But at that moment, riding the train, I’d wanted to puke at the image of Miles out there, dancing with other men, even though that’d be my fault.Well, not fault, but choice.
So of course, I sniped back.
Logan:~ You do what you have to.I won’t be around anyhow.We’re starting a week long road trip after tomorrow night’s game.And I’m sure the paps will be swarming you.
I should’ve left it at that, but acid ate at my gut, and I wanted to make Miles hurt like I was hurting, as if I hadn’t done enough already.
Logan:~ Just leave me out of it.I need to focus on hockey.
Miles:~ Of course you do.
Logan:~ I don’t care what twink will be grabbing your ass in a club.You want to show everyone you’re enjoying your big gay life?Go for it.
Miles:~ Are you telling me I should fuck other guys?
I’d imagined ripping the other guys’ heads off, but I tried to play it cool.
Logan:~ Do you want to?You know what, don’t answer that.Go be a gay poster boy and I’m going to take my fucking best shot at my career.
Miles:~ Gay poster boy?
Logan:~ What the fuck ever.I really don’t care what you do.
Big fat lie, even when I wrote it.My eyes had stung so bad I could barely see the screen, but I’d wanted to be tough.
Miles:~ You don’t care?
Logan:~ Like you care what I think?You want to be the big gay hero, save the world?Do it.Fuck what happens to my career.
Then I’d added the last unforgivable bit:~ You do what’s important to you, and I’ll take care of what’s important to me.
The old text thread didn’t show the long pause that’d followed.Didn’t show that I’d been choking on a toxic mix of anger and regret, almost apologized, almost tried to take back my words and say Miles was important too.Till the reply came back.
Miles:~ You know what?I’m going to block you now.
Logan:~ The fuck you are.
Miles:~ Not forever, just for a bit.If I don’t, I’m going to say something awful that I can’t take back.Good luck with hockey.
Logan:~ Fuck you.Don’t run away from a fight.
That was the first message marked by a red circle and exclamation point.“Message cannot be delivered.”
Probably just as well, since I’d followed it with a torrent of angry words I wasn’t proud of.Those now sat there blank as “message unsent” after I gained some sanity and shame the next morning.
Then there was one more, from three days later, when the pain of loss had burrowed deep in my heart and drowned my last resentment.
Logan:~ Hey, are you there?
Red exclamation point.
However long Miles had decided to block me for, it’d been longer than three days.
I hadn’t tried again.I’d decided it was up to Miles to touch base when he was over what I tried to call his hissy fit but, as the days passed, had admitted was his own heartache.
There were a ton of videos online, starting the day after he’d come out.Miles in a club, dancing with twinks who were nothing like his type but who ground against him and had their hands all over him in ways I’d never dared in public.Interviews— not the number there would’ve been if his playing days weren’t five years back, but several.
He never said a word about a boyfriend or being in love.When one reporter asked about his “a man I fell in love with” line, Miles shrugged like it meant nothing and said, “Things don’t always work out.Fear is destructive.That’s one reason I wanted to launch this initiative…” and he was off and running about locker-room culture.If the reporter circled back to that topic, they didn’t air Miles’s reply.
