That was almost worse, because it meant I could continue to hide, if I chose to.
“I was going to come out last year,” I told Rusty.“I was all set, and then…”
“And then?”
“And then I got fucking called up to the Tornados, and I slammed that door.I had my shot at a better career and I wasn’t going to fuck it up.”
“Reasonable,” Rusty said.
“Yeah.Except my boyfriend went ahead and came out, and I didn’t.”
“Ouch.Fuck.”
“Right?He asked me how long I was going to wait, and I said I didn’t fucking know, to get off my back.Or something like that.”
Rusty whistled low.“I’m afraid to ask how that went over.”
“Hah.I just saw him tonight for the first time in over a year.”
“Ah, man, I’m sorry.”
“I can’t even blame him,” I admitted.“He was out, free to do all the open shit we’d planned to do together, and I was still hiding and taking my frustration out on him.He’s my age, he waited years for that moment.I couldn’t ask him to walk it back, and I was too chickenshit to stand next to him.”
“Being scared isn’t paranoia when they really are out to get you.”
I sighed.“I don’t know anymore.What was it all for?IknewI wasn’t going to stay up in the AHL, any more than I had the last ten times I got called up, back when I was younger and sharper and hungrier.IknewI was taking a frag grenade to the best thing in my life.I did it anyway, like I couldn’t help myself.”
Rusty hummed under his breath, then asked, “What are you going to do about it now?”
“Not much.He’s engaged to someone else.”
“Sorry, dude.”
“Yeah.But I thought… maybe I can work on the Gryphons’ locker room.We have new rookies, a couple of them are fuckin’ good.I don’t know that any of them are gay, but I don’t know they aren’t.”
“Right.”
“Maybe I can make a difference, so one of them isn’t thirty-three and wishing they’d made better choices, fifteen years down the line.”
“Locker rooms are hard to change, especially when you’re not the captain.”Rusty cleared his throat.“You still have Petrov to work around.”
“Pete, Morty, Yagger,” I agreed.“But I have Bubs on my side, and maybe Nikki.Wish Bellser was still here.”Our veteran center had also moved up last season.
“Yeah, he’s cool.My gain, your loss.”
“There’s some other decent guys.”I hoped.
Rusty offered, “Rickie never gave me a hard time about anything.”
“Maybe.”Our backup goalie was a good guy, but a big prankster who didn’t take anything seriously.“Anyhow, I think I have to try.”
“And come out?”
“I don’t know.”I rubbed my face.“I don’t fucking know.I almost told Bubs, kind of sideways.Maybe.”
“Whatever works, dude.You still gotta protect yourself.Speaking of, can I tell Cross, or maybe Edzie?They would both have your back, and they have, like, millions of dollars and a lot of clout in the league.”
“I don’t need their money.”I’d never taken much of Miles’s.
