Chapter One
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Catori Starr staredat the thunderous waves of the Atlantic Ocean as they rolled onto the white sand only to be sucked back into the vast void. The strong tide gave them no say in the direction they wanted to take. She understood how the untamed foaming caps felt as the massive body of water dictated their efforts. Her fate had been taken out of her hands and there wasn’t a thing she could do to change any of it.
Reminiscing over the same memories for the past two years kepthimalive in her heart. Their wedding night played over and over in Catori’s head until yet other special moments crowded in. She had numbed herself to the pain and went through her days in a mindless state doing absolutely nothing. Within the span of a single hour on a critical mission, her life had been ripped to shreds. She hadn’t been there in his last few minutes of life and she felt the guilt eat at her soul every second of every hour of every day. The part she couldn’t accept was no one survived in whom she could seek solace or revenge. The spirit within her anguished over that fact and constantly pierced her heart as a reminder. There was nothing left.
The evening air contained a chill, which had her pulling the beige crocheted knit sweater that Brendan had bought her on their honeymoon over her shoulders just a little bit tighter. The evening sun was setting, but Catori couldn’t bring herself to move from the bench along this stretch of the beach. Thereservoir of energy that used to course its way through her veins had been depleted long ago. A movement to the right in her peripheral vision caught her eye, and although her old recognition of tradecraft more or less had become dormant, it still existed.
A man was located around a hundred feet away, strolling through the cooling sand with his hands in his pockets and his face toward the breeze. His brown hair was short but still in need of a cut if she could see the strands moving from here. Gavin Crest. She recognized him immediately and she settled back against the wooden bench, accepting that she’d have to bear his company while he had his say.
Catori studied him while she waited, taking in Crest’s Tommy Bahama black button-down shirt and khaki shorts. It was rare she saw him wearing something so casual, but the classic style fit his personality. The brown leather sandals were a nice touch and he still wore those Ray Ban sunglasses from years ago in the desert. They’d been friends for a very long time and she knew what he’d come to see her about. She just didn’t think she was ready.
Crest pulled out a folder from behind his back that must have been tucked into his waistband and sat down beside her without a word. The two of them continued to stare out over the ocean and Catori found that the company wasn’t the same without her husband. She shifted slightly, trying to rid herself of the chill of loneliness that she’d gotten much too acquainted with lately. It wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon.
“How did you find me?”
“You didn’t make it that hard,” Crest replied, lifting the blacked out sunglasses until they sat perfectly on top of his head. “Besides, yesterday marked the two year anniversary of Red’s death. I figured you’d come back to where the two of you met.”
Red. Hearing her husband’s nickname caused her to wince and Catori could see that Crest hadn’t missed her reaction. Brendan O’Neill. He was as Irish as they came and the complete physical opposite of her mixed Apache and English heritage. Saying his name aloud brought his image alive and it was as if he were standing directly in front of her. His nickname stemmed from his tousled blond hair that contained a hint of fire and that damned flame-red beard, but it was his grey eyes that had captured her attention the first time she’d had the privilege to meet him. The vision faded just as quickly as it appeared.
“And you’re here why?” Catori already knew the answer to that question, but she felt compelled to let Crest know he wasn’t welcome. “I would have thought you would be too busy with setting up your new agency. Speaking of which…Minneapolis? Really? I heard you only see green grass a couple of times a year.”
“That’s an exaggeration and you know it.” Crest shot her a sideways look that said he wasn’t humored by her comment. “Besides, I have family in Minnesota. It was time to go back home.”
“We have no home, Crest.” Catori didn’t want to get into another debate with him in regards to family and friends, so she switched the subject by motioning toward the folder in his hand. “What’s in the file?”
“Before we get to that,” Crest replied, not giving an inch and stirring an irritation that Red had liked to poke from time to time just for the hell of it, “CSA will open its doors shortly. I cherry-picked my team and have also spent time cultivating relationships with numerous agencies that I can rely on in specific situations. You and Red had something that can’t be thrown away, Starr. You have the ability to lay out a strategy and develop the detailed plan of attack that is required for a highly trained tactician to lead a team into the most dangerous ofhostage rescue missions. You have an innate sense of operations in a way that no one else has that I’ve ever seen. It’s time to get back in the game.”
“Red Starr HRT died the day Brendan did.” Catori hadn’t just lost her husband that fateful day, but the group of five men that made up the hostage rescue team had been like brothers…family. She’d stayed back in the States due to another potential assignment they had both thought warranted attention. She’d left men behind and there wasn’t a minute that went by that she let herself forget it. “I’m out.”
“Really? Is that what Red would want?”
“Don’t,” Catori warned, sitting a little straighter on the bench. She brushed away her long black hair as she met the gaze of Crest’s green eyes. She hated the sympathy she saw within them, and even though she promised herself she wouldn’t go on the defensive the words came out anyway. “Red and I started the team together. It wasours. Not mine alone. Don’t put that bullshit on me, Crest.”
“Bullshit? You’re the one that’s spewing that shit. You’re a retired Master Sergeant of the United States Marine Corps, for fuck’s sake. Square your ass away and act like the senior staff non-commissioned officer I know you are. You’ve had your time to grieve for Red. All those years of training didn’t teach you to fold at the first roadblock in your path. Hardships are just leadership opportunities. The missions come first. Red knew that and you know that. So sack up and get your ass back in the game.”
“Red died alone, Crest.” Catori stated the obvious, not knowing what else to say. She’d come to Ship Bottom in order to remember a past life that she would never get back. Crest didn’t get to land blows and ruin the memories. “Where the hell is your compassion?”
“There’s compassion and then there’s fucking enabling. I won’t enable you, Marine,” Crest stated, shaking his head to emphasize his words. “We’ve maintained a friendship over the years and I won’t abandon you to lie in your own crap. Face facts. You were always the brains of the outfit. Red was the brawn, an operator. And to be honest with you, it’s a lot harder to replace you than it would be him. Find yourself a new lead operator and get back to doing your damn job.”
Catori didn’t reply, mostly because she had nothing to come back with. Yes, she’d been wallowing in her own misery. Wasn’t she entitled to? She’d lost her husband, her partner, her lover. The world had lost a good man, an honest man. The anguish once again hit her chest and she blinked rapidly to contest the tears that she didn’t want to appear. It could be going on ten years and she would still feel the same. She’d tried everything imaginable to let go and even resorted to taking a man into her bed last night. It didn’t work, which was why she was out here by herself, trying to make sense of what her meaningless days had become. Life wasn’t fucking fair and here Crest was, reminding her of that fact.
“It’s time, Catori.” Crest placed the manila folder between them on the weather worn bench that had lost its color long ago from the harsh elements. She knew how the wood felt, for that’s how her soul would appear in the light of day. “There are dossiers inside this file that will give you detailed information on men and women that I’ve selected for your new team. Take it or leave it, but know that I would hire any one of them for CSA. I’ve done the grunt work for you—now all you have to do is get your ass back into mission ready status.”
Catori didn’t reach for the packet or reply to Crest’s little speech. She hated that he was right and that she needed to start doing something with her life other than fade away into nothing. Red wasn’t here. He was never going to be and it was time thatshe faced facts, regardless that her heart would never beat the same. It was now hollow and only involuntarily doing what her body asked. If there was anything left to give, it might as well be to those people who needed help. Maybe it would speed up the time that had slowed down to an unbearable crawl, aging her beyond her years. She looked forward to the moment when she and Red would meet again.
Crest stood, not bothering to place his sunglasses back onto his face. Dusk had fallen and the ocean was turning dark, much like the abyss she knew it to be. There was nothing left to be said, but when her friend took two steps away, she found she didn’t want to be left alone…not yet.
“What am I going to owe you for taking the time to vet these potential team members?” Catori released the tight hold she had on her sweater and let her fingers brush the folder. She wouldn’t admit to the small spark inside of her at doing something slightly different than her monotonous routine of waking up in the morning. This was just to pass the time. “You know I hate favors.”
“You owe me nothing more than you did before,” Crest replied, stopping but not fully facing her. He turned slightly and looked over his shoulder, hands back into his pockets. “I’m repaying a debt that I owed Red from a long time ago. Take advantage of it, and when you’re in my neighborhood give me a call. I’ll take you out to dinner, Top”
Catori laughed softly, the sound foreign to her own ears. She watched as Crest walked away, and although he’d said things she hadn’t wanted to hear, knew that she had a true friend in that enigmatic man. She and Red had known him for years, but there was something about Gavin Crest that would always remain a mystery. Regardless, she knew whom to call if she were ever in some serious shit.
“Crest,” Catori called out, waiting for him to turn around once more. He was at least forty yards out, but she could still make out his form. “You’re more likely to be in California than I am in your bitter-assed state. Look me up.”
A flash of smile in the early moonlight and then her friend was gone. Catori sat there for a few more moments, wondering why Crest had chosen now of all times to tempt her with something new. He was very much like Red in his timing, but then that’s what had made Red so good at his job. She looked down at the file, and giving in, picked it up. She’d wait for morning before seeing what was inside. It felt odd to have something to do besides wake up tomorrow. Waves were still crashing against the sand, fighting against the eternal tide. She knew that’s what it would feel like starting over, but maybe this time she could manage to bring them all home.
