Iris shrugged. She didn’t feel happy or sad. She didn’t really know what she felt about Josh’s death. A bit shocked. Sort of numb. Guilty. And scared. But she didn’t want to talk about it.
It wasn’t just memories that came flooding back after Josh’s death. Iris’s self-confidence began to return, too. She hadn’t realized he’d chipped away at her confidence until she had none left. She came to think of him as a predator. He’d sucked all the goodness out of her, like a vampire sucking blood to survive. She’d become weak and he’d become strong. Now he was gone, she felt gradually stronger, like the worst was finally behind her.
Sometime after he died, Iris played the violin for the first time in ages. Uplifting songs. Some Lindsey Stirling covers. She hit a lot of wrong notes, but it felt good. Why hadn’t she played for so long? She could hardly blame that on Josh. He wasn’t musical; he liked hip-hop, rap, some rock, but he was tone-deaf. She’d been playing the violin since she was little. She’d taken Grade 8 and got a distinction way before she knew him. But he’d come to school concerts that she played in, listened, rapt, to her practising and eventually it was like she needed his validation to perform.
Iris also went for a run. Across Exmoor. It was exhilarating. Liberating. Running was another activity she’d stopped doing. She didn’t really know why. Maybe because she associated running with him; it was something she’d done with him. And, like the violin, Josh had become so involved with her running that she was lost without his input. She would never run again in Lower Buryknoll Wood, that was for sure; she’d probably never set foot in those woods again. But she vowed to start running regularly again. And she would play the violin again, too. She might not be able to set up the website now Josh was dead, but she could take up the hobbies she’d dropped. The things she was passionate about. The things that made her who she was.
The day she passed her driving test, Iris bumped into Sasha Spencer-Lyles. It was in town, in the high street. They could have just smiled, or even ignored each other, and carried on walking, but Sasha stopped, so Iris felt she had to. For a couple of seconds, Iris stood there while Sasha stared at the ground. Awkward.
Iris and Sasha had only talked, like, once. It was before Josh had leaked that video of her. Iris thought about that as she stood there, hoping she didn’t look impatient while she waited for Sasha to speak, or hit her, or something.
‘What are you looking at?’ Sasha had said. Not a promising opening gambit, in Iris’s opinion.
They’d been standing side by side at the sinks in the toilets at school, Iris washing her hands, Sasha fixing her already immaculate hair.
‘Sorry,’ Iris had mumbled, but she’d held Sasha’s gaze in the mirror. And when Sasha’s expression had softened, Iris had added, ‘Be careful, Sasha. He’s not what he seems. He’s … he can be—’
‘You’re just jealous,’ Sasha had said and stomped out of the ladies’ loos, ahead of Iris, closing the door on her instead of allowing her through, too.
Was Iris jealous? she’d wondered. Sasha and Josh were sickeningly lovey-dovey and it had reminded Iris of how it was in the beginning, when she and Josh were in love and she couldn’t get enough of him and he’d wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. So, yeah, if she was honest with herself, at the time, she had probably been a bit jealous. Mostly, though, she’d just been relieved that Josh’s attention was focused on someone else. But she hadn’t wanted him to hurt Sasha or anything. Iris didn’t know Sasha well, but she seemed nice enough, even though she’d just closed the door in her face.
It was Iris who spoke first the second time, when Sasha still hadn’t uttered a word several seconds later. ‘Are you all right?’ Iris asked.
Sasha looked up and into Iris’s eyes. ‘Yeah. No. I don’t know,’ she said. ‘You?’
‘Same, I guess. A bit worried they’ll think it was me.’
‘I know, right? I had to give a statement to the police this morning and all the time I was thinking, what if they suspect me?’
‘I’m sure they won’t. Weren’t you at uni at the time?’
‘Yeah. In lectures or tutorials, probably. Or at home with my housemates. Should have a shitload of alibis either way.’ She gave a dry chuckle. ‘I owe you an apology.’
‘What for?’
‘That day in the bogs at school. You tried to warn me. I didn’t listen.’
‘It’s OK.’
‘It’s really not,’ Sasha said. ‘I told Josh and I shouldn’t have.’
‘What did you tell Josh?’
‘That you tried to warn me about him.’
‘Oh. It’s fine, really.’
‘That’s very big of you,’ Sasha said. ‘I felt guilty about that for, like, months.’
They went their separate ways then. They didn’t have anything more to say to each other. But Iris stopped dead a few metres further along the high street. Sasha’s words echoed in her head.I told Josh and I shouldn’t have. I felt guilty about that for, like, months.Duh! Light bulb moment. Of course! Sasha told Josh that Iris had tried to warn her about him. Iris’s video went viral … it must have been, what? A week later? Two weeks later? That was Iris’s punishment for trying to give his new girlfriend the heads-up. The revenge porn. Sasha must have wondered if Josh was behind it, but Josh would have denied it. As Iris knows only too well, Josh can be convincing when he lies. Sasha was probably in way too deep by then, under his spell, too in love.
Iris should have known. Foresight. That would be such a cool superpower to have. Far better than invisibility or time travel. The ability to foresee – topredict– what would happen. If only she had known.
Chapter 36
Ash
NOW
