If Emilia was disappointed that Nikolas hadn’t bought her a present for Christmas, she didn’t show it.He argued he didn’t do Christmas, and she believed him.She continued to accept this claim all morning after the presents had been opened and enjoyed, and he suggested they go riding.She became suspicious when everyone accompanied them to the stables.
Everyone, of course, wanted to see her face when she saw her new horse.It was worth seeing.Of course, she couldn’t have the animal at school with her, but by buying her a horse to be kept for her here in Devon, Nikolas was saying something he hadn’t yet articulated to her or to Babushka.As with the rest of their undefined relationship, the possibilities were out there to be explored at a later date.
He was very curious now to see what she’d got for him, because when she hadn’t seen a present forthcoming from him, she had, with the grace and tact of someone far older, quietly put her gift under some torn wrapping paper.Now, returned to the house after no more thanks and superlatives could be offered about the horse, she gave it to him.She snatched it back and confessed she’d conspired with Ben—in a way.Ben raised his brows in denial.He hadn’t even known she was buying Nikolas a present—he’d had other things on his mind recently.Or not.
She smiled shyly and admitted she’d sort of tricked Ben.
She’d sent him a selfie, knowing, like Nikolas, he’d send one back.He had—a simple picture of himself snapped whilst sitting at the kitchen table in the house in London.She’d printed it out and put it in a frame, which she’d made in manual—as she’d promised Nikolas many weeks ago—out of brushed steel.To get a top grade, she’d had to choose a material suitable for the recipient of the gift.Brushed steel had been the most resistant material on the list.
For the first time ever, therefore, Nikolas had a photograph of Ben Rider-Mikkelsen.It was a particularly good one everyone declared, but then Nikolas knew everyone privately thought it would be difficult to take a bad picture of Ben.But this one was particularly good, because he’d thought he was just sending a simple picture to a thirteen-year-old girl.If he’d known it was for Nikolas, his confusion would have shown and he’d have tried harder.
* * *
Ben suspected Nikolas liked Emilia’s gift more than she liked the horse, which was saying something, as the whole rest of Christmas Day was devoted to the horse: talking about the horse, photographing the horse, or, eventually, when she’d had some slow practice around the paddock, taking the horse out onto the moors with Nikolas.
Ben also knew Nikolas would never admit to liking the photo and it would never be seen again.It was just the way they were together.He was at something of a loss for words, therefore, when they sat down that evening to watch a film Emilia had chosen, to see it on the bookshelf.In the main living room of their house.
Nikolas saw him notice and just shrugged it off.“In case you forget who you are again.”Ben thought it was funny.It was just the way they were together.
Nikolas didn’t get his present from Ben until they went to bed that night.Ben insisted it was hidden and that Nikolas had to hunt for it.As Nikolas was horny and only willing to search one thing, he found it fairly quickly.
Ben had a tattoo on the small of his back.After eight years, he’d done what Nikolas had always wanted him to do.He’d labelled himself as belonging.He hadn’t been able to do it until it wasn’t true—until it didn’t define what they were anymore.
Nikolas ran his thumb over it, tracing the lines and angles.It was a sharp letter M and out of this had been formed an N at the beginning, and with the addition of a horizontal line, an A at the end.M, N, A.All the contradictions of Nikolas’s life contained in angular letters on Ben’s back.A trinity of identities captured in simplicity.“When did you have this done?”
Sprawled naked upon the covers, Ben had to admit it was, at the moment, as with the N he’d worn upon his neck, only temporary—that he’d had Tim draw it on for him that day—or Nikolas would obviously have seen it.“If you like it, I’ll get it done permanently.What do you think?”
* * *
Nikolas eased down alongside Ben, looking up at their naked reflection in the glass, trailing one finger around the shapes.
“I think I don’t deserve you, Ben Rider-Mikkelsen.”Nikolas occasionally expressed this sentiment at special moments and occasionally he actually meant it.He usually said it because it got a very satisfactory response from Ben.Ben worrying he wasn’t actually good at all; that it was he, Ben, who was lucky to have Nikolas, and other most reassuring things.This time, however, Ben just laughed and agreed with him—he wasn’t worthy of him at all.In fact, he’d better work a bit harder at earning him…and…where’smypresent?
Which is something no one who claims not to do Christmas ever wants to hear.
Nikolas pouted, watching this with interest in the glass.“You know I don’t do Christmas, Ben.”
Ben propped himself up on his elbows so he could see Nikolas’s face.“You’re notdoingChristmas.You’re having Christmas with me in my house.I’mdoing Christmas, and therefore you have to do a present.”
“This is a little unfair as I haven’t bought you anything.”
“Seriously?”Ben’s face fell a little.
Nikolas tried another expression, and that one was interesting to watch, too.
“This is where you’re about to tell me you have a tendency to lie, isn’t it?”
“Ben!Seriously, I’m not joking or lying.I haven’t bought you a present!I couldn’t think of anything left to buy you that I don’t just buy you all throughout the year…”
This was obviously too true for Ben to refute, and Nikolas knew he’d be at something of a loss.But surreptitiously, out of the corner of his eye, he studied the scrunched up disappointment.He therefore saw the distinct moment when Ben shook off the man he had been—premorbid tendency Ben—and embracednewBen.Old Ben would have apologised, made a joke of it—accepted Nikolas just didn’t do Christmas.That’s what he’d done for the last eight years.Not a single present.
But the other Ben, the Ben he now was, clearly thought fuck this, and said with a laugh, “Find something,now!”
“What?”Nope, not the wide eyes of horror necessary for that.Nikolas tried again, studying the result.Much better.“I can’t just find something to give you now!Here, would you like a cigarette?”Oh, I’m good at this.
Ben began to climb off the bed, this furious gesture completely undermined by the smirk he was trying to hide
Nikolas caught his arm.“Go look in the study.On my desk.”
