“Is it?” He gives a half shrug. “I don’t need it. Not then, not now.”
I swallow hard at the casual answer. I can’t fathom not needing that. I’ve spent my life surrounded by people that love me and freely show that love. I couldn’t live without it. I tell my students that it’s important to always put yourself in someone else’s shoes, to better understand where they’re coming from. And right now, I can’t. It’s impossible to fathom.
“But you touch other people.” The answer comes to me before he can give it. “The gloves. You use them as a barrier so that youaren’t making a connection with them, no matter how cursory.” Only, that can’t be all of it, can it? “You kissed Hunter.” The image of that will forever be imprinted in my brain, and I’m at least eighty-four percent sure I didn’t dream it up. Those are good odds. So there has to be some connection between the two things. He can give affection but not receive it? “Is it a control thing?”
I jolt in surprise when a warm hand lands on my shoulder. It’s Xavier, giving me a look that I couldn’t hope to decipher even if I was given a thousand years. Hunter stands to my right, flanking me. The very idea of it sends a shiver down my spine. No matter what happens next, I’ll never forget this feeling. Surrounded by these three men who take up such a huge presence in any room they fill.
Miles’ dark, intense gaze flits between the three of us.
“Is it a control thing, Miles?” Xavier asks in a way that makes me think he knows the answer already. That doesn’t surprise me.
“No.”
“What, then?” Hunter asks.
Miles shifts, and he looks almost uncomfortable. “Is that what you want? For me to touch you?”
“No. I mean, yes. I mean—no.”
“Which is it, yes or no?” he asks, raising an eyebrow at me.
“Not because I asked. Not because I want you to. I just want to understand whyyoudon’t want to. Why it’s not something that you desire.”
Xavier chuckles warmly beside me. He curls a hand around the back of my neck and drags me closer to him as he nuzzles into my skin with his nose. “Desire means something different to every person,” he whispers. He kisses the curve of my neck softly. “For example, Hunter only feels desire when he cares. When you feel his lips on yours, when he gives that beautiful sigh after surrender, you know he’s yours. Me? I can count on onehand how many people I’ve felt desire for. To me?” He slides a hand under my shirt, fingers flirting over my stomach. My knees go weak, and I’m not sure how long I can keep standing on my own power. He slides his lips across my cheek to the corner of my mouth. “It means obsession. Utter devotion. To be so consumed by another that there’s nothing else left in the world except you and them. Have you ever felt like that, Matthew?”
I let out a shuddered breath when a tongue flicks out against my skin. “I—I think so. Yes. What was the question?” I don’t know what day it is, what my name is, or what colour grass is. All I can think about is him, and them, and how hot it is in here. How much I want them to touch me.
“Don’t worry, you answered my question.”
“Right. Okay. Good.” I assume it’s good. I reach out and clutch his shirt. A hand that has to be Hunter’s rests against my lower back. They’re still sandwiching me between them, and I’ve never been so happy to be stuck.
“Miles has never had a chance to discover what desire means to him.” Xavier plays with the buckle of my belt. “Would you like to help him find out?”
Matthew
WouldI—didhejustask me that? This would be the perfect time to pinch myself. Maybe the coffee was poisoned. What does poison taste like? I have no idea.
“I—what would—how would—” I can’t get the words out, stuttering over them like I’m just learning my first words. My first word was “pineapple,” apparently, and I wouldn’t even be able to spell that right now. “Okay,” I end on. Hopefully that conveys what I need it to.Please don’t stop. Anything you want.
“Relax,” Xavier whispers, kissing my cheek. The sensation spreads through me like wildfire, and I almost miss him undoing my belt.Second base.Third base? Which base is which? I don’t know that either. It’s a good thing neither sexual bases nor poison are on my curriculum, because I’d never be able to show my face at school again.
“I don’t think I can,” I admit. Relaxing is for like… knitting, and hot chocolate, and soft, fluffy socks. Not these three men, circling me like I’m their prey. That’s the opposite of “relax.”
“Don’t worry,” Xavier murmurs, nipping me gently with his teeth. “We’ll look after you, duckling.”
I can’t even be mad at the nickname, not with the way he says it. Sultry and so deep and low. That voice was made to drive people wild in the dark. In a combusting kind of way, not a “find the nearest place to hide and hope they don’t notice you’re there” way. I could listen to him reading a really boring book and still be enraptured. Also a little turned on. Okay, a lot.
Xavier’s hand moves down my back, and the air in the room shifts as soon as he meets Hunter’s. Supercharged, electrifying everyone around them. Pulling us into their dance. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve to be here, but I’ll hold it with both hands until they ask me to let go. Inevitably they will. It’s easy to spot the odd one out.
“Should we experiment with a kiss?” Xavier skates fingers up my chest. I don’t know who he’s envisioning as part of this experiment, and it doesn’t even matter. All I can think isyesandcan I watch?
Xavier crooks his finger, and Miles comes closer. Water rushes in my ears, and my heart thumps so loudly they have to be able to hear it. I rub my palms on my thighs awkwardly, no clue what to do with them.
“What do you want, Miles?” Xavier strokes my cheek before moving to my chin, leaving a path of heat in his wake. I can’t breathe, my everything focused so intently on them that I have no thought left for anything else.
Miles' eyes roam over my face, so dark they could easily be mistaken for black. Just when I think he’s going to laugh and walk away, he presses a gloved finger under my chin, tilting my face up. A wisp of his hair has come out of his ponytail, and I itch to brush it back, just so I can touch it and find out how it feels. His Adam’s apple bobs, and then he leans in. He’s slow, methodical, and I’m tense with anticipation, skin prickling.
He’s going to kiss me.Is this real? I can’t even discreetly pinch myself, because I’m surrounded on all sides, warmth bracketing me in. Without thought, my hand reaches out, clutching at Xavier’s shirt, twisting the cool fabric around my fist.
