He pauses before continuing. “But there’s a darkness within me, Dani. A darkness that I didn’t want to dim your light. I watched you for about a year. Obsessing over you. Wanting nothing more than to emerge from the shadows and take you in my arms.”
“You were stalking me,” I say. Not even a question, because deep down I know the truth.
“I did and I still was up until Andrei. I think you figured out already I was leaving you those daisies on your nightstand. After that first year of watching you, I swore to stay away. I stopped watching you, I stopped checking in on you. The only updates I received for nearly two years were the six month updates from Franklin. But then you stopped going to therapy, you weren’t filling your medications regularly, and I couldn’t help but to draw nearer. I became obsessed again and I couldn’t help but to watch you every night, to make sure you were safe. You’re like a drug to me. It became a need in my life—a need that became all consuming. You deserve to shine bright like the light you are to so many in your life, Dani.”
My eyes water at the emotions that bubble to the surface. I can, in a twisted way, understand his reasoning for the stalking. A part of me, deep within, knows if I had the means, I probably would’ve done the same.
“If you want to see me shine so brightly, why come back into my life at all? You said yourself, there’s a darkness within you.”
“There is. And make no mistake, Dani. I have done some horrible things in my life. I have tortured, maimed, and killed more people than I can count. And I enjoy it. The only way I know how to funnel this is by killing those that are considered monsters—the murderers, the rapists, the traffickers, and the abusers. When we figured out just how deep these trafficking rings went, it became my mission. A way to focus that darkness into something positive. It’s become the only way I know to calmit down. At least until you came back into the picture. You settle me, Dani. It becomes background noise when I’m with you.”
A tear escapes the corner of my eye. I’m scared of what he’s telling me, but I’m also relieved. Relieved that his intentions are at least understandable. I knew there was darkness in him. There were moments when I could see it in his eyes.
Can I live with the fact that he kills people? That some sick part of him enjoys it? Relishes in it? I still don’t know the answer to that. A part of me thinks maybe it’s justified because these people—these horrid people—are doing unspeakable things to other innocent lives.
My mouth opens but Kayden cuts me off.
“Now, I know you’re probably thinking how can you accept that part of me? How can you live with yourself knowing I’m killing people?”
Before he can continue, I reply, “But are you killing people, or are you killing monsters? Because the way you’re explaining it, Kayden, these people are monsters.”
“They are monsters, I swear it. No part of me wants to take aninnocentlife. There are moments, sure, where I might want to see you bleed, Dani, but I assure you, it’s in the most pleasurable way possible. I would never harm a single hair on your head that you weren’t begging for.”
Kayden turns his head and catches my eye. I quickly look away and try to contemplate what to even say back to that. My thoughts are racing and I try desperately to hold onto at least one thought, but I fail miserably. I glance back over at Kayden, who lifts his mouth in a half-smile, almost as though encouraging me to find my thoughts.
“I honestly don’t know what to say, or where to even begin.”
“Can I lead?”
“Ummm, sure.”
He rubs his chin, contemplating where to begin.
“When did you figure out I was stalking you? Or at least suspect?”
“I think subconsciously I suspected the first morning I woke up to a daisy on my nightstand, the night after groceries were mysteriously delivered. But when did I actually consciously suspect and really put the pieces together? The night that Derek came to my apartment. I finally admitted to myself that it had to be you. You brought me up to my apartment without asking for my keys to the entryway, which granted I figured you probably own the building.”
Kayden smirks and nods his head.
“Ok fine, you definitely own the building. But what really solidified it was you rescuing me—again. There was no other way you knew that Derek was at my apartment. You had to be watching.” I hesitate before continuing. “Tell me, Kayden, were you in my cameras this whole time?”
Kayden sheepishly looks away before catching my gaze again. “I was.”
“I thought so.”
“This obsession—this craving—I don’t think it’s stopping anytime soon, Dani. So I guess for this to work, it has to be something you’re just willing to accept. Along with everything else.”
“But what if I can’t?”
“That’s not an option.”
“So, whether I look past everything or not doesn’t even matter. My feelings don’t matter? What if I don’t choose to accept any of this? What if I don’t choose you? You’re going to shackle me to the bed and keep me here against my will?”
“If that’s what it takes to get you to see reason, then yes. You. Are. Mine. Maybe I’m fucking this up, but there is no part of this where you walk away from me.”
Fury lights every nerve ending in my body. How dare he take my choice away, especially when he knows the situation I was in three years ago when I was shackled—literally—and had every single choice and freedom taken from me. I get off the bed, pacing as the anger continues to boil over, threatening to take over every thought in my head. My choice is not something I’m willing to give up for the sake of love. It matters more to me than others would even understand. Had Kayden said it’s my choice, I would have happily admitted every feeling. But to say I have no choice? That he would keep me here against my will? I think not. This is not something I’m willing to budge on.
“Yeah, you’re definitely fucking this up. You have some balls, Kayden. How are you any better than those men? The men that took me? They took away my choice, too. Every time they shackled me, every time they raped me—my choice was taken from me. I refuse to be with someone who so easily takes that from me again.”
