And I was just the fool to fall for it.
I only sit in front of his apartment door long enough to be sure Aunt Amy is done with the supper dishes.
I don’t want to risk her seeing me walk out and down the road, alone. Then she’d figure it all out, even the most private parts, and she’d throw me out of her house for sure. At this point, it might be for the best.
I like to think about what we’d be doing while I wait. It’s a dangerous game, going on in my mind like nothing has happened. Going on like I’d be in his sitting room right now and we’d be touching, kissing, removing our clothes, and getting into his bed.
The last time we were together embarrasses me now, so I don’t think about that. I ball it up like trash, like clay, and toss it away from me. I’m sure there was something I did that evening that caused this. Maybe it was something I said or everything I said. Maybe it was the square that interrupted us. Maybe it scared Asher. It scared me, too, but either way, I don’t want to think about that. I think about us at the cabin. I think about him holding me after, except this time he says this is real. This is love. I’m not dying and dreaming up things. He’s as real as ever. This is as real as ever. And for emphasis, he pulls my hand to his chest so I can feel his heart beating, blue eyes gazing into mine.
I can almost feel him in my arms, his breath in my ear, whispering this secret to me.
But now it’s time to go.
I stand up and leave the fantasy at his doorstep, where he can find it if he ever decides he needs it as much as me.
I walk into town and try to kill a few hours.
I walk past the pool hall and the bowling alley, neither of them busy in the summer. I come up with some stories to tell Aunt Amy if she asks.
What did you and your friend do last night, Paulie?
Well, mypaland I went bowling. He won. Then we played some pool. I got the eight ball in the corner pocket.
Sounds nice.
Of course.
I slip into Eckert’s down at the end of the block and make a beeline for the magazines. It just so happens the magazines are right by the soda fountain. Every stool is taken and the jerk behind the counter scrambles to make change, scoop ice cream, and pour a root beer float. No one pays me the least bit of attention as I look for my favorite comics. I think it might be okay, killing time with comics, as long as no one notices me.
Unfortunately, I notice everyone else.
And then we went to the soda fountain.
Oh?
We shared a root beer float.
I notice the giggling girls at the end, a couple of them openly flirting with the soda jerk. In the middle, there’s a girl with a long ponytail taking a sip from a cream soda. The fellow with her takes a sip from the other straw. Their foreheads nearly touch and there’s something about the guy— the shape of his head, the broadness of his shoulders, that makes me think of the lake.
Asher holding me up in the water.
He held my hand.
Telling me he won’t let me go.
He kissed me.
There are tears in my eyes as I set the comic book down. The tears form right as one of the giggling girls turns and spots me walking off.
“Who’s that?” she asks her friends less than discretely.
I’m making for the door as her friends answer, but I can only make out one reply.
“Some poor little boy, looks like.”
Tinkling laughter follows me out the door.
And then he took me home after, held me in his arms.
