Could I open up enough to get Penny to trust me?
Could I control myself enough to avoid more puzzled looks like the one Erika had shot me?
Could I be the man Penny deserved?
Chapter Three
Penny
Propping the pillows against the headboard, I settled onto the bed, hugging my knees to my chest and closed my eyes.
The three intensely handsome men who’d been in the registration area were clearly out of my league. What was I thinking? They were probably nice like that to everyone.
I wanted to go home, but even thinking of getting back into my car had me clenching my fists and gritting my teeth.
I’m safe here, I reminded myself.
I still wanted to go home.
I fidgeted with the pillows behind me… too soft. I wanted my own pillows, my own bed, my own overflowing bookshelf, my…
Taking a few deep breaths, I stopped the anxious thought spiral.
I’d promised to give myself a chance to feel normal. That couldn’t happen if I left or stayed in my cabin.
My therapist’s soothing voice played through my mind. “Identify five things you can see.”
Forcing my eyes open, I spied the curtain drawn over the window, the overhead light I hadn’t turned on, all the things thatbelonged to someone else before the room became mine…. No, I couldn’t think like that.
The mirror I didn't want to face myself in, the suitcase I hadn’t unpacked, the spinning room…
Crap. I wasn’t breathing. I forced three deep breaths and moved on to four things I could feel. The seam up the side of my leggings, the overly squishy pillows… moving my hand to the bed, I rubbed it over the comforter. Was it really a comforter if it didn't comfort me? Fine, the bedspread. Reaching to the bedside table, I felt my book. Yes, that’s good. I pulled it to my chest, then repositioned to sit cross-legged.
Another deep breath.
Three things I could hear… giggles coming from outside. Happiness is good. I want to be happy. I want to be normal. My heavy breaths… yep, they were audible Then I rolled the pages of the book under my thumb to create a third sound—the flip of pages.
Two things I can smell… a light floral fragrance, perhaps a cleanser, and bringing the book to my face, I drew in a deep breath, inhaling my favorite scent in the whole world.
One thing I could taste… I licked my lips. Could I actually taste remnants of my cherry lip gloss? Did I care? I got up, retrieved the tube from my bag, and applied a new layer to taste.
My feet tried to take me back to the bed, despite it not being my bed in my own room, but the alarm on my phone piped its cheerful tune.
Really? I’m so predictable. My head lolled back, and I slumped. The alarm wasn’t going to relent.
I reached back into my bag, fished out my phone, silenced the alarm, and read the memo I’d tagged to it:I promise to make the most of this experience. Say it out loud.
A laugh bubbled inside my chest, grew, then tumbled out of my mouth. Yes, I’m that predictable.
The slew of icons across the top of my screen reminded me I hadn’t let anyone know I’d arrived safely. Since I hadn’t told anyone exactly where I was going, they had a right to be extra worried. Leaving Do Not Disturb on, I sent my mom and friends a message letting them know my room was…
The power of positive thinking.
Please let my therapist be right—I could get ahead of a lot of my negative thought spirals if I focused on the positive.
How could I positively describe the cabin… private? No, they’d remind me to interact. Nice? That was a good word. I sent the message and put my phone back in my bag.
A weight lifted, not because the room was nice, but because of the privacy. I could do the workshops and attempt socializing, while having a safe place to retreat and regroup.
