“Call me later?” she said, and then we said our goodbyes and I hung up.
I sat for a few moments, stretching my screaming hamstrings while I worked out what I wanted to do. I scrolled through my recent calls, found Matt’s number and let my finger hover over the call button until the screen went black again. I tried to imagine how that conversation might go. If I’d been braver, I would have called and asked him. If it was a false memory, it would be an awkward exchange, but then I would know, and we could go back to whatever this current state of things was. But if itwasreal...
So what if it is real? What then?
My breath came faster, because getting confirmation Matt had proposed was almost more terrifying than not knowing if I could trust the memory. We were not in a good place at the moment, and I didn’t know how to fix things between us. And no matter how many ways I rolled the memory around in my mind, I kept coming back to the fact Matt had said nothing about being engaged. There had been no diamond band in the personal items bag from the hospital. No evidence anywhere of his proposal. It was almost like it had never happened.
Exactly, Lucy. Exactly.
Paralyzing depression soon crawled its way through me, replacing the antsy, breathless feeling, and in the end I called no one and asked no questions—even if Matt and I had gotten engaged, I was not the same person I had been back then. The moments that had brought us together were no longer shared. You would think the memory of his proposal would have unearthed all the right feelings, too. And to some degree it had—I loved Matt for the dependable and devoted boyfriend he was, for everything he’d done for me, for being there when I needed him, for sticking by me...but I wasn’tin lovewith him. God, I wanted to be, but the truth was it was hard to be in love with two people at once. And Daniel—regardless of what I’d told him the day before, of Margot’s shattering news, of the mystery that continued to surround the end of our relationship—was still inside me, taking up precious space I wished I could have given to Matt instead.
Sadly there was no list of experiences I could memorize to put Matt and me back to where we had been and send Daniel packing, no data chip I could load into my brain to reboot what had been lost. I wanted to shed the old Lucy, like a tissue-paper-thin snakeskin that would blow away with a stiff breeze. The life I used to know was gone.
Then I remembered Matt was in California for the weekend, visiting his parents and sister, and so realized our place was empty. Two hours later I had looked through every drawer and closet and cupboard, twice, but didn’t find the ring. But what I did find, tucked behind a shoebox full of old receipts on a shelf in our bedroom closet, was a stack of save-the-date postcards that took my breath away, proving, once again, I had no idea who I was.
40
“We were engaged.” My tone was matter-of-fact so it was clear I wasn’t asking a question. It was late Sunday night and Matt had, moments earlier, walked in the door from his trip to California, back from visiting his family. I wondered what he told them about me, about us. I hoped it helped him, seeing them, having people to talk to who would always look out for him first.
Still in his coat, his overnight bag strap slung across his chest, Matt stood in the front hallway looking stunned to see me there as my words hung between us in the room.
“You’re here,” he finally said. Then with a sigh he took his bag from his shoulder and set it down against the wall, but he left his coat on. I was impatient for him to respond to my statement and repeated myself. Matt was silent for another long moment as he watched my face. I wondered what he saw there. “Yes, we were engaged.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked. It was like I was swimming and drowning all at once. I now knew for sure my memory hadn’t completely failed me. Matt had put a ring on my finger and I had been happy about it. All that was good head-above-water kind of stuff. But what I didn’t know was why we had kept it a secret? Why hadn’t Matt said anything about it after I came out of the coma? That was the part dragging me down below the depths.
He shrugged, his face haggard. “At first I didn’t want to overwhelm you. You were having such a hard time keeping things straight and obviously didn’t realize we were...engaged.” He didn’t need to mention Daniel; we were both thinking about him and I hated how he was still right here between us. “But then everything happened, and I wasn’t sure if you would ever...” He paused, cleared his throat and looked away. “I didn’t know what would happen with us, so I decided not to make things harder for you.”
Then he looked at me, surprise registering on his face. “Wait...how did you find out?” When I didn’t answer immediately, he kept talking. “You remember.” He said it quietly, reverently. “No one else knows, so you must have remembered on your own.”
I nodded, my arms tightly crossed over my chest. One of the save-the-date engagement party cards I’d found was in hand, tucked up under my armpit.
In a rush he was in the living room and standing in front of me, the space between us gone. “Oh, my God, Lucy, it’s finally happening. I thought maybe,maybeif we went back to the beginning, started over, it might help you... Luce, this is exactly what I’ve been waiting for—”
I took a small, but telling, step back and his face registered confusion and then hurt. “Wait. Matt, I need to explain something. Idoremember the proposal, everything about that night. But that’s where it ends.”
He tilted his head slightly, his confusion deepening. I hated what I had to say next, but it needed to be said.
“It’s hard to explain, because I know how important it is that I had this memory,” I began, stalling. He nodded for me to continue. “And I do remember it happening and I remember how happy I was in the moment, but my feelings for...” I paused and looked away, unable to hold his gaze.
He knew what I was trying to say; I could tell from how his face changed when I looked up at him again. Hardened against the hurt I was inflicting. I wasn’t trying to be cruel, but I needed him to fully understand that while getting my memory back was significant, it was still complicated. “You remembered it, but not me, right? Not how you felt about me?”
“I know in that moment I was the happiest I’d ever been, Matt. But the person who said yes to you, well, I don’t know her anymore. I only remember the versions of her that came...before. Am I making any sense?” I was trying to be gentle, but I didn’t want to give him the wrong impression.
“I see,” he continued, grasping the full picture now. “Do you love Daniel, Lucy?” His words were blunt and he was frowning, any joy at hearing I remembered his proposal long gone now.
“I’m still...confused about how I feel,” I replied, being as honest as I could. Matt deserved more, but it was all I could offer. “Yes, my memories of Daniel haven’t disappeared. But I don’t want to have those feelings, Matt. Believe me.”
“So you feel something for him you don’t feel for me. Is that it?”
“I never wanted to hurt you.” It was answer enough, and he acknowledged it as such. “I’m trying to figure things out, I am.”
He seemed to be sorting out his response but then pressed his lips together and sat down hard on a kitchen table chair. “But Daniel’s married, Lucy. So tell me. How does that work? You know, with this wholefiguring things outpiece.”
I didn’t want to talk about Daniel anymore. It was a conversation that would get us nowhere, and Matt was too hurt and angry to have a rational discussion about things—rightfully so, even if I’d never meant to hurt him, that was exactly what I had done.
I uncrossed my arms and held out the card. “I found this.” He looked at it but didn’t say anything.
“The date is only four weeks after my accident,” I said. “So I have to ask. Why hasn’t anyone said anything? Not my parents, or Alex, or Jenny, who told me she had no idea we were even engaged.” I expected him to say this was yet another case of them trying to protect my now-delicate nature, not wanting to overwhelm me with details of a life I no longer recognized.
