Rusty:~ You can trust me.I hope you know that.
Logan:~ Yeah.What’s fucking me up is that you couldn’t trust me.Like, you’re 18, I’m 33, I should’ve had your fucking back.
Rusty:~ Gonna be 20 soon, actually.He added a grinning emoji.No reason you had to fight my battles.
Logan:~ Except they were my battles too.And
I sent that unfinished, accidentally maybe, or on purpose because I couldn’t think what words came next.
Rusty:~ You want to voice call?
Logan:~ What?
Rusty:~ You’re the same age as my boyfriend, and I swear to God, he’s shit at texting when stuff gets real.I think it’s an old-folks thing.Winky-face.Just a thought, if you want.
I sat with that for a moment.Did I?Wasn’t Rusty safer as the other end of a disembodied string of texts?Except, I needed to talk to someone tonight, and it said a lot about how shitty my life was, that Rusty was the safest option I knew.
I hit the call icon before I could second-guess myself.
Rusty answered on the first ring.“See, I know how to deal with hockey senior citizens.”
“Fuck you, Dodo.”I joked, then hesitated, remembering how that nickname used to get used.“I mean, Dolan.Rusty.”
“Or Dolly.The boys decided I needed a new nickname.”
“And you’re okay with that one?”
Rusty laughed.“It’s all about how it’s meant, right?Morty wanted Dodo to sting, except, laugh’s on him, my high school team called me that for years.Here, they were being funny, and yeah, maybe testing me a bit.I went to the team Halloween party as Dolly Parton, and since then the boys have my back.”
“You did?”I couldn’t imagine that.
“Fuck yeah.In full drag.Of course, I had my Hall-of-Fame defenseman boyfriend with me, looking like he’d fuck up anyone who didn’t take it well.”
“Jesus.”Going to Halloween in drag wasn’t unknown, but doing it as a queer man was a bit extra.Rusty had balls, all right.“Well, go you.”
Whatever I’d meant to say next didn’t come.For a moment, I clutched my phone in awkward silence.
Eventually, Rusty said, “Congrats on coming out, even to one new person.”
“I’m thirty-three fucking years old.There are multiple out gay guys in the leagues now.It shouldn’t be this fucking hard.”
“Fuck that bullshit.Of course it’s hard.”Rusty cleared his throat.“Edzie says he just about shit his pants, coming out, and that guy could say, ‘Hi, I’m the second-best rookie in the whole fucking league and I’m gay.’It’s harder for us ordinary dudes who aren’t valuable and carrying our team on our backs.”
“I heard you got outed, not on purpose?”My nightmare for the last decade.
“Yeah, not totally.I told my parents, because I couldn’t stand this shit they were saying about my brother.They kicked me out and told their whole congregation, so pretty soon, the town knew.So I did it to myself but not, you know, planned, like Edzie with his great fucking speech, and his ex-Marines cop and his cowboy on either side of him.More like, ‘Fuck you, I’m gay, what are you going to fucking do about it?’”
“And they kicked you out?”
“Yeah.Thank God for Edzie living down the road.”Rusty lowered his voice.“Would your family be okay?If you told them, I mean?”
“I don’t really have family.My mom’s an addict, pretty much checked out for years.”I lived with a low-key expectation of getting a call she was dead, and still didn’t know how I’d feel about that.“I’m sure I’d hear from Mom if I started making a million bucks, but otherwise no.Dad left her when I was two, and he has a new wife and a new perfect family.So I don’t care.”
“Who are you worried about?”
Who wasn’t I worried about?The team, my coach, the fans, the league— none of them would love another queer player raising their hand, and I was clinging to my spot on the roster.“Just, everything, I guess.”
“If it’s any help, no one seemed to suspect you, last year.I had a lot of shit thrown at me, and no one brought you up as ‘I bet you’re sucking each other’s dicks.’So I’d guess Morty and the rest don’t notice anything.”
