“I thought you said he wasn’t gay,” Pete muttered stubbornly.
“Jesus Christ, Cap!What difference does that make?”In a mood of recklessness, I said, “I’mgay, and I know the toll that fucking shit takes, day in and day out.If there’s a one in twenty chance the kidisqueer, that any of them are queer, which math says yes, then he and the rest deserve a fucking break.”
Pete pushed to his feet, staring at me.“You’regay?”
“Yeah.”
“Since when?”
I couldn’t help laughing, which wasn’t how I expected to come out.“Since forever.I had a boyfriend under your nose for two fucking years.”
“You?”
“What, don’t I swish enough for you?Should I make more of a production of looking at the guys’ dicks?”
“Hey,” Bubs said, as steady as ever.“Dial it back, Vally.”
“Did you?”Pete demanded.“Look?”
“Holy fuck, my boyfriend had more muscles and a bigger dick than anyone on the team.No, I didn’t bother to fucking look.Thanks so much for asking, though.”
Bubs sidled to my right and closed his hand on my wrist.I wasn’t sure if his grip was meant to be comforting, or he thought I might punch our captain.“Cap, that was uncalled for,” Bubs said.“So listen up.”He moved closer to Pete, and I realized Bubs was both younger and bigger.“From now on, the nasty hazing stops.I’m gonna call everyone on it.You are too, right?”
Pete dropped his gaze.“I guess.”
“You will,” Bubs told him.“You’re a good guy, or you were when you got the C on your jersey.The team needs you to show that approach again.Nikki will help out, and some of the others, once they see you’re on our side.”
Pete shook his head.“You can’t keep hockey players from chirping.”
“There’s chirping and there’s ugly.We all know the difference.”Bubs glanced at me.“And if we don’t know, we’ll ask Vally.”
I forced a chuckle.“I’m not asking the guys to stop ever saying ‘cocksucker.’Some of them would have zero conversation left.But they can drop the sneer and the words like ‘disgusting’ that come along with it.They can call my boyfriend ugly or ask if he can bench press me, without asking how his dick fits up my ass.”I stopped, reminded that Miles wasn’t my boyfriend and wouldn’t be again.“Some future boyfriend,” I muttered.
“I don’t want to hear about dicks and asses,” Pete grumbled.
“Me neither, in the locker room,” I pointed out.“We’re gonna shut that shit down.Shut down anything that’s meant to hurt, like family shit for the kids who are touchy about it.Maybe take the freaking towel away from Morty any time he starts twisting it.Like, grab it out of his hands.Right?”
“I suppose.”
Bubs said, “All we’re asking is that you back up our play, Cap.Not theirs.”
Pete turned to look at the far wall as he got back on his bike.“Are you going to come out as gay now, Vally?Like Dolan with his rainbow signs and his pressers.”
“Dolan didn’t ask for that shit,” I reminded him.“But no, that’s the last thing I want.I’m not going to keep hiding, and I guess the boys will find out eventually, but I have no intention of giving speeches or being a poster boy.”I’d missed my chance to do that at Miles’s side.I’d skip doing it on my own.“Dolan was a rising star.I’m not even a falling one.No one will care.”
“Okay.”Pete picked up his pace, bending over the handlebars and staring straight ahead.“You guys do whatever you’re going to do.I’ll back you over Morty and his crew, if it comes to that.”
“All we asked, Cap.”Bubs tugged on my wrist.Obediently, I followed him out of the room.The lights in the main gym felt bright, the space wide and loud.I’m not sure what my face was doing, but Bubs took one glance at me and then guided me into the hallway leading toward the bathrooms.I put my shoulders to the wall three feet in, stared out at all my teammates working away obliviously, and took a few breaths.
“You okay, dude?”Bubs asked.
“Yeah.Just let my mouth get ahead of myself for a minute.”
“Are you sorry?”
I tried to look inward and decide what I was feeling.“No?I mean, we’ll see how it shakes out, and Pete isn’t the guy I’d have picked to come out to first if I’d been thinking, but no, I’m not sorry.”
“I won’t tell anyone,” Bubs said.
