“I. Am. Not. Done! And while I’m there, I am going to mildly inconvenience him. I’ll change every single one of his passwords by one character.Just one.So he’ll almost get it right every time before getting locked out. I’ll unscrew every light bulb just enough that they flicker when he walks into a room, but never actually go out. I’ll reset his shower temperature dial, so the first ten seconds are always an arctic tundra before it gets warm.”
She lets out a manic laugh as I sit back, staring at her like she’s going crazy.
“I’ll hide his TV remote in the freezer. I’ll swap all the labels in his spice rack so he thinks he’s using garlic powder, but it’s actually cinnamon.” Her eyes sparkle with mischief. “Then, I’ll go into his Bluetooth and rename every connected device to ‘Not Available.’”
She continues pacing through her living room, waving her hands through the air, her eyes growing wider with every new diabolical plan she comes up with.
“I’ll take one sock from every pair.Just one.So he’ll think his washing machine has a vendetta.” I bring my wine to my lips, taking a sip, sitting back now, enjoying the show she’s putting on. “I’ll rearrange his apps on his phone screen, so nothing is where he left it.Try to find Spotify in your ‘Utilities’ folder, you cum-sucking blister on humanity’s taint!”
That’s it! I can’t hold in my laugh, and I giggle, enjoying her rant more and more.
God, I love her!
“I’ll slightly tilt every photo frame in the house, but not in the same direction. Chaos, Marley. Pure chaos! And for thepièce de résistance, I’ll turn all his toilet paper rolls the wrong way around.Every. Single. One.”
I stare at her, half horrified, half in awe.
“You’re terrifying,” I simply state, though my smile tells her how much I adore her.
Sage shrugs, sipping her wine as though she is proud of herself. “No, babe. I’m justice… with a hint of petty.” She exhales, now that she has gotten all that out of her system. She moves back to the sofa and slumps down beside me.
I grip her knee and nod. “Do you feel better?”
Her smile is genuine as she relaxes her shoulders and looks at me with love. “Yes… I do, much better.”
I lean my shoulder into hers playfully with a genuine smile. “Thank you.”
“Don’t think I wouldn’t do any of that for you, Marles, because I would. I would totally ruin him. You just say the word, and I am there.”
“I know… and thank you. But I still have to work for the… wait! What did you call him?”
“A cum-sucking blister on humanity’s taint,” she says matter-of-factly.
I giggle, nodding along. “Yes, I still have to work for…that.So, for now, let’s leave his appliances, furniture, photos, socks, etcetera, as they are.”
“But if you need assistance?”
“You willalwaysbe my first port of call.”
She nods with a warm smile and shrugs her shoulders. “So then, what’s the plan? Where are you gonna live?”
The question hits me like a splash of cold water. I don’t have an answer. “I don’t know. Can I crash here until I figure it out?”
“Of course, my place is tiny, but we’ll make it work.” She squeezes my hand. “We always do.”
I nod, but I’m barely listening. My mind keeps drifting back to the black Honda. To Nitro’s kind eyes and terrible singing voice.
To the way he made me feel beautiful when I felt like garbage.
To the way he genuinely got angry on my behalf.
To the way his smile made something in my chest flutter.
As Sage queues up the first cheesy movie, I find myself opening my phone and pulling up the Uber app. There’s his profile. Just a silhouette and the name ‘Nitro.’ I don’t know his real name. I don’t know anything about him except that he drives a Honda, appreciates Journey, and has a grandmother who watches terrible movies.
But somehow, on the worst night of my life—dumped, body-shamed, and kicked out of my home—a stranger made me feel beautiful.
Worthy.
