Ms. Duchamp
I love you. These are the first flowers I’ve ever sent you. Honestly, the first flowers I’ve ever bought, and I’m ashamed of that fact. I called the school to double check that these flowers are hypoallergenic and appropriate for you to have in the classroom.
I know that’s important to you. They gave me the green flag. I hope these bring you some joy on this gloomy Thursday morning.
Love, Carter
Ps: I also have a text you can choose to receive. Just text me “got the flowers you studly, beautiful man,” and I’ll hit send. ;)
I bite back my smile, but grab the flowers.
Stupid, ridiculous man.
?????
Carter
I got the name of the flower shop from Vicky and called first thing on Thursday morning, after googling the hours and the phone number.
“Yello,” an older man answers the phone, and I hesitate. Unsure how to go about this.
“Um, yeah, hi. My name is Carter Stewart, and I’ve apparently been sending flowers to Taylor, or Tay down at the elementary slash middle school the town over from you?”
“Oh yeah, Carter. Your assistant usually calls. The usual is ready to go in a bit. Were you wanting to make a change?”
“Um, no. Well, yes. Okay, I’m actually calling to ask you to stop. I’m not the one ordering those flowers.”
“You’re not the one ordering? It says right here.” He clears his throat. “Delivered Monday, Wednesday, Thursday. Wait for call on note.Your assistant called?—”
“That’s not my assistant. That’s what I’m telling you. I am Carter. Someone is—” I sigh. “Someone is trying to make my ex feel like shit.”
“Oh, so it’s fake deliveries? I can oomph?—”
There’s a grunt on the line then, “Yes, hello dear, how can I help you?” An older lady’s voice comes on.
“Oh, uh, well like I was telling the other gent?—”
“Martha, what the, I didn’t even do anything.” The man’s voice calls over the line, sounding only a little distant.
Martha’s voice sounds muffled too, like she’s covering the receiver.I bet they have a landline.“Yes dear, but this sounds too interesting for you.” Then louder and more clearly, apparently to me now, “What do you want us to do about the fake deliveries? I offer hexes. Want me to hex the next bunch? No, that might make our shop get a bad name. I can still hex her, though?”
I can’t help but chuckle, a little frightened, and a lot entertained. “No, ma’am. I was hoping you could no longer accept deliveries in my name made by any other person; and call me at this number if anyone tries, I would be very grateful.”
“Okay. Of course we can do that.”
“Actually,” I hesitate but change my mind and go for it. “Could you up the ante, and ifsomeonecalls and claims I am asking for flowers to be delivered, could you call me and let me know? I’d like to swap outthe name of the receiver for Becky Duchamp in the same location. I’ll give you my credit card information to make things simple for y’all.”
“Yes, that is more like it!” She cackles.Literally cackles. I’m a little afraid of her.“What would you like for us to do with this delivery?”
I give her some instructions, and am buoyed by her exuberance of the process. She especially loved my note. Giggling at my post script. I open my bank app to see my account higher than it’s ever been, and a plan solidifies in my mind.
First, I open Amazon and search for some necessities. After I finish there, I call Billy, an old friend, and then the head of the Friday Night Music Extravaganza planning committee.
I have some money to spend.
16
THE PROPOSAL
