What the fuck is wrong with me?
Last night, when I kissed Jude, I was so hard I was in pain. But I can barely get it up with Kara? Kara who Ilove? Kara, the woman I plan on marrying? What is going on? Why is kissing Kara not doing it for me anymore? Just a few weeks ago, I thought she was the perfect woman for me. Everything was so easy with her. Now, I feel like I’m playing a part when I’m with her.
By some miracle, Kara doesn’t notice I’m struggling. Instead, she looks past me and giggles. “Looks like Jude might get lucky tonight.”
I glance over and see Ben whispering something in Jude’s ear, his hand on Jude’s thigh. Jude laughs, smiling into Ben’s eyes. Anger jolts through me and I drain the rest of my beer and signal Jim for the check.
They don’t even know each other for fuck’s sake.
I say in a tight voice, “Babe, we should get going if we want to make our reservation.”
Kara brightens. “Oh, right. I almost forgot about dinner.” She slides off her stool and pulls on her jacket. “Jude, I’ll call you tomorrow about that rental.”
He glances over, not looking at me. “Thanks, Kara. I appreciate it.” His smile seems forced.
“Have fun you too,” Kara teases.
“We will,” Ben says, leaning into Jude with a smug smile. “But don’t wait up for this one.”
Jude just laughs.
I pretend I’m not bristling with jealousy as we walk out of the bar. Because why the fuck would I be? I have Kara and she’s all I need. So when Kara slips her arm through mine, I smile down at her. When she asks me to sleep over, I agree enthusiastically. I tell myself I want her. I tell myself I crave being with her. I tell myself that being in her arms is all I need.
The agonizing truth is, I don’t want to go back to my house because I can’t handle it if Jude doesn’t come home tonight.
Chapter Thirteen
Jude
I wake up with a raging headache and the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Memories of the night before come back to me and I’m conflicted about how to feel. Thanks to Kara, I’ll soon have a place of my own again. I should be over the moon thrilled, but there’s a dull ache in my heart when I think of leaving Liam’s home. Logically, I know I need to get over that. Moving out is for the best. Moving out might be the only way to salvage my friendship with Liam.
Then there’s Ben. He’s sexy, funny, smart, and definitely interested. Spending the evening with him was great for my bruised ego. He’s out and proud and he had no qualms about making it clear he wanted to be with me. After the painful rejection Liam served on me, Ben was everything I needed.
After dinner, we went back to his place and made out on his couch. He’d wanted me. There had been no confusion in his eyes. No panic. No wolf-driven frenzy followed by horror. He’d wanted me and hadn’t been afraid to show it. And I wanted to want him back. I tried. When he kissed my neck, I closed my eyes and willed my body to respond. When his hand slid below my waistband, I told myself this was good, this was healthy, this was what moving on looked like.
I’m ashamed to admit that when I left the bar with Ben, I had planned on sleeping with him. Still stinging from Liam’s rejection, I’d thought maybe Ben could help me forget Liam. But my wolf wouldn’t settle. As his kisses grew hungrier, every instinct I had pulled away, pulled toward someone else. WhenBen murmured my name, the voice I heard in my heart wasn’t his.
In the end, I couldn’t do it. It felt wrong to use Ben like that. But I’m still going to keep seeing him. I need the distraction from Liam, and I’m hopeful maybe Ben and I can grow closer. I’m not going to pine for Liam forever. That wouldn’t be healthy, and I want to be happy and in a relationship, just like he does.
I drag myself out of bed, grab a clean uniform, and head for the bathroom. The hot water helps with the headache but does nothing for the knot in my stomach. When I go downstairs, the house is quiet. Liam isn’t home.
He must have spent the night at Kara’s. I ignore the jealousy that sparks inside of me. She’s his girlfriend. He has every right to sleep with her. I still know my decision not to sleep with Ben last night was the correct one. If and when that happens, it has to be when my head and heart are in a good place.
As I’m finishing my coffee, Kara texts me about dropping by to sign a rental contract. We decide I’ll go by on my lunch hour to sign the contract, drop off the deposit, and also take a tour of the rental property. I’m optimistic my luck might be changing.
When I get to the station, Liam is already there looking tired. He smiles as I approach our shared desk. “Morning,” he says, his tone neutral.
“Morning.” I stop near him. “You’ll have to eat lunch alone today. Kara texted me about the rental. I’m going to go look at it on my lunch break and drop off my deposit.”
He frowns. “Okay.”
I sit down on my side of the desk to do some paperwork. I feel his gaze on me, but I don’t look up.
“So, how was dinner last night?” he casually asks.
“Good.” I force myself to meet his inquisitive gaze. “Ben’s a lot of fun. We had a great time together.”
