“Lucy, I’m not sure it’s my place to tell you this.” Margot seemed uncomfortable, and I moved to the edge of my stool, wanting to get closer to her. To the truth. “I know you don’t remember, because of your accident, but, well, maybe it’s better that way?”
My body quivered with the adrenaline, the pent-up tension from being on edge. “Please, Margot. I have to know what happened.”
She pushed her second half-eaten muffin away, fiddled with the wedding rings on her finger. Sighed deeply before speaking. “I said you had it backward, Lucy, because Daniel didn’t cheat on you. You cheated on him.”
I gasped, nearly fell off the stool as the shock moved through me.
I cheated on Daniel?I would never have done something like that. “You’re lying.” My words shook along with my body. Of course Margot was angry about what happened between Daniel and me, but this was taking things too far.
But she shook her head, and the look on her face told me this was the absolute truth. “What reason do I have to lie, Lucy? We used to be friends. I wouldn’t do that to you. Especially not now, with everything you’re dealing with.
“I appreciate how difficult this must be to hear, and I’m sorry to have to be the one to tell you. Butyou’rethe reason you and Daniel broke up.” She looked sad, whether for me to be hearing the truth this way or because of what I’d done to her husband I couldn’t be sure.
“Do you—” I gulped back the rest of the sentence, then tried again. “Do you know who it was, uh, with?”
“I don’t, and I don’t think Daniel did, either. Or at least he never mentioned a name. Just some guy.”
Just some guy.I had cheated on my fiancé with “some guy.” Who does that?
“Danny was devastated, though to be fair to you he wasn’t the easiest to be with. Especially back then. He was pretty unhappy with work, and his dad wouldn’t let up on him. It wasn’t the best time of his life.”
“He told you all this?” I was breathless, trying to catch up. Tried to accept I had known this all along—that it still lived inside my memory even if it couldn’t be recalled. I was also incredibly embarrassed for how I’d acted with Daniel, for confusing him with my kisses and affections. It amazed me he’d even spoken to me that first night, when we’d run into each other outside Jake’s party.
“When things started getting more serious with us, he told me what happened. And so you know, he did feel partly responsible. Like I said, he was a flirt. He drank too much. He wasn’t always kind with his words.” She gave an apologetic smile. “He’s put the work in, has come a long way. He’s a good husband, Lucy.”
I saw in her face then how much she loved Daniel. Had already forgiven him for what happened on Saturday, accepted his apology and explanation because they had both history and a future to focus on.
“I’m so sorry,” I said, welling up. “I...I had no idea. I don’t remember any of that.” My breath caught and this time I did press a hand to my chest. She reached out and held my arm gently.
“Can I ask you something?”
“Okay.” I nodded, still trembling a little with the aftereffects of shock.
“Do you love him? Like, love him again?”
I answered quickly so she wouldn’t read anything into my hesitation. “No. I don’t think I do.”
It was a lie, but it was the right thing to say.
“Good,” she said, letting go of my arm. She swiped a few crumbs off the counter with her napkin and then folded it onto her plate. “I hope you understand, and I wish things could be different, but we probably shouldn’t do this again.” She laid a hand on her belly and I understood how hard this must have been for her, asking me here tonight. Margot needed to move forward with Daniel as much as I needed to move farther away from him.
“Of course.” I stood on shaky legs, grateful to have the counter’s edge for support.
At the door I thought she might hug me, but instead she offered her hand. The formality felt strange, yet it was the right choice for the moment as we were essentially strangers now. At one time we had been friends, but that was a long time ago. I shook her outstretched hand, my palm clammy against hers. “Good luck, Lucy.”
“You, too, Margot.” And then she shut the door and I stood on her front porch, realizing I had better sit down for a minute before I passed out. So I was on the swing, leaning against the multitude of pillows and trying not to hyperventilate, when I felt another buzz in my pocket. With shaking hands I pulled out my phone. It was the message I’d been waiting for from Matt, and my heart sank with his three simple words.
I’ll be there.
44
I didn’t sleep all night after I got back to Alex’s from my visit with Margot. Didn’t even try, just sat in the one chair in her place and watched the sky transform from dark to dawn. I contemplated canceling on Matt. Almost did many times before it was seven in the morning and, by then, far too late.
Things had been so clear before Daniel’s message—or rather, before Margot lured me to her place under the guise of an invitation from Daniel. What might have happened if I’d ignored it? Texted back a curt and definitiveI can’t. Please don’t ask me again.If I had done that, I’d be filled with excitement this morning versus exhaustion and dread, but I also would never have learned the truth. And it was significant, as hard as it had been to hear, that I had been the one to end my engagement. I had been the one to hurt Daniel when I changed our course, not the other way around.
By 7:15 a.m. I was sitting on the curb outside the capybara pen in the High Park Zoo, a take-out tray with two coffees (black for Matt, sugar and cream for me) and two egg and bacon sandwiches greasing up the paper bag beside me. The sun was finally out, and the park was quiet except for the odd early-morning jogger. I anxiously tapped my feet, my arms wrapped around my knees as I waited. It wasn’t warm this early in the morning quite yet, and so I blew into my bare hands to counteract their chilliness. I saw Matt then, riding his bike through the zoo’s path and heading toward me. I jumped to my feet, nearly upsetting the tray of coffees balanced on the curb’s edge, and waved, shouting his name, though it was unnecessary to do so—Matt and I were the only ones here.
He got off his bike a few feet from me, the grin on his face tightening the knots in my stomach. “Hey, Luce,” he said. “Fancy meeting you here.” Unclipping his helmet, he hung it on the handlebar of his bike, which he leaned against a nearby bench.
