“You’re a fucking cop, Jameela? Just tell me that it’s not what it looks like, baby. I don’t know if I can handle the truth. I don’t know if I can accept that you would betray me like this.”
The way his voice broke when he repeated the question cut me to the core. I wanted to lie. I wanted to tell him that it wasn’t what it looked like, but it was. The lie had lived as long as it could, and now it was over.
“Nicholas, please just put the gun down.” My voice came out meek, weaker than I was used to sounding.
“No, you don’t get to do that, Jameela. Answer the fucking question.”
“Nicholas.”
“Why, Jameela? Why the fuck did you do this? If that one is too hard for you, then tell me this. If you knew this was just part of the investigation, why would you let me meet Bella? Why let me into your personal life while you were sneaking around writing reports on me? On the kids’ playdates? On every fucking thing that I said to you? Why do all that if you knew this was just a big fucking game to you? Why let me fall in love with you, Jameela?”
Each question hit me like a jab, but the last, it was deadly. I flinched like he had slapped me in the face. In reality, he had. I didn’t have a defense for his questions, but I couldn’t let it end like this.
“It didn’t start like that. I never planned?—”
“Bullshit! Don’t feed me more bullshit, Jameela. Be honest for once. You played me from the word go, and I ate it up like candy. I held you and told you things I never told anyone. You fed me lies and bullshit. Even your fucking name, Jameela. You didn’t even tell me your real name. Everything, every kiss, every hug, every single exchange was part of a big ass lie.”
“Nicholas, you have to understand. Hale forced me to?—”
“There’s nothing to understand, Jameela. Fuck Hale. This is about me and you. I told you everything, and you took it all back to him. You logged every exchange and went running back to your boss with it while making me think he was the enemy. Hale ain’t the bad guy in this. I made love to you! You are the one who sat there playing in my face for months, knowing that I was completely devoted to showing you that good men still existed. You made me feel like your boss was the enemy. The whole time, the enemy was sleeping next to me, letting me fall in love with her.”
I shook my head. I didn’t like the way this was going. Nicholas had to understand that I didn’t have a choice. I was doing my job. Everything I did was for my job and my daughter.
“I didn’t have a choice. He threatened to take Bella.”
“That’s where you’re wrong. You always have a choice, Jameela. You could have told me the truth. You could have told me what was going on. You could have walked away. You could have chosen me if you wanted to. You chose your career. You let me love on you while you built a case on me.”
Hot tears spilled down my cheeks. There had to be a way that I could make him understand my dilemma.
“Nicholas, I care for you for real. Everything I told you, I meant. I felt like if I was the one investigating, I could protect you from the inside. I wanted out. I never wanted anything to happen to you. You have to understand that I did what I felt likeI had to do. I couldn’t lose my daughter. He was threatening to take away my daughter.”
“He threatened to take you away from your daughter. What the fuck do you think would happen to me at the end of all this? How did you expect this to end? Did you think we would just skip off into the sunset once this was all said and done? Those people want to send me to prison, Jameela! You are trying to send me to prison, lady! You don’t see how that’s a threat to my daughter? You don’t see how that would take me away from my daughter too!”
“I tried to protect you, Nicholas. You have to believe that I wanted to save you. I took the case because I didn’t want to lose you.”
“You’ve already lost me,” he said, releasing his hold on the gun and taking a step back and watching me shatter into loud sobs.
“I never wanted to hurt you, Nicholas. I never wanted any of this to happen.”
“Then why the fuck are you still holding that gun on me? You want to arrest me, Jameela? You want to prove that you’re ready to return to active duty, or was your medical leave a lie too? I don’t even know what to believe anymore.”
My eyes fell to the hand still clutched around the gun. The barrel was still aimed at Nicholas’s heart. In a sense, I had already shot him. I didn’t think there was any more I could do to hurt him. I opened my hand, releasing the gun. It dropped to the floor with a clatter. Nicholas didn’t budge. His eyes never left mine as his chest heaved steadily.
“Why, habibti? Just tell me why. Tell me something.”
“Nicholas, I had to.”
“That’s not good enough,” he said, shaking his head as he backpedaled.
“Nicholas, wait,” I urged.
He shook his head, moving toward the door. He was coming toward me, so why did I feel like he was running away? The closer I got to him, the further away he felt. Moving past me, he grabbed the doorknob and snatched the door open.
“Don’t fucking follow me, Officer Sutton.”
“Nicholas,” I whimpered. “I love you.” The words were barely over a whisper, but I noticed the way he flinched when he heard them. They didn’t matter though. I jumped when he slammed the door. Suddenly, my legs were unsteady. I crumpled to the floor, burying my face in my hands as the tears rushed down my face.
My body was wracked by audible sobs as Nicholas’s voice echoed through my head.You’re a fucking cop.The venom in his words ran hot in my veins. I pulled my knees up to my chest, rocking as I listened to the rain pounding on the windows.
