Another feeling, though it had been so long since I’d felt it I struggled to believe it was true, to identify it, to accept it.
If I didn’t know better, I’d almost think that was…hope?
Chapter Ten
Yun
I couldn’t get the way Shear had acted out of my head.
Saying he was strange didn’t mean anything. Anyone who had ever met him would know that much. It started with those eyes of his, too bright for anything natural, the blue reminding me of a creature staring from the darkness, like his eyes had their own light source. Add to that a stare that was somehow both knowing and vacant, like he knew everything but understood little of it.
He’d been strange from the first time I’d met him, but somehow it had gotten worse since what had happened with the corrupted. It felt as though he was always staring at me, always tense.
It meant that when it ended up just the two of us, I had no idea how to interact. We sat outside, the walls of the trailer having grown too close over the days we’d spent here. Even with the new place, so much larger than the old one, I couldn’t stand staying in there for too long.
Not that Shear looked happy about babysitting duty.
Of course, he never looks happy about anything.
“I’m not unhappy.”
The way he spoke so casually, responding to something I’d thought but hadn’t said, reminded me to keep my guard up around him.
“Don’t do that.”
“Don’t think so loudly, then.”
“I have no idea what thinking quietly means.” I stretched my legs out on the picnic table we sat at, an outdoor workout area just before us. A few people had been using it when we’d arrived, but they’d scurried off the moment we’d settled ourselves here.
I had a feeling that had at least something to do with Shear rather than me.
It seemed that the story about what I’d done had traveled more slowly than most rumors, suggesting those at the top wanted to keep that close to their chests. I’d never gotten good at games like that, always too busy trying to keep myself alive to worry about why people in power did the things they did.
“When you think about me, it draws my attention,” Shear said. Hearing him say so much always threw me, since he remained quiet for the most part. Him speaking also suggested he was trying for my benefit.
“So you hear it more then?”
He nodded, his gaze on the empty equipment rather than on me. I’d noticed that, though. He didn’t seem to look directly at the person he spoke to, as though he preferred to keep it separate. “I ignore thoughts as best I can, but it takes effort. The more in tune I am with a person, or if their thoughts are something relevant to me, the harder it is to filter it out. So when you think about me, it becomes nearly impossible not to be aware.”
I caught myself before apologizing. I hadn’t done anything wrong, after all, and spending time with espers caused certain social expectations to fall aside.
When dealing with things like increased hearing, sense of smell or other talents, normal politeness between people changed. There were fewer secrets, so people just had to learn how to get along without killing each other. “So why do you look unhappy if you’re not?”
“I don’t really feel happy or unhappy. I never have.” He paused, frowning as though he’d just recalled something he couldn’t quite understand, then shook his head. “So I’m not unhappy with you in any way—this is just who I am.”
“You weren’t like this before.”
He tilted his head but kept his gaze straight out before him. He leaned forward, placing his forearms on his knees, the position hunching him forward. “You’re more observant than I’d prefer.”
“Would you rather I was dumb?”
“Perhaps. It makes it easier when people are, because I don’t have to consider my reactions.”
I scuffed the toe of my shoe against the dirt that covered the ground. There hadn’t been much time to set up the place, so sidewalks had gone by the wayside. They’d used heavy machinery to pack the sand and called that good enough. “Is it because of what I did? I know Carter said it was fine, but maybe you don’t feel the same. Are you afraid of letting me guide you now? If you want to use a different guide, I understand.” The wordsI could quitlingered on my tongue, but for the first time, I couldn’t get them out.
All the squads I’d joined before had been easy to walk away from, never feeling like a true home. This one, though? It would hurt, and I couldn’t make the offer myself.
If they kicked me out, well, there was nothing I could do about that, but I didn’t want to be the one to suggest it.
