But she was painfully aware that meant taking Hudson in. Parenting. Raising a belligerent, rebellious teenager. What would that do to their lives? What would happen when they inevitably had a baby? Would Hudson feel forced out again? Flee and put himself in danger?
“I should check on him.” Heavenly started to pull away.
Beck held her tight. “Give him space tonight. Tomorrow will be soon enough for…whatever happens.”
The urge to comfort the angry, hurting boy downstairs tugged at her. She’d always felt compelled to care for the people around her. It was one reason she was studying so diligently to become a nurse. But her father’s death had taught her that she couldn’t fix everything simply because she wanted to.
“You’re right. I’m going to get ready for bed. It’s early…but I feel exhausted.”
“We should probably wind down since Hudson is on another time zone and may be up at the ass crack of dawn.”
“Good point,” she said as she began washing her face and brushing her teeth.
Beck stripped and hopped in the shower. She always enjoyed gawking at him. The people he worked with had no idea the muscles and tattoos he hid under his dress shirts and lab coat. But she did, and she loved every inch of him. Tonight, though, she had too much on her mind to do more than stare.
As he stood under the pelting spray, she patted her clean face dry—and a realization burned through her head. “Seth never called or texted us today.”
Beck froze, then tried to shrug it off. “It’s his last night there. He’s probably just busy.”
Maybe, but… “It’s not like him. He almost always checks in, makes sure we’re okay.” Fear crept into her voice. “Do you think something happened in New York? What if…he’s having second thoughts about starting a family?”
“If anything’s going on with him, we’ll deal with it when he gets home.”
Heavenly hated to be negative, but avoiding the terrifying possibilities wouldn’t solve anything. “What if he decides he can’t handle all this?”
“We’ll remind him how good we are together.” Beck’s voice was as fierce as his dark eyes, even through the steamy glass. “That we’re worth fighting for.”
She nodded, hoping that was enough.
Seth stared out the airplane’s window at the patchwork of land below, his stomach churning with more than turbulence. The guilt and regret from yesterday’s visit to his old house wouldn’t fucking quit. Hell, he’d barely stepped through the door before the onslaught of memories had pulled him under, and he’d run. Less than five minutes, and he’d let the specters of Autumn’s and Tristan’s memories drive him out.
The house shouldn’t still haunt him, much less hold this much power over him. The fact that it did terrified Seth.
Why the hell can’t I get over it? What do I tell Beck and Heavenly?
They’d been so patient. Seth had convinced himself that the passing of time and embracing of his new life had allowed him to conquer his demons. But he’d been blowing smoke up his ass. One step into his past, and he couldn’t deny that he was still spectacularly fucked up.
As much as Seth ached for a future with Beck and Heavenly, wanting and actually being able to were two entirely different things. He was learning that the hard way.
God, he fucking hated being right back where he’d started.
The flight attendant’s voice crackled over the intercom, announcing their descent into LAX.
Seth clenched the armrests. Beck and Heavenly were at home, undoubtedly waiting to pelt him with questions—about the twins, about any inroads he’d made with his mom, about their future. And, of course, eager to keep trying for the baby they both longed for.
The baby that both excited and terrified Seth to the depths of his soul.
He closed his eyes, remembering Beck’s face the last time they’d made love to Heavenly. He’d seen not just a primal satisfaction, but hope. And Heavenly—god, the way she’d looked at him afterward, like he was her whole world. They deserved better than his inability to control his fears and exorcise his demons.
He knew his misgivings were irrational…but that didn’t change shit. Every time he thought about getting Heavenly pregnant, about holding their child, he was thrilled at the notion of claiming her so ultimately…even as panic clawed at him. What if he failed at fatherhood again? What if he couldn’t protect this family? What if?—
Stop. He shoved down his internal chaos.
What if a baby was exactly what he needed? What if holding their child would finally prove he could protect what mattered? What if getting Heavenly pregnant cemented their bond so completely that nothing could tear them apart?
When the plane touched down with a gentle bump, Seth’s throat tightened. He’d missed Beck and Heavenly, but today…coming home felt as if he was being frog-marched toward a cliff.
An hour later, Seth pulled his SUV into the driveway and killed the engine. The house looked exactly the same—warm and welcoming in the late afternoon sun. A respite under the California sky.
