. It meant it was easier to simply not indulge in that.”
“But Ingram’s different?”
“Ingram wants what he wants and he doesn’t hide it, at least not when it comes to sex.” He paused, then added, voice softening, “You’re also different.” At my lifted eyebrow, he continued. “You’ve been far from honest about your past, butyou are honest about your feelings. You never pretended to like me just to gain my favor. You never hide your distaste. People are so often two-faced, but with you, I know what you think of me at all times without reading your mind. I have only ever experienced that with Carter, Kenyon and Ingram. It feels…” He hesitated, searching for the right word. He seemed unhappy with his choice but finally settled on, “Nice.”
I stared at him, our little conversation so unexpected that I wasn’t sure what to say. I’d focused mostly on my own fear, my own reservations. Shear’s words reminded me that it wasn’tjustme.
Carter felt the need to control everything, to keep his guard up because he expected others to betray him. Kenyon spent his life trying to keep people who didn’t value their own lives alive. Ingram had that hunger inside of him, one that never seemed sated.
And Shear? He was constantly bombarded with people’s real feelings, their real thoughts, and understood exactly how little he could trust others. On top of that, there was the entire Obsidian thing—
“Stop staring at me like that,” Shear said.
It made me lean in and press my lips to his, offering a sweet kiss. He responded, parting his lips, letting me delve into the heat of his mouth. The kiss didn’t stay sweet, but that was okay.
It was a wonderful distraction that I think we both needed, so I gave myself over to it. Sometimes the only thing that got people through this mess was a moment of pleasure between disasters.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Kenyon
Yun was away from me—again—and I didn’t care for it.
After everything that had happened, I disliked her being out of sight, but it hit me harder than usual today. Something about her had been off, though I couldn’t figure out what.
Maybe breaking the link with Corsa had left a wound that would take time to heal? Those sorts of injuries weren’t ones I could do a damn thing about, and maybe that was what really bothered me, that I again felt useless.
It meant when we’d gotten separated for the day—her for guide training, us for whatever training the Guild still thought we needed—I’d had no choice but to let her go.
Another heavy weight hung on me, and I groaned. At least physical exertion helped to distract me.
“This is only half the material you’ll be expected to carry in The Pitt,” Jin said as he walked around at the front of the room, his arrogant behavior the same as ever.
Then again, he was a top esper in the Guild, one of the few who didn’t do actual dungeon work and instead worked in administration.
There were plenty of rumors as to why, but the truth didn’t matter much. Besides, I knew better than to trust rumors.
“Is this a tent?” Ingram asked, holding onto a small tightly wrapped bag.
“Worse,” Carter answered. “It’s a hammock. Where the fuck does he think we’re going? Camping?”
