Tell him no.I paused for a beat too long. “Maybe. I’m not sure exactly.”
Matt nodded, probably expecting this answer, though likely wishing for it to have nothing at all to do with Daniel. I’m sure it made him sick to his stomach every time Daniel’s name was mentioned.
“But Iknowit has more to do with you. And today,” I added. “Is that okay?”
“It’s more than okay,” Matt said. “But I need you to understand something, Lucy. I love you. And like I said, there’s no rush for any of this. I’m not going anywhere.” He stepped closer to me, brushed a stray hair from my forehead, then rested his hands gently on my shoulders. “So if this is about Daniel more than it’s about me, or us, it’s fine. I can wait. And if you’re never...ready...” He held his composure. “Well, I’ll accept that.”
I placed my hands on his hips and leaned against him, closing my eyes. He held me for a moment, settling his chin on the top of my head, and I turned my face so my cheek rested on his chest.This must have been it, I thought, comfortable and secure.Our position.
“Thank you for saying that,” I said. “But I still want to try, okay?”
“Okay,” he murmured, his lips on the crown of my head. “Would it be all right if I...if I kissed you again?” His voice was quiet, unsure despite what I had said. Like we were kids exploring the boundaries of our relationship, trying to see what else might be there.
I leaned slightly away from him so I could look into his face, but kept my arms wrapped around his waist. “Yes.”
He smiled and pressed his lips to mine. I wish I could say this time there was a blinding flash of recognition and I remembered everything. But I didn’t.
However, I did like the feel of him. The way his lips were gentle with mine until I responded, giving him permission to go deeper. And while it was true my mind couldn’t recall my history with Matt, it seemed my body remembered and responded to him. It wasn’t long before we stumbled into our bedroom, barely breaking apart for a breath—what we’d started at the park warming us up for what came next.
The sex was fantastic, if not a bit intense, and though it was the first time I could remember being intimate with Matt, it didn’t feel entirely unfamiliar. Which was odd, yet reassuring. It seemed a part of me hadn’t forgotten what Matt and I had, or how well we had worked together, once.
Yet as I lay naked beside him afterward, trying to hang on to the lingering, warm buzz of what we’d done, I had to fight the instinct I’d betrayed Daniel.
14
It was the end of March, almost two months since the day I slipped on the ice, and Matt and I were headed out for Jake’s thirtieth birthday party. Matt had been asking me daily for the past week if I was sure I wanted to go (yes, or mostly yes), and then if I thought Ishouldgo. He seemed more anxious about it than I was, and while I wasn’t looking forward to Jake’s party exactly, I was tired of the four walls of our living room and my antisocial status.
Matt and I had been sleeping in the same bed now for the past two weeks, and things were progressing in the sense it had started to feel more natural to have him beside me all night. We’d had sex only a couple more times, and while it had been nice to share that closeness with someone—my body certainly craved the release—I couldn’t shake the feeling I was being unfaithful. It hovered over me, settled like a sickness in my gut even when I tried to push it away and remind myselfI waswith Matt. Thinking about Daniel was actually the unfaithful act.
I told Dr. Kay I’d decided not to contact Daniel, and she listened carefully as I unleashed my frustrations in the safety of our session about everyone keeping the truth from me. After acknowledging my resentment, she said, “Everyone is trying to help you, Lucy. The best way they know how. And they won’t always get it right.”
What could I say? Of course they were trying. They loved me. I felt bad after what she said, for the stunt I pulled by locking myself in the room and making everyone worry. But Dr. Kay wouldn’t let me get too self-pitying, either. “Own your feelings, Lucy. But don’t try to control or suppress them. No one expects you to get it right all the time, either.”
She asked what had set my mind about not contacting Daniel, and I admitted that while part of me still wanted to see him, a greater part of me wanted to let him go.
“What do you think you need, Lucy?”
“I don’t think I need that anymore. To see Daniel, I mean. What I need is to convince my brain to accept the truth, because it’s still hanging on to last year’s news.” I smiled, or at least I tried hard. “Do you know how impossible it is to try to get your brain to convince your, well, brain what it believes isn’t true?”
“I’m guessing it’s not easy,” Dr. Kay said. “Not at all.”
No, it isn’t.
* * *
When Matt and I arrived, the party was already in full swing. If I thought I was prepared to be out at a bar, I was wrong. Between the sounds of celebratory voices, the band playing full tilt and so many bodies packed into the room, I could barely catch my breath. I focused on my belly, extending it with a deep breath, then letting it out with a low, controlled hiss. It helped somewhat, so I did it a few more times as Matt clutched my hand and led me toward the bar.
We stood in line and he leaned close. “You okay?”
“Stop asking me that,” I snapped, then immediately regretted it when Matt dropped my hand, looking stung. My emotional pendulum swung from swift anger to remorse, and I swallowed hard as I forced the necessary apology to my lips. “Sorry. I’m okay. Thanks.”
Matt nodded, then gave his body a little shake—rolling his shoulders a couple of times and jumping up and down a few inches while we waited in line, as though he were getting ready for a race. It was what he did when he was nervous, needed to release energy so he could focus.
“Gin and soda?” Matt asked as we approached the bar.
“Please. Lots of lime.”
He was leaning on the bar, about to give our drink order, but then he turned back to me. “You want lime?”
