“Notbecause Ihadto. Because Iwantto. Look, I never intended to have kids, but you’re here now, and I’m doing the best that I can. We’re both still adapting to our new living arrangements. I get it. I know you miss your parents, friends, and home. I also never thought I’d have a boyfriend again, but then here comes this cute little preppy father, and he just sucked me right into his life. I promised myself I would live alone and be a bachelor, but you know what?”
He chokes back a sob, his body still stiff against me. “W-what?”
“I like having you around, Brae. I want you to have a happy and healthy life. You’re a part of two people I cared deeply about.”
A sob escapes him, but he doesn’t move his head from between his knees.
“I don’t have a clue what I’m doing, not gonna lie. Do you have any idea how many times I’ve reached out to Seth for help? If I didn’t care, I wouldn’t have bothered, kiddo. One thing Idoknow is that I truly believe you can be happy here. It’s going to take a while. I get that, but I’m certain that one day, perhaps you’ll kind of like me back. Maybe… just maybe, one day, you’ll even love me like a father.”
He’s still crying, not saying a word. I continue to hold him and run my fingers through his hair in a soothing motion.
We sit in silence for who knows how long. The clouds are getting thicker and darker, and the wind is picking up. We need to wrap this up so I can get him home.
“You left me,” he finally says.
Well, shit. There it is. The real reason Braeden’s so upset. I know I’m not the cause of his problems in school, but I am the cause of why he’s sitting here, miserable as fuck.
“You mean when I left for Houston?”
He nods his head on his knees. “I wanted to go home, and you left me behind. I asked you, and you said ‘no.’”
“Because you had school, Brae. And I thought—”
He sits up, scowls at me, his eyes red and swollen. “So! Who cares? I hate it there! I-I wanted toseethem.”
“Fuck me,” I whisper. “I’m so sorry, kiddo. I got so wrapped up in my mother’s death that I didn’t even think about bringing you to see your parents.”
“But youleftme.”
I’m confused now because he’d already said that. “What do you mean?”
“W-what if you died, too? What’s going to happen to me if you do?”
And now everything clicks into place. It’s not that he hates me. He was afraidforme. Afraid I’d die as his parents did. My heart bursts wide open, and I blink back the welling tears. For the first time since he came into my life, and right at that second with his words, I know I’m not an utter failure. He’d miss me, too, if something happened.
But god, I really need to get a better grasp on trauma. I’ll ask my therapist the next time I see him.
“I’m so sorry,” I say again. “If it’s not during school, I promise to take you wherever I go. I have to go back to Houston in a couple of weeks for the funeral. I’ll take you with me, okay?”
I remove my arm and wiggle my fingers at him, palm up. “Give me your phone.”
“Are you punishing me?”
I soften and smile. “No, kiddo. I’m not going to punish you. You did nothing wrong. What I am going to do is set you up with my phone’s location like I have yours. If you’re ever worried about where I am, you can look me up on the map to find me.”
He wipes his nose onhis inner wrist and hands me his phone after he swipes it open. Once I’ve set it up, I hand it back to him.
I pull him into a hug, and this time, he doesn’t resist me. In fact, he rests his head on my shoulder.
“Do you want to know whatI’mupset about?”
“My grades. The school said they were going to call you.”
I huff a laugh. “Yeah, we need to deal with that, but that’s not the only thing. I’m kind of hurt you haven’t decorated your room yet. You feel temporary, Brae, but I want you to be a permanent fixture in my life.” And I really do. “I’m going to fuck up as a parent. I won’t always get it right, but I’ll always try my best with you.”
“And I won’t be a perfect kid, either.”
I laugh at that. “We can be imperfect together.”
