I lean back, relief flooding me. “God, Jude, you looked so serious you scared me.”
“I didn’t change my mind.” He hesitates. “But you might.”
“No.” I scowl. “That’s never going to happen.”
“It might, when you hear what I have to say.” He rubs his face and then meets my gaze. “Back in Atlanta, I… I made a mistake and someone died.”
That gets my attention. “What?” I ask sharply.
He exhales harshly, not meeting my gaze now. “That’s why I left Atlanta.” He keeps his eyes down like he’s afraid to look at me.
“What are you talking about?”
“I told you,” he says softly. “I… I got someone killed.”
Uneasiness shifts through me, but I keep my voice calm. “Jude, what exactly happened?”
“It was on New Year’s Eve last year. I… I let a drunk guy go with a warning.” He still doesn’t look up and his voice is painted with shame. “Later that night, he shot and killed the owner of a liquor store.”
“Shit,” I say gruffly. “Was the guy behaving violently when you came across him earlier in the night?”
He glances up. “No. I wouldn’t have let him go if he was. He was just drunk and depressed and worried about his sick wife. He seemed harmless.”
“Okay.” I study his tense face. “I assume the department did an investigation into your conduct?”
“Yes.” He grimaces. “Internal Affairs found no violation of policy. No disciplinary action was recommended.”
I nod. “That’s good. That’s the outcome you’d want.”
“Yes.” He flicks his gaze to mine and it’s obvious he’s searching for condemnation. There’s so much guilt in his eyes, it makes my heart ache. “My partner didn’t think we should let the guy go that night,” he confesses.
I shrug. “Okay, but if IA didn’t find you at fault, then you weren’t to blame, Jude.”
“But a man died because of me.”
I pull my brows together. “No, a man died because of the behavior of the man who killed him. As cops, we don’t have a crystal ball. All we can do is our best. We work off of gut instinct half of the time, you know that.”
He holds my gaze. “Then why do I feel so guilty?”
I sigh. “Because you’re a good person, and you wish you could turn back time. But you didn’t kill that unfortunate soul, the man who shot him did.”
“But if I’d listened to my partner, David Kim would be alive.”
I narrow my eyes. “We can’t arrest everyone, Jude. Sometimes we let people go and they do bad things later. That’s just how it is. We can’t carry their guilt with us. We’d go insane.”
“Some of the other cops blamed me. My lieutenant did because he was worried about it coming back on him.” Jude scowls. “My partner definitely blamed me.”
I nod and take his hand under the table. His fingers are chilled and I warm them between my palms. “They all let you down. None of them had your back.”
He looks up as if surprised.
I squeeze his hand. “Do you think I don’t understand you? I do. I know that trusting anyone is hard for you. You couldn’t trust your parents and you’ve never had the backing of a pack. Things like what happened in Atlanta just reaffirm for you that nobody can be trusted.” I grimace. “Sometimes I worry you don’t know I have your back, Jude. But I do. I always will.”
His eyes are suspiciously shiny as he leans back in his chair. “What if Caleb says I’m not good enough to be in the pack?”
“He won’t.”
“You can’t be sure of that.”
