“What does that even mean?” I said quietly, more to myself than him. I dug deeply into my mind, trying to pull up anything resembling a memory of that time. Tried to recall what these “different things” might have been, but there was nothing there to hang on to.
“It was a long time ago, Lucy.” I couldn’t read the expression on his face. “And look, here we are. Having coffee and reminiscing about your snort-laugh. So why does it even matter now?”
“I guess it doesn’t.” I felt dejected. If Daniel couldn’t give me the magic bullet answer, who could? But his words kept running through my mind.We wanted different things...
What had I wanted that was different from Daniel?
“You know, it’s been nice. Spending time with you again,” Daniel said. He went to say something else but then shook his head.
“What? What is it?” I asked.
“I’ve missed you.” He gave me a smile and a surge of warmth moved through me. “Imissyou.”
“I miss you, too,” I replied, the confession sitting heavy between us. But as soon as I said it I wanted to pull back because it wasn’t right for us to be talking like this. He was married; I had a boyfriend. This wasn’t a fair game to be playing.
“I can’t believe it’s still light outside,” I said when I could no longer handle the silence. “Must be spring, after all.” But Daniel wasn’t interested in my attempt to turn the conversation in a less charged direction.
“I haven’t said anything to Margot, about us hanging out,” he said. I tried to cover how discomfiting it was to hear her name. Not loving that now I had to consider her, admit my guilt her husband told me he missed me—present tense. “You know, we were always better suited, I think. You and me.”
At first I wasn’t sure what he meant. And then once the words settled over me, along with the meaning, I wasn’t sure what to do with them.Better suited than him and Margot? But if that was true, Daniel, why aren’t we together anymore?
“Don’t get me wrong,” he added quickly. “I love her. I do. And we have a great life together.” I nodded as if this wasn’t being disputed, feeling sick to my stomach. Why was I subjecting myself to this? “But, well, I miss you.”
Sometimes the things that used to make sense don’t make sense anymore.
I was more confused than ever. I didn’t know what to do with his admission, or how much importance to assign it. “Thanks,” I replied, knowing it wasn’t the right response but unable to think of anything more fitting.
“Thanks?” he said, chuckling. “That’s all you’ve got for me?”
I started laughing, too, and soon was snorting away. “Sorry,” I finally managed. “I didn’t know what else to say.”
“It’s cool. I get it,” Daniel said. “I probably shouldn’t have said anything. Not fair to you.”
“It’s okay. I’m glad you did.”
“You are?” He turned to me, closer this time, and for a moment I thought he might kiss me. He was so close now...it would have been easy. But he didn’t, then shifted to lean back against the bench, which moved his body farther from mine. I was both glad and disappointed.
“I’m having a hard time getting the truth out of people these days,” I said, stretching back, as well. My muscles in my shoulders and lower back screamed, unaccustomed to spending so much time in a chair hunched over a desk. “So it’s refreshing when someone offers it without me having to ask.”
“Happy to be of service,” he said.
“But, Daniel,” I added, “you can’t ‘miss’ me. We can’t keep doing this, talking about all this stuff. I know it’s on me today because I asked the question, but still. We need to...stop.”
“Why?” he asked, his mouth turning down into a frown. He hunched forward so his forearms rested on his knees, and furrowed his brow. “We’re friends, right?”
Friends.My stomach recoiled and I stood to toss my nearly empty cup into a nearby trash can. I had definitely had too much coffee. “Of course we are.” I tried to keep my tone nonchalant but knew I had failed by the look on his face.
He watched me for a beat longer, then stood, as well. “I never wanted to make you uncomfortable, Lucy. I shouldn’t have said anything. Forget about it, okay?”
I nodded and gave him the best “don’t worry about it” smile I could. Then he walked me to the subway as we chatted about things we had no emotional connection to—his classes, and Jenny’s most recent film project. Weekend plans, and a great book he’d recently read. But while I forced myself to stay engaged, my mind was split. Half of it with my newly resurrected “friend” Daniel, who had told me he missed me, and the other half with the Daniel I used to know, who I still felt connected to in a deeply meaningful, yet dangerous, way.
I had to stop seeing him. Had to shut down whatever this was because it wasn’t good for me, and by what he’d admitted tonight it wasn’t helping him, either. I might have been overthinking it, assigning meaning to his words that wasn’t there: missing me, his snort-laughing friend, and missing me, the woman he once proposed to, were not necessarily the same things, and I wasn’t sure which version he had been referring to.
Yet, no matter how convinced I was I had to let Daniel go, tonight he had given me a much-needed hit of a powerful drug—hope.You have the right to change your present if it doesn’t fit with the future you envision, Dr. Kay had told me. But did I also have the right to change someone else’s future, too?
35
I was at the office early again the next morning, catching up on email and some communication requests that had come through overnight. After seeing Daniel, I’d been unable to sleep, tossed and turned most of the night on Jenny’s futon. In reality his confession changed nothing, because he was still married, and not to me. Yet...
