I nod, then shake my head. “No. I don’t really know. I don’t really have a label for it. I just know I love Parker and Ben, but I don’t know outside of that.” Although maybe I should. Maybe it would make this conversation easier. Probably not. “I’ve been so worried,” I choke out. “About telling you. I’m so afraid you won’t love me anymore.”
She gets up, sitting beside me quickly. “Landon,” she whispers, tear-filled brown eyes searching my face. “You’re my son. My baby. There is nothing in this entire world that could make me stop loving you.”
My brain goes offline. “What?”
“Did you really think…”
She seems so distraught. So hurt. I don’t really know how to reconcile this with how I thought it would go.
I nod. “You raised me in church, Mom. You… I heard all the things people said. What else was I supposed to think? God is everything to you.” The last part comes out in a choked whisper, tears burning my eyes. “What else was I supposed to think?” I ask again, wishing I hadn’t sent Ben and Parker away. I need them.
Mom sniffles. “You’re wrong, Landon. You’re wrong.” She reaches out for me, her hand shaking so hard it almost shocks me. I slip mine into hers, and she gives it a squeeze. “I love you. Do you remember when I was sick?”
I nod, heart clenching painfully in my chest.
“I was terrified. Terrified that I’d die. And I wouldn’t get to be your mom anymore.”
My throat closes up, the tears filling my vision finally spilling over and pouring down my cheeks.
“I used to pray…” She closes her eyes, squeezing them tightly before opening them again. “I used to pray that God would save me. For you. Because of you. Maybe that’s selfish. But I did. You’d fall asleep in my bed, curled into me, all long limbs and messy hair, and I’d just hold you and beg God to let me stay another day. Just one. I’d swear if He gave me just one more day, I’d be happy. And then every single night, I’d pray for one more.”
I don’t even know what to say. I don’t know how to react. She goes blurry as more tears fill my eyes and spill over, my throat aching so badly it feels like it’s wrapped in barbed wire.
“God isn’t my everything, Landon.Youare.”
A sob breaks free of my chest, and Mom wraps her arms around me, holding me as I break down fully. Her chest shudders, and she sniffles. “It’s okay, Lan. It’s okay. I love you. I love you so much.”
I can barely breathe. I sob into her shoulder, the tears coming faster than I can stop them, until it feels like I’m scooped out and raw. It takes forever for me to calm down, but when I finally do, I sit back on the couch, wiping at my face.
“I’m so sorry. That you felt you couldn’t tell me. That you were worried I’d… I’m sorry,” she repeats.
I nod, not trusting my voice to speak at all.
“Go get them, please,” she whispers. “I want to meet them properly.”
Chapter 30
Parker
Ilean closer to Ben, sliding my arm through his. I’m almost shaking. From fear? I’m not sure. I think so, though. It’s all murky grays and blues, so dark no light can get in. Not the blue I felt this morning. Not the colors that wrap around me and keep me warm and safe.
I don’t think anything that happens in there will change things for Landon, but what if it does? I tried to change myself to win Lincoln’s approval. “Do you think he’ll break up with us if it goes bad?”
Ben shakes his head, finding my hand and twining our fingers together. “No, I don’t think so.”
I bite at my bottom lip, staring out across the yard. “But what if he does? I tried to change to keep Lincoln. What if she reacts badly, and he tries to change to keep her?”
Clasping my face, Ben turns my head so I’m forced to look at him. “You’re really worried about this.”
It’s a statement, not a question. I nod anyway. “Yeah. We just got him. I don’t want to lose him already.”
“Oh, baby,” Ben murmurs, wrapping his arms around me and pulling me in. I snuggle closer, pressing my face against his chest.
Sunshiney yellow works its way through the gray and blue dancing in my vision, my fear receding some in the warmth of Ben’s light.
He runs his fingers through my hair, cradling me to his chest. “We’re not going to lose Landon. He wanted to tell herbecauseof us. We won’t lose him.”
I trust Landon. Ben has to be right. I’m not sure what I’ll do if he’s not.
