“You’re missing the film.”
“I’ve seen it before.”
“But you don’t remember it.”
“That’s not the point.And you’re doing that thing again.”
“Yes.I know.It’s a deliberate tactic to get you to stop questioning me.It’s been very effective for eight years.”
“Well, I saw through it after one day, so stop it.Tell me.What are you thinking about?”
“You.I was thinking about you and whatyouthink about all this.”
“Good luck with that then.Let me know if you have any insights.”
“I always do.”
“Thought you might.”
“You are very cheeky, Ben Rider-Mikkelsen.”
They stilled.Ben pulled away.Nikolas winced.“I didn’t mean to say that.It’s too much for you to—”
“Rider-Mikkelsen?What do you…?I…?For real?”
Nikolas nodded.
Ben glanced back toward the TV room and pouted a little.He twitched his nose, clearly thinking.Ben wasn’t stupid—despite Nikolas trying to convince him for the last eight years that he was—and Nikolas had the distinct impression Ben had now worked out for himself what had upset him about the recent scene on the couch.
Ben glanced over.“That’s not who I feel I am.Sorry.I’m just Ben Rider.You get that, yeah?”
Nikolas nodded again.The power of speech had utterly deserted him.
“But I guess I could try…?”
They took the wine in and the Chinese still in its cartons, as Ben declared he may be suddenly gay and about to cuddle with a man (the c word being snarled with such derision Nikolas had to laugh), but he wasn’t fucking eating Chinese takeaway off china plates—the Queen’s or not.That was just bollocks.
They lay together eating and drinking wine, and watching a mindless movie with lots of unnecessary explosions and unlikely recoveries from major head traumas, and Nikolas couldn’t say he was unhappy despite his earlier terrible epiphany.Sometimes the appearance of something was almost as good as its presence.
Almost.
* * *
Although they didn’t go to bed until four a.m.due to their very late rising, Ben was still not tired.He was a creature of habit, and his body didn’t take well to this complete change to his normal routines.He hadn’t run for days; he was eating unusual food; he was in a strange house.And he’d just beeninsidean unfamiliar man.Change to his normal routines indeed.
After tossing and turning for some time, he crept quietly from the bed, which had been pristine upon their return from the tearoom, something which had made him frown in wonderment but hadn’t even elicited a flicker of acknowledgment from his boss—Nikolas, he must remember to call him Nikolas—and went to the kitchen.Chinese food was all very well, but it often made you hungrier after you’d eaten it.He sat at the kitchen table alongside the snoring dog with a mug of tea and some biscuits, and listened to the empty house.It was unnerving sitting in a lit kitchen with a glass roof.He felt like a target on a remote missile launcher in some crazy video game.He got up and turned the lights off, which was much better.
What the fuck?
He felt as if he’d been on a spinning fairground ride—enjoying the exhilaration while it lasted, but now he had a moment off the ride, so to speak, or not, when he remembered what he’d been doing half an hour before…he was dizzy, sick.
What the fuck?
Had he always had this desire for another man’s cock, lurking under the surface of his normal life?Sure, he’d always likedsex, although the army left soldiers fewer outlets for normal relationships than other men; more one-night stands, more prostitutes…But Ben had rarely been interested with that lifestyle either.He’d always told himself he respected his body too much for casual sex, one night stands—that he wanted more…Had that just been an excuse for not admitting he wanted…men?Did he?He hadn’t noticed himself eyeing up other men since this great revelation with Nikolas Mikkelsen.But he hadn’t met that many—the barber who’d cut his hair, the boy in the Chinese shop…not much to bring in a verdict one way or the other.Squeezy?Fucking hell.
What did he think now, in this peaceful kitchen bathed in moonlight, when he thought about the man he’d left sleeping alongside him?
A stab in his groin.
