On purpose.
I wanted to stay in that shower forever, but the Steel Demons women had refused to let me spiral. Ellie and Chloe knocked on the door just as I finished pulling my hair into a messy ponytail and pulled me out of my solitude.
As soon as I settled into a chair, Raven shoved a double shot of whiskey into my hand like it was medicine. “Drink,” she ordered. “Trust me.”
Chloe tried to feed me fries at the same time. “Fries are literally the perfect food,” she said seriously. “Any time of day, but especially with whiskey.”
How I managed to laugh after what I’d done, I had no fucking clue. But there I was, lips tipped up into a genuine smile with a soft laugh that shook my entire body.
These women, they knew what I was feeling because some of them had felt it before. Women like Faith, who sat across from me, her presence calm and steady. She’d been a cop once in another life and she admitted she’d been in my shoes before. “It’s never going to go away,” she offered gently. “But you did what you had to do, and eventually you’ll believe that and it won’t hurt as bad as it does right now.”
I swallowed and took another sip. The burn felt good, it was warm and reminded me that I was alive. “That’s… comforting, I think.” I hesitated, then quietly admitted, “I don’t feel bad, actually. I feel shaken that I’m not more upset, if that makes sense.” I let out a weak laugh and shook my head.
No one said anything, but no one judged me either.
“I felt helpless,” I whispered. “So fucking useless watching Drew take on three guys while I froze. The same way I always do.” My voice dropped. “I couldn’t let that happen again. I had to do something, ya know?”
All the women who surrounded me nodded, understanding ran deep in their eyes.
Chloe sat up straighter and then she leaned forward, laying one hand on top of mine. “I killed my husband and his brother. It was self-defense.” One lone tear slid down her cheek. “It was them or me and I had to do it, and yeah, I kind of wanted to after years of abuse and I was happy to be free. But some nights,” she began and abruptly stopped, shaking her head. “A lotof nights, actually, I see their faces.”
I knew exactly what she meant, though I didn’t share about the nightmares that still plagued my sleep from my time as Diego’s captive. I wasn’t ready to talk about it to anyone. Not yet. Maybe someday. Instead, I reached over and hugged Chloe without thinking twice about it. “I’m sorry they haunt you,” I whispered. “But that is kind of badass.”
She snorted, swiping her tears. “Didn’t feel that way at the time,” she admitted with a sad smile. “And it was only recently that I started to process it all.”
I knew there were more details and I was curious, but I could also read a room, and it was clear Chloe wasn’t ready to talk about it.
Slowly. Sofuckingslowly, my body started to feel warm again. My pulse had returned to normal and the world crept back into focus. The dullness had sharpened and the colors were more vibrant, but the unease lingered longer than I wanted. Eventually, my attention turned from how I was feeling to the one thing we were all thinking about but not talking about.
The men were all gone, except a few prospects.
“What do you think’s happening in there?” I asked, nodding towards the closed door where the men had disappeared. I hadn’t noticed the door before, but all thewomen’s gaze eventually landed on that door as time dragged on.
“They got some new intel,” Peyton offered. “I don’t know what, but it seemed important. I’m guessing we’re about to go on lockdown. Soon.”
A collective groan followed.
“What does lockdown actually mean?” I asked. There was so much to learn about Drew’s club and all the rules. It wasn’t so different than landing in a new foster home or group home.
“We sit around here and eat too much,” Emma answered.
“Drink too much, too,” Raven answered with a smile.
Peyton nodded. “We watch the kids and stay on edge until it’s all over. But we’re safe here and it’s less stressful than being home alone.”
Alone.
I’d spent most of my life that way. But here, surrounded by noise and people and warmth, I was never alone. And more than that, I no longerfeltalone. “That’s nice, isn’t it?”
Winter, Hollywood’s old lady, nodded. “I’m not sure I’d have made it this long if I didn’t have these women when shit goes down. It’s hard,” she admitted. “But they make it less so.”
I let those words sink in until they were tattooed on my soul. I’d never had those kinds of friendships, not with women. Not with anyone but Drew. I wanted it, so bad I could taste it. But there was one thought I just couldn’t shake. “I’m sorry you’re all going through this because of me.”
A few of the women laughed sympathetically.
A woman with a soothing voice, Nikki I think, smiled. “Honey, we’ve all been where you are. If you weren’t important to one of them, you wouldn’t be here. You’re family to Vandal. That makes you family to us.”
“Drew’s been my only family for as long as I can remember.” And we’d been apart for so many years that I’d basically been alone. An orphan.
