"Did we, uh…" He struggles to get up, eventually settling for resting on his elbows. Despite nursing a hangover, his stomach flex is on point. Abs on abs on abs. We may both be in our late thirties, but Rein is a machine.
"Make love?" I answer with a wry smile.
"I was going to go with fuck each other's brains out, but I like how you put it better."
"No. Nothing happened. We didn't do anything." I sit down at the foot of the bed. "But you did kiss me. Do you remember that?"
He closes his eyes and inhales. "I do."
"Why?"
His eyes flare open, and he paws at his chest. Here we go. Straight dude remorse. I can spot it a mile away.I was wasted. It didn't mean anything. It was a mistake. Please don't tell anyone.I've heard it all before. I seem to be a magnet for attracting confused or DL dudes, and it sucks. It's why I don't hook up anymore. Too much of a mindfuck.
"Because I didn't want you to leave," he says quietly. "And…"Don't get your hopes up. Don't get your hopes up."I still love you, Beau."
Fuck.
My hopes have reached a fork in the road. Even though I'm sure he means it in a friendship way, last night's kiss opened up aportal I've spent decades trying to keep shut. Not to mention I'm still hurt by the way he betrayed me after the accident. I don't know which way to go. Do I go with what I've wanted but denied myself for decades or deal with the cold, hard reality of what he did after the accident?
"You shouldn't have done that," I say. Even though my head is pounding, and my heart so badly wishes to make something more of the kiss, in the sober light of a new, shielded-from-the-light day, I can see it was a mistake.
"Why not?"
"Because I'm gay, and you're not, and kissing someone who's gay when you're not is…well, it's borderline cruel," I snap, starting to get fed up. At what or who, I don't know. But I'm irritated.
"You're right. I'm not gay," he says, stating the obvious. "But…"Don't get your hopes up. Don't get your hopes up.
"But what, Rein?" I demand, hating that he's leaving me hanging, and hating myself even more for giving him this power over me in the first place.
He drops his gaze and starts fidgeting. "But I've never felt anything like what we had with anyone. And that makes me think that while I may not be gay, what I feel for you is more than just friendship love."
I get up and try to stamp out the hope already creeping in. Why did he have to say that? "That's not fair."
"What isn't?"
I can't tell if he's playing dumb, is hungover, genuinely has no idea, or some combination of all three.
"I've always had feelings for you, Rein, but I always kept them locked away so they never interfered with our friendship. You were the most important person in my life, and I didn't want to do anything to jeopardize what we had."
"But what if I?—"
"No." I raise my hand, shutting him down. "This was a mistake. All of it." I pick up my clothes off the floor and grab my keys, phone, and wallet off the side desk. "I don't think we should see each other again."
"You don't mean that. Come on, Beau. We can work this out. Please."
I reach the door, clutching my stuff to my chest, and IknowI'm making a huge mistake the moment I turn my head to look back at him. His hair is all messed up, he's still groggy, and his left eye is fully twitching.
It's enough to pierce my heart. But I have to be strong. He hurt me like no one else ever has.
"I do mean it. Forget about the fender bender. I'll handle it. Just… Don't ever contact me again, Rein."
5
Rein
"You're moping," Granny observes.
"He's been moping for days," Sabrina supplies, taking a sip of tea.
