“Yeah.Not, like, all of the team or with a speech or anything.Two people.Cap, I mean Petrov, and Bubs.”
“Bubs sounded like a good guy.”I didn’t remember half the guys on his team, a series of nicknames ending in y and er, but I remembered Logan’s few friends.
“Yeah.He is.He’s cool.”
“I didn’t think you liked Petrov.”
“I don’t, but…” Logan turned serious eyes on me.“What you said in your speech, about locker rooms?It made me think.”
“You listened to my speech?”He’d helped me figure out in general what I wanted to say in the month leading up to the banquet, but I hadn’t practiced the final version in front of him.I’d wanted him to hear me there, in front of our audience.Some of my hurt had been thinking he never heard the words I’d crafted in part for him.
“Yeah.So often it auto-populates in my searches.”Logan flashed a twisted smile.“I thought about the Gryphons’ locker room, and how it’s been more toxic the last couple of years, even when we had an out gay player.Maybe because we did.”
“Do you know how Dolan’s doing?”Logan had been debating how far away to keep himself from Rusty Dolan and his likely gaydar, when all the shit went down.I hadn’t paid attention since.
“Doing good.He’s with the Tornados now, and if the Rafters lose a defenseman, I wouldn’t be surprised if they call Dolan up.”
“Hey, that’s fucking cool.”More representation was always a good thing.
“Right?When I talked to him yesterday, he said locker rooms were hard to change—”
I interrupted, “Wait, did you come out to Dolan too?”
Logan shrugged.“He’s gay, so it wasn’t the same.”
“Still, I am so fucking proud of you.”
“A year too late.”
“Not too late.”I gripped his knee, trying to make my point.“Remember my speech?I said the best time was then, but the next-best time was now.I’m fucking proud of you.I waited till I was fucking retired and safe.You didn’t.”
“I don’t know what’ll happen.But I want to make a difference, in my locker room, at least.”Logan stared down at my hand, tracing my raised veins on the back with a fingertip, like he used to sometimes when he was thinking, a touch I hadn’t imagined I’d feel again.That was far from an erogenous zone, but the sensation arrowed to my core.
“Let me help,” I murmured.
He looked up.“You want to?After everything I did?”
“I think we both fucked up,” I told him.“You most, yeah.You scared me and you fucking hurt me.But also, I didn’t manage to get you to trust me—”
“Fuck no!”Logan pressed his fingers to my mouth.“Don’t you dare take that on.You were so good, the best thing in my life.Not trusting?That’s on me.”
I kissed his fingertips, and he flinched away, then gave me an uncertain smile.I knew what I wanted, in that moment, like a fire burning me alive.I wanted Logan back.Flaws or not, this was still the man who made two years of my life, even after I lost football, the best years I’d ever lived.All I needed to do was figure out how to convince him.“Okay, but I also blocked you and then I never got back in touch.”
“I tried,” Logan said.“Like, three days later.That one bounced too.”
“Yeah, I was still angry then.It took longer, a week, maybe two, for me to feel more empty and alone without you than mad at you.”I sighed.“You were still up with Tacoma then.You’d scored a couple of goals.I didn’t want to fuck things up for you, or pressure you.And…” I hesitated, but needed to say it.“I didn’t want to give you the chance to push me away again, because you were getting that shot at the brass ring.”
Logan pressed his lips together and nodded a few times.“I missed you so bad but, yeah, I can’t promise I wouldn’t have.I wasn’t ready to come out.”
“And you didn’t trust me not to push.”
“I saw some of your interviews.You looked good.Comfortable.Proud.”
“You didn’t recognize media training when you saw it?”I’d been anything but comfortable.Mostly empty inside and going through the motions, because what else was I suffering for?
“I don’t think your team trained you for those questions.”
We sat in silence, till I couldn’t stand it any longer.“How do we fix this?How do we move forward?”
