Casey’s slow smile warmed his severe face.“No one’s like Scott, but you’re in the big show now.Go thrill some rookies, make their day.”When Rusty hesitated, Casey gestured more firmly.“Go.”
As Rusty headed off, Miles murmured to Casey, “Rusty seems like a good kid.”
“He is,” Casey agreed.“Could use a little confidence.Family rejection does that to a guy.But he’s barely twenty.He’ll figure it out.”
“His man Cross will help,” Will noted, eyes on Rusty’s back.
I knew from chatting with Rusty that Scott’s partners had also been Rusty’s mentors, the summer his life imploded.Will in particular seemed to be Rusty’s safe person.I was glad to meet him, and also had to say something.
“Hey, Will, Casey?”
They turned back to me.Casey said, “Yeah?”
I cleared my throat, lowered my voice.“I know you guys had Rusty’s back last season when he came out.”
“As much as we could all the way from Kansas,” Casey agreed.
“I’ve been wanting to say I’m so sorry, for not doing the same for him here on the Gryphons.”
Will looked uncomfortable.“That’s something you should talk to Rusty about.”
“I have, but Rusty being Rusty, he blows it off like he had no right to expect better.”I leaned harder against Miles.“So I wanted to tell you guys, I know I fucked up.Even at the time, I knew how much of a chickenshit I was, letting Rusty take all the heat as the out gay player while I was right there in the same locker room, deep in the closet.I should’ve said something, at least to him, to let him know he wasn’t alone.I didn’t have the nerve.That sucked and I regret it.”
Casey nodded slowly.“You know, Will and I got outed quite a while before Scott came out.He was just being called up to the NHL.He had his shot at the big leagues, and none of us wanted to fuck it up for him.He pretended to be our supportive straight friend for months, until he was ready.I dare you to callhimchickenshit.”He folded his arms, his biceps straining the sleeves of his T-shirt.
“Oh.”I could’ve pointed out that there were no out gay players then, that coming out firstandas poly was a big step beyond what I’d failed to do.But Casey’s powerful stare made my words dry up.
Will said, “We’ve all learned over the last couple years that you have to give yourself grace.Give it to each other too.We’re doin’ the best we can in a world that wants to shit on us.Sometimes we get it wrong, but mostly we’re gettin’ it right.”He glanced back over his shoulder to where Edzie was holding court, gesturing with his hands as the rookies hung on his every word.Rusty stood beside him, quiet, but not aloof.Will smiled.“Makin’ progress, every day.”
Miles said, “I like that.Yeah.I have a ton of regrets too.Not coming out till five years into retirement didn’t do a lot for the kids in my league.Of course, if I’d done it sooner, I might not have met Logan.”
“That right there,” Casey said.“We secure each other first, and then take on the rest of the world.Have you two heard about the queer players collective Edzie wants to organize?”
“Rusty said something,” I told him.“I wasn’t sure there was a concrete plan.”
“Not sure there is, yet, but I think his goal is to have something out there you all belong to, openly.A safe place where some kid who thinks he’s the only gay or bi or pan or even trans guy on his team can touch base and find people with experience who’ll back him up.Or at least make him feel less like a freak.”
“Hard to arrange without opening ourselves up to the haters and creeps,” I mused.“Or being overwhelmed by all the boys playing hockey who’d love a piece of Edzie.”I gestured at our starstuck rookies.
“Sure,” Will agreed.“It’ll take some figuring out.Might need to have screening of some kind.But it’s a good idea.”
I swallowed a lump in my throat, imagining fifteen years back if I’d been able to reach out and hear an NHL player on the other end of the line tell me I was okay, exactly the way I was.“Yeah, it is.”
At that moment, a couple of the teens who seemed to be Coach Nery’s kids and their friends came over, flushed and excited, to talk to Miles.He teased them about being into football when their dad was a hockey coach, and one of them said with dignity, “It’s possible to like more than one sport,” then looked away from Miles with his size and his arms in that sleeveless shirt, and flushed.I wondered, just a little.
Not my circus, not my teen monkeys.
Casey, Will, and I wandered to hang out with my teammates for a bit.Then Scott and Rusty said they had to head out.Playoffs started for them in two days, and they needed to eat right and rest up.“Burgers, fries, and beer look too damned tempting,” Scott said.“The team nutritionist would kill me if I pig out now.”
As we followed them into the side yard toward the street, Rusty said, “Text me Miles’s address.Hopefully we’ll be doing that dinner in late June.”He grinned, since that was after the end of the Cup finals.Only two teams would be busy that late into the season.
I grinned back.“We’ll be cheering for you guys.Miles bought tickets for all the home games.”
“Cool.”Edzie held out his fist for a bump.“Touch base with Rusty after a win, and we can bring you down to the locker room to meet the guys.”
I probably wouldn’t do that— the last thing they needed, even after a win, was a distraction— but it was cool to be invited.
Miles hugged me against him as we stood beside the house and watched the four men leave.“They’re good guys.I’m glad.Being queer’s no guarantee someone’s not an asshole.”
