“Thanks,” I said, glad to finally be sitting. My legs were like wet noodles.
He shut the door and rested his hands on the window well and it was then I saw it—his wedding band, glittering gold under the streetlight. My stomach lurched, tickling my gag reflex and bringing the drink I’d guzzled dangerously close to coming back up.God, please let me not throw up in this cab in front of Daniel.
“Listen, do you want to get a coffee sometime?” I asked. I had planned to say goodbye and not look back, but I wasn’t ready to have things end so abruptly. “So we can catch up?”
He paused for a beat, a curious look on his face. “Didn’t we already do that?”
My stomach dropped, and if I could have crawled under the taxi’s front seat, I would have. I wished I could reach into the space between us and grab my words and shove them back inside my mouth.
“Totally kidding,” he said, smiling that smile I knew so well. The one I’d fallen for all those years ago. “Coffee would be great.”
I plastered a wobbly smile on my face, my insides tingling at the prospect of spending more time with Daniel. Then Matt’s face popped into my mind and I considered how he would feel about this exchange. If roles were reversed—and knowing how I felt about Daniel—I definitely wouldn’t be happy about it. I silently berated myself for being so weak, for not doing what I knew was the right thing and staying away from Daniel London. It was a fluke we’d run into each other and I should never have turned it into something more.
Sadness settled over me, because Daniel was right here—somehow,right here—but he wasn’t mine to want, or to miss. Nor should I be planning a seemingly innocent catch-up coffee with him, because I knew it was much more than that. And Matt—the good man I’d run out on in the bar—was mine, but unfortunately he wasn’t the one I desperately wanted to be with right now.
I trembled as I imagined what might have happened if I hadn’t left the bar when I did. If Matt had been beside me when I ran into Daniel. I wasn’t sure I could have hidden what seeing Daniel had done to me, unraveling me like a sweater pull, leaving me vulnerable and exposed.
Daniel reached into his back pocket and pulled out his phone. “What’s your number?” he asked, and I gave it to him without hesitation. “Okay, well, I better get in there. And you need to go to your thing,” he said. “But it was great running into you, Lucy.”
“You, too, Daniel.”You have no idea how great.“Have fun tonight.”
He tapped on the edge of the window well with both hands and waved as the driver pulled away. I let out a long breath, put a hand over my mouth and focused on not vomiting all over the cab’s interior.
“You okay back there?” the driver asked, eyeing me suspiciously in the rearview mirror. “There’s an extra fee if you get sick, so tell me before you do so I can pull over.”
I took my hand away. “I’m fine,” I said, and he nodded, turning the music up.
While I hadn’t planned any of this, I knew it had been a mistake to give Daniel my number. It would be best for everyone if he deleted it later tonight, when he got home and into bed with Margot and realized reconnecting with your ex for a friendly coffee was never a smart idea. And yet...as the cold wind whipped through the taxi’s open window I whispered a small prayer Daniel wouldn’t delete my number but would call me for that coffee instead.
16
I didn’t tell anyone about Daniel, convincing myself it was because it didn’t matter; seeing him changed nothing. I’d also decided I wouldn’t have coffee with him, even if he called. Which wasn’t likely. We had run into each other outside a bar—it was bound to happen at some point, wasn’t it?—and it had been the polite way to end our conversation. That was all it was, nothing more. This ran in a loop in my head for two days, and I had nearly convinced myself Daniel London would stay in the past, where he belonged. And then he called.
It was Monday and Matt had been apologizing nonstop since Sunday morning. He arrived home less than an hour after I did the night of Jake’s party, and though it was dark, I could see his silhouette framed in our bedroom doorway. I knew he was debating where to sleep. I wondered what it had been like when we’d fought before, which we inevitably had at least a few times through our relationship, and what happened next. It was bizarre not to remember these intimate rhythms between us.
I let Matt stand there in the doorway a moment longer, then sat up and turned down the duvet on his side. “Come to bed,” I said.
He stayed where he was. “I’m sorry, Lucy.”
“I know.” I patted his side of the bed and rolled back over, tucking the duvet around me. “Let’s go to sleep.”
We didn’t talk about what happened, our argument at the bar or the fact he’d let it slip to Jake about my memory. But he continued to apologize, at unexpected times: like after I asked him if he wanted grilled cheese or a turkey sandwich for lunch on Sunday; or when I was brushing my teeth before bed; and Monday morning as he stood at the front door, helmet on and messenger bag slung over his suited shoulder, ready to go to the office. And with each apology I felt worse about giving Daniel my number. I was with Matt, because at some point in my past I still couldn’t remember I hadchosenMatt.
He finally left for work, thankfully taking his incessant apologies with him. Glad to have the house to myself, I pulled out the memory confidence list I’d been neglecting. I had an appointment with Dr. Kay in the afternoon and so couldn’t put off my “homework” any longer.
What’s my favorite food?Bacon, chocolate croissants, pancakes *note: eat more vegetables
Where did I go to university?University of Toronto
What was my major?Psychology and English, double major
When is my birthday?November 10
Who’s the prime minister of Canada?Justin Trudeau
Who’s the premier of Ontario?Kathleen Wynne
Who’s the president of the United States?Donald Trump
