“Anyway, it’s time to focus.”
“What do I do?”
“Pay attention to your breath. Quiet your mind and really listen to what your instincts are telling you.” He weaved between my legs again.
HisI Can Hazvoice softened. It became deeper. As he instructed meto breathe, his purrs reminded me of a rich baritone. There was a fullness to his tone that reminded me of other worlds and a cosmos filled with magic.
I closed my eyes, shutting out the dilapidated look of the house and picturing, instead, the house I saw in my memories. I tried to practice the deep, throat-constricting breath I’d learned in a yoga class one time. Instead of soothing me, it reminded me of inflexibility and competition.
I was never a good yogi. Or yogini. Whatever they called the woman.
“Simone, you must focus.” It was as if Gumbo were behind me, in my ear rather than at my feet. His whiskers tickled my neck, and I gave it a scratch.
“Right, sorry.” With a shake of my head, I freed my breathing. Yoga breath wasn’t right for me. What about box breathing? It was a calming technique my patients loved. And a social media favorite. Might be worth a try.
I inhaled for a four-count. Held for a four-count. Exhaled for a four-count. Held again.
My heart beat a little faster, and the world around me tunneled. I gasped for air, as if I’d been held underwater for minutes.
Okay. So. Not box breath.
“What if you tried just breathing like a normal person?” Brianne’s helpful voice sounded oddly far away. I opened one eye to check she was still next to me. She was, and she smiled. “You’re making yourself lightheaded, Sweets. Just relax.”
Just relax. Sure. I could do that.
But the more I tried to relax, the more tense I became. Trying not to think about breathing, it turned out, made it impossible to think about anything besides breathing. This was stupid. I was making it more difficult than it needed to be.
Gumbo continued his weaving, his voice somehow inside me and all around me at once. Brianne stroked my back and murmured encouragement. I stood there, my eyes squeezed shut, trying to find something.
Why was this so hard? I’d literally redecorated the waiting room with just a few thoughts and a little imagination. I hadn’t done any special breathing or needed a cat and a bestie to lift me up. I’d known what I wanted, and I made it happen.
Why was that so hard?
The frustration of it was eating me inside. Louder than either of myfriends was my inner critic, and she was a bitch. She whispered I was failing. She reminded me I’d been failing for years. She listed all my faults. She told me not to bother.
She was pissing me off.
“This is stupid. I don’t need to focus on my breath. I just want us to have a professional damn sign hanging out here.”
At Brianne’s sharp gasp, I opened my eyes.
The house was still a mess. Faded paint and rotted shutters remained. But I’d done something.
The overhead porch railing had gotten an incidental refresh. Rust no longer covered the ornate railing. The old, warped sign with words crossed out was gone. In its place was a beautiful new sign. The edges rippled like waves.
A magnolia looked like it bloomed from the wood, its stem curling around one side, giving the entire sign a three-dimensional look that I absolutely adored.
Magnolia Therapy and Wellness Centeradorned the middle, in ivory colored wording similar to the logo I’d seen on YouTube.
It was beautiful. It was perfect.
“It’s just the beginning.”
As if by magic, and maybe it was, my body settled. The anxiety within me stilled. I knew it was temporary, but the peace of it was something I could grab onto. A small win, just what I’d needed. But it turned out to be an even bigger win than I imagined.
“Whoa, nice sign!” Lauren exited the Magnolia and walked backwards along the path toward us to take it in. “That’s gorgeous, Simone. Did you make that happen?”
“I did.” I tried not to sound too proud of myself. In truth, I was exhausted. Between the panic attack, the roller coaster of emotions, and the verbal battle with Lydia that felt like it had happened a hundred years ago, I was worn out. “It took all I had, but I did it.”
