First, it was the late nights. “Okay, help out your boss. I…miss you. Can you let me know an estimate on how long this is going to last?” He did not have an estimate. He didn’t ask me to come visit with him while he worked, and I didn’t offer.
Then, after the first week of late nights, we had the Fourth of July at a mutual friend’s place which was oddly tense. While watching the fireworks, he’d held me close and told me he’d take me out to lunch at the lake the next morning to make it up to me. When we got home by the end of the party, I knew he’d already made another promise to another friend that would take him away from home. “Sure, go get that tree moved from your buddy’s driveway, but don’t forget our lunch date.” By the time he got home, it was too late for us to make the day-trip to our favorite spot.
Summers are special for us, and they have been since we first started dating over two years ago. Early on, we talked about taking advantage of the late nights and my extra time off as a teacher. WithJuly quickly ending, I couldn't help feeling like we lost out on some of our favorite adventures. There were only a few weeks left, and it seemed to me that Carter was about to cancel or reschedule another one of our plans.
“Honey, what about the music-in-the-park following dinner?” I tacked that on as another reason for him to rethink abandoning me. Again.
“Becky, don’t do this.” He sighed. His hand ran over the scruff of his beard as he threw me a quick beseeching glance.
He first named me, so I first named him back. “Carter,we have two weeks before school starts again. You know these types of plans won’t happen oncethathappens. Plus, we need to really start planning the wedding, and not to mention our house chores, and the yard…”
“Oh my God, not this again.” Carter interrupted me, his rare frustration coming out in response to my spiraling. I was taken aback by his tone. “Becky, Taylor needs my help. I’m gonna get ‘em from a doctor’s appointment. We still have Taylor’s car in the shop, and while we don’t have a rental available, I agreed to help out in transportation. This is important and it will make our garage look bad if I go back on that agreement.”
By the time he finished his spiel, he had calmed back into his normal congenial and softly cajoling tone.
“Well, now I feel like a real cow. You know I don’t want to make y’all look bad.” Disappointment, shame, and frustration all fought for dominance in my gut. I knew what he was going to do before he finally said it.
“I’ll take you home real quick, get them where they need to go, and then I can pick you up in time for the live music. I can’t wait to dance with you while we’re there, baby. It’s my favorite thing.” His big hand engulfed my knee in a small squeeze, and he was earnest and apologetic all at the same time. So, I was charmed. Of course I was. He was my perfect man. Exactly who I wanted to spend my life with.
“Fine.”
?????
It was closing in on 8:30 when I finally heard from him.
Fiancé
Honey, I am so sorry. We ran into some unexpected traffic, and Taylor had to pick up some meds from the pharmacy and we still hadn’t eaten, so I picked us up something from Taco-bout It. Time got away from us. I’m on my way home now from dropping her off. I’ll pick you up and head to the concert.
Record. Scratch.Her.I must have read it wrong.
Instead of reading back over everything, I hit dial, and he picked it up on the first ring. I was already up and pacing. A strange nervous energy thrummed through my body, making the idea of sitting down intolerable.
“I am so sorry, honey. I am on my way back now. We ran into one thing after another, and then we were so hungry, and Tay brought up tacos, and I knew that was exactly what you would want.”
Tay.“Oh, did you have Taylor and his girlfriend with you?” Not my best sleuthing, but my stomach was growling, my chest was tight, and I was still pacing.
There was a pause, then he responded slowly. “No, it was just Taylor and me.Shedoesn’t have a girlfriend.”
Oh sweet baby Jesus. I knew I had to reel in my immediateblow this world up in an outragereaction. Iknewhe wasn’t the same as my ex. He would never cheat. Trevor, his friend, has joked about how he would look at cars and ask the scantily clad, model-esque women to move out of his picture. He wasmyCarter.
Hewasmy Carter.
3
THE FIRST CONFRONTATION
BECKY
“No, it was just Taylor and me. She doesn’t have a girlfriend.”
Carter’s voice echoed in my mind. I was immediately uncomfortable, but I tried to view it like gender was not a reasonable excuse to be more upset about the events unfolding. Itried;however, I was only human.
I ended our phone call with a quiet, if not slightly sharp, “Okay, cool. See you soon.” I hitend call,and instantly wished for the old school satisfaction of banging the receiver aggressively down for a more dramatic flourish.
With an exaggerated sigh, I decided that I needed to gather my thoughts and my feelings and separate the past and the present for clarity. I needed to be fair to Carter and not paint him with the same brush as my ex.
My college sweetheart was a lying, cheating, violent man I struggled to leave for years. Not because he threatened me, but because the good seemed good enough to tolerate the bad. I let myself break him into two people. The drunk, horrible human, and the sober, sweet man who was my twin spirit. Our kiss-of-death was my sudden and random realization that I could never trust him. I could never beexcited about any outing or event together or apart, without worrying he’d backslide into the worst version of himself. He had eroded all of my trust down to nothing.
